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Saturday, October 29, 2005

Feebee - 9 DPO/CD1

What a day - a BFP, AF and plenty of tears. Don't have the time or energy to go into detail now, but just a couple of hours after a definite pink line, AF arrived. I'm gutted and concerned about the length of my luteal phase. Don't know how I'm ever going to implant an egg if my body keeps deciding it's time for AF at 7/8dpo. Will go and see doctor next week.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Feebee - 8 DPO

Looks like it might be all over again for this month. Had cramping in lower abdomen last night (stronger than before but not as strong as pre-AF cramps last month), so guessed it was either implantation or AF. I also had pain in the left side of my abdomen, similar to O pain, so was not giving up just yet. No other symptoms apart from unbelievable exhaustion by about 9.30pm.

Another BFN this morning. No symptoms (apart from feeling demented) and no CM, until I got into work and noticed sticky yellow/brown CM on my pants. When I wiped there was clear CM with blobs of brown - exactly like last month. Since then I have felt mild cramps and a sick feeling I usually get with AF (probably compounded by sick feeling about TTC in general). I haven't given up all hope just yet, but maybe I should so I can get on with things. No need to say how devastated I feel right now.

I am also worried about my short LP. I never kept track of my cycle before TTC this time, but in the last 6 months I have noticed that my LP is never longer than about 10 days, and has been 7 days. However, I did get pregnant in August, so maybe it's not a problem. Must spend several hours online now looking into it!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Feebee - 7 DPO

Of course I did. Of course it was BFN. Thought I saw a line that wasn't an evaporation line (and believe me, I know the life cycle of the BFN saveontests/testsforless dipstick HPT a lot better than the back of my hand), but am well aware that if my mind is going to play tricks, now's the best time to do it.

So, back to symptom analysing. Boobs a bit achy this morning, but not sore to the touch and not even achy any more. Slight AF cramping earlier but none now. Lots of flutters in lower abdomen last night and slight pinching this morning. A small amount of creamy CM. No nausea. Had a restless night thinking about the outcome of all of this, and DH didn't sleep much worrying about his mother. Did have to get up to pee, but only as I was awake anyway. One symptom I had in August (pregnant cycle) that made me think I might be pregnant was a hunger ache, which I recognised from my first pregnancy. I first reported this at 5dpo (!) and it continued on and off until my m/c. Haven't had this at all this time.

In August, I posted on Magic Mum at 7dpo that I had no symptoms but was absolutely convinced I was pregnant. I just had a feeling that it would be our month, even before the 2ww began. I'm still feeling positive this month, but lack that certainty. Only time will tell!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Feebee - 6 DPO

Absolutely no symptoms! Boob pain and nipple changes - gone, cramping - gone, nausea - gone. Still have creamy CM, so that's something. Am feeling very emotional today but MIL is very ill so that could be it. Could also be PMT unfortunately, as AF arrived at 10dpo last month.

Perhaps because I'm feeling a little down today, I'm thinking that I won't last the day without testing. I know this is a slippery slope, and that it only takes one HPT to open the testing floodgates. I have 50 of them at home and am telling myself "what's the harm?". Help! If I can even make it to 7dpo I will be doing better than last month.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Feebee - 5 DPO

I've had conflicting symptoms today - first the bad: About a week before AF arrives I usually get a feeling of weakness and lightheadedness for a few minutes. I reported this last month at 4dpo, and lo and behold AF arrived at 10dpo. Had it at lunchtime today, but it was much more severe than usual, lasted about half an hour and was accompanied by nausea and cold sweats. Still feel quite nauseous and fairly tired.

On the positive side, yesterday afternoon's CM no-show was superceded by lots of creamy CM in the evening. Loads more today. Have had sore boobs on and off and a dull ache behind them. However, I have also had muscular pain in my upper back (no idea what's causing it, no doubt it's unrelated to my cycle), which may be contributing to the overall ache in my upper torso.

