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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Feebee - CD6

When people say that relaxing can help TTC (and I mean people who know what they're talking about), do they mean that it helps if you stop planning and thinking about TTC and babies (impossible), or that you should stop stressing about temps, charts and dates?

I have developed a slightly defeatist attitude at this stage, and am no longer expecting to be successful every time. As a result I have completely forgotten to take my temps for the last 2 mornings, and am not bothered in the slightest about the fact that my OPKs have not yet arrived from saveontests. I think I'll have DH on a rota of every 2nd night this cycle, as opposed to the every single night just in case we miss something drill the poor lad has had to endure for the last six months. Do I sound relaxed???

Yep, the babydust days are just a distant memory - I have now entered the zone of the long-term TTCer.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Feebee - CD5

Well I'm back in limbo again, waiting for AF to feck off so we can start ALL OVER AGAIN. Have been taking Clomid since Friday and apart from some O-type pains yesterday, haven't noticed any symptoms.

TTFN.....

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Feebee - CD1

Remember when I said we "weren't really trying" this month, and that I wasn't going to stress too much during the 2ww??? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. THERE IS NO TIME OUT IN TTC. ONCE YOU GET ON THAT TRAIN THERE ARE NO STOPS UNTIL THE LABOUR WARD.

Why are my temps still rising when I started spotting last night and am in full flow today?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Feebee - 10/11 DPO

Another pink line after about an hour last night. It was actually more of a pink blob, as was Saturday's. Not a shadow this morning. I'm starting to think I got a batch of dodgy tests. Yes, they were all BFN within the allotted time, but they are messing with my head!

Not feeling very positive today. Temp dropped slightly, still well above coverline, but as long as that line is pointing downwards my mood will be going in the same direction. Cramps have stopped. CM dried up for a while but is back now and a bit sticky. Boobs aren't sore, just a big achy. No nausea or hunger. At this stage on my last pregnancy I was feeling constantly hungry and tired, and had already got a BFP.

If I am pregnant, my due date will be 4 August, the start date of my last pregnancy - how's that for symmetry?

Monday, November 21, 2005

Feebee - 9/10 DPO

Why, why, why do I torture myself with HPTs?

Saturday - definite pink line after about an hour. Sunday - possible line after an hour but most likely evap line. Monday - nothing.

Boobs are achy but not sore to the touch. CM has eased off and is a bit more watery than creamy. Cramps have increased since yesterday, not quite the dull, overwhelming ache that paves the way for AF, but worrying nonetheless. Have regular hunger pains and need to pee. Temps are still up. Had a good cry this morning after BFN.

So, conflicting messages - just what I need to keep me on the edge of my seat for the rest of the day.

Chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/c1f86/?a=870850&u=1

Friday, November 18, 2005

Feebee - 6 DPO

What a difference a day makes. I've finally come out of the haze and am now fantasising about my Clomid twins that will make themselves known just in time for Christmas.

Even though I had an appointment in the pipeline, the last 2 weeks have been the worst so far. It felt rotten to be going through a cycle, knowing that it probably wouldn't count and there was nothing I could do about it. I could have steered clear of TTC and waited for the next cycle, but only if I was a completely different person, probably from another planet. So of course we tried, just not as hard as usual. The good news is that if I did manage to implant a fertilized egg this cycle, then my chances of m/c are only slightly higher than normal - 20% instead of 15%. And if I do get that far, then my gynae will put me on progesterone pessaries until week 12. I'm aware that this could delay an inevitable m/c, so will have a couple of early scans to make sure everything's ok. But I'm getting ahead of myself - AF could arrive at any time and spoil the party, so will just wait and see and keeping looking forward to next month.

On the symptom front, it's actually looking quite good. Still have plenty of creamy CM, had sore boobs this morning, and had a bad cramp in my lower abdomen during the night, something that happened around the same stage on both of my previous pregnancies. Don't know what it is, as it's too early for implantation, but will consider it significant. Also, temp up again so hopefully AF will stay away for another day. I forgot to mention that I've been taking 50mg of vitamin B6 every day since the start of this cycle - it may help extend my LP a bit.

