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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Feebee - CD2

It's all over for this month, AF arrived last night. It was like the miscarriage all over again - light bleeding, praying it would stop but knowing I had to prepare for the worst. It got heavy soon after, so at least I was put out of my misery.

The first blood was really dark brown and thick, more than I've ever seen before. Now it's more like real blood than AF blood and very heavy - does anyone who has had a m/c recognise this?

It's possible I got my dates wrong. Originally I thought I'd O'd on 20 September, which would make yesterday 15dpo. It was only when I got another line on OPK on 25 Sept that I changed my dates. Could I have O'd twice? It also means that the faint line I got on Sat could have been at 11dpo, which could mean a chemical pregnancy. I'm really clutching at straws here, and I don't know whether I'd rather believe in a chemical pregnancy or none at all. Don't suppose it matters much in the long run, but for now I just can't believe that it didn't happen this month. We did everything right, we're obviously fairly fertile in the first place (took 3 months last time, only once the time before), and I thought that EVERYONE who tried straight after m/c hit the target first time.

So now I need to start finally dealing with the miscarriage. I need to think about the baby I lost, without putting all my energy into trying to replace it. I have to stop putting my life on hold until I get pregnant, or I might find that too much of it has passed me by. And I have to cry when I feel like it, however inconvenient it is for others.

DH is also going through hell. His mother is very ill (she had 3 strokes and almost died in the week leading up to our wedding in May), but far worse than that, the family is fighting over who will pay for her care (his dad died a few years ago), with poor DH stuck in the middle. Yesterday it emerged that the only way to do it is for us to remortgage our house. DH has just left his job to go to college for a year, and I only work part-time, so we're going to have to make some tough decisions. This will help take our minds off TTC though, so there's a small positive.

Thank you to everyone who followed my story, and for all your messages of support - I'll take them with me into next month's ordeal. DH has promised me that it will happen next month, so it looks like we'll be having a July baby. Nobody has contacted me about taking over here and doing another 2ww diary (any takers???), so I might hang around for a while and give it another go in a few weeks time. I wish the very best of luck to those waiting to test and huge congratulations to those who have just got their BFP.

Talk soon

Feebee xxx

PS I ordered 50 (fifty!) HPTs from saveontests.com. I'm going to get a BFP this month if I have to test 5 times a day for it!

6 Comments:

At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, so sorry to hear AF has arrived, God you have enough to be contending with. Do something nice yourself now until the next 2ww. CatherineXX

 
At 7:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God Feebee, that's an awful situation with the family, ye poor things. Hope your Lotto numbers come up :)
As Catherine says, treat yourself & get yourself a bit of a lift. After my mc I went for a fancy hairdo and spa treatments. Frivilous but it did help cheer me up.
Derv

 
At 8:54 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work out for you. We both o'd on the same day, and I tested neg this morning, so I'm expecting AF to show up soon.

I wanted to let you know, when I had my m/c in 2002, the AF after the next cycle was different than a usual AF. *Very* heavy. We weren't trying that cycle, so I knew it wasn't another m/c, but if there had been a chance that it was an early one, I could have believed it, because it was definitely different than what I was used to.

Incidentally, after that first cycle, we started ttcing again, and in the third cycle after the m/c, I got pg with ds.

Although I do think I needed to get pg again in order to heal, I just want to warn you that if you get pg before when you were due with the baby you lost, it can cause a lot of emotional conflict at times. Since ds was conceived months before our dd was due to be born, I know there's no way I could have had both of them. That means that I can't really think, "I wish I hadn't had the m/c." Of course, there's also no way I can think, "I'm glad I had the m/c so I get to have ds." Like I said, I do think it was the best choice for us to start ttcing that soon, and I'm not suggesting at all that you shouldn't, but it did lead to some difficult moments for me. Not that there's anything that's *not* difficult about m/c and ttcing afterwards...

Good luck next cycle and with your healing.
Lisa

 
At 2:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee have been following your story, you tell it so well. Im on day 25 so point me taking over but maybe next month????

Maybe we'll be both going on July board together, lets hope!!

K

 
At 7:24 PM, Anonymous Lisau said...

Hi,
Very brave of you to write down your thoughts during the obsessive 2 week wait.I have had several miscarraiges as well as 4 healthy children & believe it or not am trying for one last child.
As far as your bleeding goes- it is normal & good to have a heavy cyle now. I bled & passed clots when pregnant post MC because my body didn't get rid of every clot with the miscarraige. And- although people like to suggest it is so- most DONT get pregnant the first month although it seems like the only way to feel better
is to try.Miscarraige is so hard because people around you often don't
treat it like a "real" loss & there are pregnant women everywhere like Tom & Katie in the magazines & the lady down the street & in the grocery store.Not to mention babies. I can promise you it does get better eventually & as you are obviously fertile, you most likely will
conceive again reasonably soon & realize the dream of another child. Meanwhile do something special with your firstborn,have cuddle,stroke a cheek,feel the arms around your neck. It's the best therapy.
Wishing you peace & another happy healthy child in the future,
Lisau

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Thanks a million for all your kind comments and advice, it really means a lot.

Catherine and Derv - we're going to go away for the weekend, so will be sure to do something nice.

Lisa - sorry to hear about your m/c but glad to hear you have a wonderful DS. Hope AF stays well away.

K - hope there is no next month for you, but if you ever feel like writing about your experiences I'd be delighted.

Lisau - how do get through several miscarriages? It sounds like you've been through so much. I am appreciating every moment I spend with DS, he's so wonderful.

Thanks again to everyone who's spent time writing me a comment.

 

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