After dinner last night I felt pretty queasy, tried to ignore it but ended up legging it upstairs to vomit (probably a tummy bug). Felt pretty awful afterwards, came downstairs, but had to run again for a repeat perfomance. Stomach didn't settle down for a good while afterwards, but when it did I had mild AF cramping in my lower abdomen. Have had this again today, but it's hardly noticeable. Have also had flutters in my tummy for the past two days and have been burping quite a lot!

I have tried to be as objective as possible when describing symptoms, so am reluctant to report those that I'm not sure about. I'm not 100% about this but think it's worth mentioning: I think my nipples are a bit bigger and darker than usual. DH usually tells me to stop getting myself worked up when I mention something like this, but did say this morning that they don't look darker but they do look a bit bigger.

I haven't had the urge to test at all, as I know there's no point at the moment. Is this objective, common sense approach consistent with pregnancy? Or should my hormones be making me behave irrationally at this stage???

PS Have continued to feel really nauseous for the past few hours.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Feebee - 4 DPO

I've decided I'm going to enjoy this 2ww and hope for the best, as there's nothing I can do to change the outcome at this stage. In fact, I'm going to relish every nipple twinge and stomach cramp. And if it doesn't work out, then I am going to get well and truly pissed (that's drunk for our American readers!).

I had mild AF cramps on and off yesterday. I don't remember if I had these in August (pregnant cycle) but I definitely didn't have them at this stage last month. None today though. My CM was still creamy yesterday, but thicker and sort of crumbly when dry. Hardly any today - same as last month but different to pregnant cycle when I had creamy CM throughout the 2ww. Boobs feel sort of heavy, but not sore to the touch. I'm not particularly tired or hungry and don't need to pee more than usual. Oh, one more thing, a blinding headache came upon me suddenly last night and I couldn't shake it so went to bed. Gone today.

AF arrived at 10dpo last month, so I could be less than a week away from finding out. Yikes!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Feebee - 2 DPO

Just a quick note to say that boobs are sore, still have slight O pains, have had creamy CM for the last 2 days and am tired and slightly nauseous (probably due to late night last night). Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

PS Also had bad stomach cramps twice today.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Feebee - 1 DPO

Woohoo, look at today's title!!! I'm back on board, on the 2ww! Come on the creamy CM!

Still in the BD zone and plan to be until Sunday, just in case. We had our first TTC falling out last night. DH got home late and drunk so wasn't willing or able. As it was O day, obviously that wasn't an option. He did understand the urgency, but had "gone off sex today" and just wanted to go to sleep. To cut a long story short, we did do the deed but I wouldn't exactly call it "lovemaking".

I got another + OPK yesterday, as strong, if not stronger, than the previous day. O pains are gone today though, so I suppose I just had plenty of LH in my system.

The only symptoms I have today are slightly sore boobs (from O) and very high levels of excitement (for BFP). Am going to pamper myself this afternoon so that I'm looking absolutely gorgeous for testing in 2 weeks (ish).

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Feebee - CD16

There's no question that I'm ovulating today, have had strong cramps since I woke up this morning (yay!). Hopefully this means that my egg is as determined as I am to get it right this month.

So, technically I could be pregnant already! Was thinking about this and wondering what it would be like if we could tell as soon as we conceived. Then realised that this could mean a 2 week wait for AF to arrive. Better to wait in hope than in despair - that's my diagnosis.

I'm fairly excited about the 2ww now. I have had side-by-side a pregnant and a non-pregnant cycle, so have a good idea of which symptoms may be significant and which are not worth getting flustered about. Most importantly, I am not going to test until 8/9dpo, I am not going to test until 8/9dpo, I am not going to test until 8/9dpo, I am not going to test until 8/9dpo, I am not going to test until 8/9dpo, I am not going to test until 8/9dpo.................

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Feebee - CD15

Eh, sorry 'bout the "woe is me" outburst the other day. Now, where were we?

I managed to sneak a brief rendezvous with DH before I left on Monday, and got home late last night, so no loss of productivity after all!

After a day of EWCM it's back to the watery CM today. BUT finally got + on OPK today so only a couple of days to go to the 2ww. So, fasten your seatbelts, here we go again.............

Monday, October 17, 2005

Feebee - CD13

Off to West Cork tonight, so will have a couple of days off TTC both physically and mentally. No sign of O yet, let's hope it stays away for another couple of days. Am still having very watery CM, definitely not EWCM - anyone had this before?

I am tired of TTC. I'm tired of putting a brave face on things, and playing the waiting game day after day, month after month. I miss living in the moment, going out with friends and not worrying how much I drink, or what cycle day it is. I'm tired of feeling "past it" when my life has barely begun. I wanna have fun!!!

And I want a baby. And so do most of the people reading this. Thank god for the Internet - we don't have to do it alone.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Feebee - CD12

TTC has finally taken over my life. My friend's mother died yesterday, and attending the removal and funeral will involve one and maybe two nights away from home, and more importantly, DH. I have no problem rearranging work and home life, but this will take place at O time, so I'm torn between doing the right thing and sneaking off early to ensure I am not away from DH for two nights. I'll probably stay as long as I can on the 2nd day (day of funeral), then drive home through the night, having warned DH to be ready to welcome me with open arms in the early hours.

We're in full-on TTC mode at the moment, and we're making an extra effort so it doesn't become an ordeal. So far, so good. Also doing plenty of knicker-watching - have had lots of watery CM for the last couple of days, not sure what this means, if anything. Have had zero on OPK so far, but not expecting that until at least tomorrow.

Seems like my hormones haven't had time to settle down yet. Spent yesterday morning sobbing over such important issues as how much I love DH and DS, and how much I miss John Peel. Soon after, I spent a 20 mile car journey singing (unaccompanied) at the top of my voice and freaking out/pissing off DH. A couple of days after my miscarriage, despite an overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness, I kept getting rushes of "high" and fits of giggles. I was fully aware that these feelings resulted from chemical processes, and just waited for them to pass. Same yesterday. Had a fun solo singsong though!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Feebee - CD10

Woohoo, the bleeding has finally stopped and I have regular CM (a bit creamy!) so we're back in business. I got zero on an OPK today, but we might as well get some practice in anyway.

I'm excited that it's all about to start again, but incredibly daunted at the thought that we might have to go through all the ups and downs of TTC for any longer than the next few weeks. I don't know how I'll get through another AF, but I know I will if I have to. And one day we'll have another beautiful, incredible child and we'll all live happily ever after. And this time next year we'll be millionaires!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Feebee - CD9

A beautiful sunny day, just what the doctor ordered! Still have brown bleeding, but lighter now. Still feeling a bit weepy, but more positive today. So, onwards and upwards.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Feebee - CD8

I don't want to spend the next few days moaning about my cycle or my miscarriage. I don't want to, but it's the nature of the beast, so bear with me.

I'm still having brown bleeding, so have no idea what stage of my cycle I'm really at. However, I'm going to proceed as usual for CD8, which means the BD marathon starts here. In August (the month I got pregnant) I made poor DH BD every night but one from CD8 to CD20 (he had CD9 off). We had started off doing the sperm meets egg plan, but I panicked and was afraid to take a night off! The reason we kept going until CD20 (O'd on CD16) was because I met a friend who was newly pregnant after TTC for 6 months. I asked her if she'd done anything different the month she conceived and she said that someone had recommended that they BD for an extra couple of nights after getting +OPK, just to be on the safe side. So they BD'd for 4 nights after +OPK, and so did we. Worked for both of us, so will give it another go this month.

As for the m/c, I've been feeling very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very sad for the last couple of days, but what can you do? It's all part of the deal.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Feebee - CD7

What a s**t day - rain is pissing down and I've started heavy brown bleeding. Am getting fed up of AF (is it, isn't it?) now and just want to get on with my cycle. I also have a black eye. DS whacked me in the face with a remote control when I was in bed at the weekend. It didn't look too bad at first, but as it heals it's starting to look well dodgy. DH is mortified. Only 3 people have had the guts to ask me about it. I've lost count of the amount of people who've stared at it without mentioning it. If I was on crutches or had my arm in a sling, people would be falling over themselves to give me a bit of sympathy.

All sympathy welcome!!!

Monday, October 10, 2005

Feebee - CD6

The mystery continues... I've had more pregnancy symptoms in the last 2 days than in the previous 2 weeks! Let me say from the outset that I do not think I'm pregnant, but the momentum created by the narrative of my situation keeps me skipping along.

We took ourselves off for the weekend to a farm by the sea, close to Rosslare. DS LOVES animals, so spent the weekend shrieking with excitement, as much at cats and birds as at goats and cows. We survived a restaurant (DS is 21 months, but fairly easy-going), and BD'd just for fun!!!

I mentioned a +OPK on Sat. It wasn't quite + but a fairly strong line. Had another one on Sat night, and, mindful of the fact that OPKs can test + for HCG, I tried again on Sun morning - a lighter line. Meanwhile, I had had fairly painful breasts all Sat night, and this continued yesterday. Interesting.

Brown spotting started yesterday morning, and has continued today. I tried another OPK yesterday evening and got a very faint line, so I don't think it indicates anything other than the fact that my system is out of whack. My breasts are still sore but not as much as they were yesterday. The only other symptom (of what?) I've had today is this - I was giving DS his breakfast when a huge wave of nausea came over me, I thought it would pass but it didn't and I had to leg it upstairs and ended up retching into the toilet.

Sounds good you might think, but there's more. I found another HPT. My GP gave it to me when she confirmed my pregnancy last month. I'd put it away and forgotten about it - felt like an alcoholic who'd just discovered a bottle of whiskey at the back of the wardrobe! BFN. As BFN as you can get. It did show a very faint line when I checked it about an hour later, but as I'm quite expert at analysing HPTs these days, I can confirm that it was an evaporation line.

So I'm (almost certainly) not pregant, and I may or may not have had AF. Because of this, I'm slightly concerned that I may not ovulate in the next few weeks, or if I do, I may miss it - I used way too many OPKs over the weekend! Will just have to rely on my old mate, CM, to keep me informed. Will let you know.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Feebee - CD4

What's going on? Looks like I had a 1-day AF, an OPK reckons I'm having a LH surge, and my final HPT tells me to stop being ridiculous and get on with my life. Anyone have an explanation?

Friday, October 07, 2005

Feebee - CD3

Life goes on. I woke up this morning and I still had a wonderful husband and a fantastic son. We all took the day off and had fun, far away from the daily humdrum. I remembered that it wasn’t life-threateningly crucial that I got pregnant this month, and that it’s not even absolutely necessary that it happens next month. We would love a few more additions to our special little family, and chances are it will happen sometime soon.

I spent a while today thinking about work (in a good way – ideas, plans, hopes for new projects). It struck me that if I had got pregnant straight after the miscarriage, I would have been playing an even more intense waiting game – first to get to 6 weeks, then to get to 12. All other life would have been put on hold. So I’ve been set free to do and think about other things for a few weeks.

I had a couple of glasses of wine last night, a cup of coffee this morning. I’ve had peanuts, camembert, another glass of wine tonight and I may even treat myself to a few pints and, what the hell, a whipped ice-cream over the weekend.

So life is ok again, but there is the small matter of AF, I wonder if anyone can advise me - she arrived on Wed night, started with thick brown blood and became red and heavy fairly quickly. Was still red and heavy yesterday morning, but by the evening had eased off considerably and by this morning was almost gone completely. I've had no blood whatsoever since lunchtime. Did anyone have AF like this post-miscarriage? I've read about really heavy AFs after m/c but not about really light or short ones. It did cross my mind that it could have been a heavy implantation bleed, but a BFN and absolutely no symptoms convinced me otherwise.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Feebee - CD2

It's all over for this month, AF arrived last night. It was like the miscarriage all over again - light bleeding, praying it would stop but knowing I had to prepare for the worst. It got heavy soon after, so at least I was put out of my misery.

The first blood was really dark brown and thick, more than I've ever seen before. Now it's more like real blood than AF blood and very heavy - does anyone who has had a m/c recognise this?

It's possible I got my dates wrong. Originally I thought I'd O'd on 20 September, which would make yesterday 15dpo. It was only when I got another line on OPK on 25 Sept that I changed my dates. Could I have O'd twice? It also means that the faint line I got on Sat could have been at 11dpo, which could mean a chemical pregnancy. I'm really clutching at straws here, and I don't know whether I'd rather believe in a chemical pregnancy or none at all. Don't suppose it matters much in the long run, but for now I just can't believe that it didn't happen this month. We did everything right, we're obviously fairly fertile in the first place (took 3 months last time, only once the time before), and I thought that EVERYONE who tried straight after m/c hit the target first time.

So now I need to start finally dealing with the miscarriage. I need to think about the baby I lost, without putting all my energy into trying to replace it. I have to stop putting my life on hold until I get pregnant, or I might find that too much of it has passed me by. And I have to cry when I feel like it, however inconvenient it is for others.

DH is also going through hell. His mother is very ill (she had 3 strokes and almost died in the week leading up to our wedding in May), but far worse than that, the family is fighting over who will pay for her care (his dad died a few years ago), with poor DH stuck in the middle. Yesterday it emerged that the only way to do it is for us to remortgage our house. DH has just left his job to go to college for a year, and I only work part-time, so we're going to have to make some tough decisions. This will help take our minds off TTC though, so there's a small positive.

Thank you to everyone who followed my story, and for all your messages of support - I'll take them with me into next month's ordeal. DH has promised me that it will happen next month, so it looks like we'll be having a July baby. Nobody has contacted me about taking over here and doing another 2ww diary (any takers???), so I might hang around for a while and give it another go in a few weeks time. I wish the very best of luck to those waiting to test and huge congratulations to those who have just got their BFP.

Talk soon

Feebee xxx

PS I ordered 50 (fifty!) HPTs from saveontests.com. I'm going to get a BFP this month if I have to test 5 times a day for it!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Feebee - 10 DPO

As promised (see yesterday's comments), I didn't test this morning. You see, I have willpower, I just need an incentive!

The cramping has been mild and intermittent, in fact, if I wasn't watching my body so closely I doubt I'd even notice it. Did have to get up to pee during the night, and I've had a slight pain behind my left boob this morning, but no other symptoms to report.

Just before I left this morning I had some slightly darker than usual CM on my pants. Not brown, but a pale mustardy yellow colour. Was expecting to see more of it when I wiped, but that CM was clear. My initial reaction when I saw my pants was a calm feeling of "Oh well, I suppose that's it", a mixture of disappointment and relief. The relief part came from the fact that I thought I had been put out of my misery, and although I didn't get a result, at least I was somewhat back in control. This was immediately followed by a feeling of terror, but it did make me realise for a second that if AF does arrive, it won't be the end of the world; no-one will have died and nothing will have been taken away from me, it will just mean I will have my baby in July and not June.

When I got to work I went to the loo again, and when I wiped this time there was clear CM with blobs of brown in it. AF or implantation bleed? You decide.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Feebee - 9 DPO

I'm in turmoil. Started having fairly heavy AF pains last night. They have subsided this morning but are still with me. This could be implantation or it could be the imminent arrival of the dreaded AF. So, I might be pregnant or I might not be. The pain is not the same as the lower abdomen ache I had at this stage last month; it is the all over torso ache, accompanied by a mild sick feeling, I get when AF arrives. The one positive is that there has been no bleeding, only clear CM when I wipe. I did get one spot of red blood with my cramps last month, no sign of that today. I am terrified of AF, and have been running off to the loo to wipe every hour. In fact, I'm so nervous I feel as if I have to give a perfomance or talk for which I am completely unprepared.

I wish I had a symptom to cling to. I still have that slight ache behind my boobs, but no pain when I touch them. I did have to get up to pee twice during the night, but I put that down to my AF terror keeping me awake. I'm not hungry, not nauseous, not tired. Only a tiny bit of creamy CM on my pants. You may have gathered from my early posts that I was almost certain I was pregnant. Now I'd give myself a 50-50 chance at best.

I tested with an OPK yesterday evening. When there was no 2nd line whatsoever after about 5 mins, guess what I did next? BFN, not even evap line. Same routine again this morning, same result. I had a vague panic that Saturday's test may have been a very, very slight positive and that I'd had a chemical pregnancy, but it is unlikely that I implanted on or before 6dpo and there was enough HCG in my system to register at that stage.

I think the secret to maximising your sanity during the 2ww is to hold off testing for as long as possible. The first HPT opens the floodgates and it's almost impossible to go a day without testing after that. My advice is to HPT addicts is to try and get to 8 or 9dpo before the madness begins. Only 3 HPTs left.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Feebee - 8 DPO

I'm feeling slightly saner today. Tested again yesterday (why, why?), BFN, not even a shadow of a line. So Saturday's must have been an evaporation line :( I looked at the remaining HPTs this morning (only 5 left!) and thought "don't be ridiculous", so some element of normality is resumed.

No symptoms to report really. No night pee, no cramps, boobs still have that slight ache behind them but not tender. I had some creamy CM yesterday morning, but hardly any since. I do feel really tired today though, not in a sleepy way, just feel lacklustre and heavy.

I did find one piece of interesting information on my Google rampage last night - apparently OPKs can show + for pregnancy, as HCG and LH are almost identical. Obviously it's not recommended that one rely on this, but as I have about 30 OPKs and only 5 HPTs, I may conduct an "experiment".

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Feebee - 7 DPO

I have a confession. I tested yesterday morning. BFN obviously, but there was a very, very, very faint line after 15 or 20 mins. I wish I knew if my saveontests.com/testsforless.com dipstick HPTs have an evaporation line – anybody???

Will try and hold out for another few days before testing again, as I’m not fond of the “is it, isn’t it?” routine.

CM is the same as yesterday. I thought boobs were slightly sore when I was lying down, but seem fine now I’m vertical. I did get a sort of “pins and needles” pain in my lower abdomen this morning – my first cramps, yay!

I mentioned yesterday that I was feeling quite emotional. The BFN that I omitted to mention probably had something to do with it, but was probably just the ups and downs of TTC getting the better of me. This leads me to my 2nd and far more disturbing confession; I cried this morning during, ahem, The X Factor. I wish I could say it was only once….

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Feebee - 6 DPO

I didn’t keep a record of my 2ww symptoms during my last pregnancy, but I did post on Magic Mum, so I’ve fished out my posts to see how the symptoms compare to this time.

At 5dpo I woke up with a slight hungry/sick feeling, a bit like the morning sickness I got with DS. I’ve had this feeling ever since, but is definitely not more pronounced now than it was a week ago, or even a week before that. So I’m not making anything of it.

At 6dpo I was woken up in the early hours with terrible stomach cramps, which had me running to the loo for a loose bowel movement. I was sweating and felt like I could pass out, but after 5 mins I felt completely fine and went back to sleep. I’ve no idea what caused it, but the same thing happened with DS at around the same stage of my cycle so I counted it as significant. It hasn’t happened this time – I don’t know whether that’s good or bad.

I didn’t report any more symptoms until 9dpo, when I had heavy AF pains all over my lower abdomen. I also had pains behind my boobs, but they weren’t sore to the touch.

I had the same pains again at 10dpo, and I also had one single spot of red blood on my pants. I also reported feeling constantly hungry and exhausted. At this stage I was getting very faint lines on HPTs, and by 11dpo I finally got the line that convinced me I was pregnant.

There’s not much to report today. I still have creamy CM, but it’s thicker and stickier than before. No boob pain, no cramps, but I am feeling quite emotional. I met some friends whom I hadn’t seen since the miscarriage, and when I told them about it I felt really shaky. Obviously it’s still very raw and I’m allowed be upset, but until now I haven’t had a problem talking about it and I’ve done all my grieving in private. Felt pretty crap for the rest of the day then. I’ve been on such an emotional rollercoaster for the past few months, and I’ve managed to remain positive and forward-looking throughout – it’s been my way of dealing with everything. However, I think the next week might be the hardest of all, let’s just hope I get good news at the end of it.