So there you have it. Gynae says I will get pregnant again, so who am I to argue?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Feebee - 5 DPO

Gynae appt went well. I went in, said this is what's wrong with me, here's my evidence, and can I have some drugs please? So I start on Clomid and progesterone next cycle. If it doesn't happen within 3 months, I'll be referred to a fertility clinic. In fact, she has already sent a letter of referral in order to avoid the waiting list (3 months). Woohoo, I can't lose!

Temp up again this morning (yay!), still have creamy CM, but also had a weak/dizzy feeling yesterday that I get 5 days or so before AF is due. Ah well, if it doesn't happen this cycle it's bound to happen next month thanks to all the super duper drugs I'll have!!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Feebee - 4 DPO

Temp back up today so fingers crossed it stays up for a couple of days. The LPD will probably bring it down by the end of the week, but I would like to be normal for a day or two first.

I haven't been obsessing about symptoms this time around as I know that even if I am pregnant, I could well lose it again. However, I have noticed a lot of creamy CM and mild cramps over the past couple of days. I was thinking, "Well, I had that last month and I wasn't pregnant", until I remembered that I was pregnant last month. At the moment I'm not thinking past my gynae appt tomorrow, and am hoping that she will have an answer. On the other hand, experience has left me frustrated with doctors in general, so I'm half-expecting to be fobbed off with some excuse. So I'm arming myself with charts, dates, reports, statistics and hearsay, and will not leave until I am pregnant!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Feebee - 3 DPO

Huge temp drop today, lowest temp yet so reckon this month is a lost cause. Knowing this early definitely doesn't make it any easier though.

To be honest, I'm hating this temping. I find it a big hassle to wake myself up enough to take my temperature, then fumble in the dark for my phone so I can see the reading without waking DH up. And all I'm learning from this is that my cycle is f***ed - was happier in my ignorance!

Was advised by a well-meaning friend recently that maybe I need to change my diet. It's up there with "just relax and it will happen" or "you need to wait until your body is ready". Someone else told me that people who adopt always seem to get pregnant afterwards, as they've stopped obsessing at that stage. So my next plan is to adopt a child, any child, to improve my chances of having my own. I will also change my diet to include plenty of red wine and valium, so that I will be relaxed enough to conceive. Hopefully my body will be ready by then.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Feebee - 2/3 DPO

Had a great weekend, but two nights of drinking has made my chart a bit indecipherable. I need to identify O for my gynae appt on Thurs but have conflicting info from chart, OPKs and my own observations of CM and O cramps. I would appreciate any advice possible on this. Here's my chart:

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/c1f86/?a=870850&u=1

It suggests I O'd on Fri. However, I got -OPK on Thurs night and only a little bit of EWCM on Fri, plenty more on Sat. Thurs was my last OPK, wish I'd forked out for some more now. I also got slight O pain in the early hours of Sun morning - this usually happens the day after +OPK so I take it to mean I am ovulating around the time it happens.

Basically, my chart says I O'd on Fri, I think it was late Sat/early Sun. If at all. How much would alcohol on Fri and Sat nights affect my temps the next morning? How much does testing an hour or 2 later than usual affect temps?

Thank you very much.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Feebee - CD15

I was going to write a woe-is-me post about an hour ago, but the voices in my head said "Step away from the computer, this too shall pass". So I did and it did.

No CM at all this morning, a small amount of EWCM now. No table available at my special bday restaurant earlier, a cancellation available now. No +OPK yesterday, the voices say I might get one tomorrow.

Unfortunately there will be no more OPKs, used last saveontests yesterday and refuse blindly to buy from local chemist. Have about 35 HPTs though - never manage to get the balance right!

It's our joint bday weekend - DH's bday is Monday so we always have a big night out on the weekend in between. So hope y'all have a good one - we will!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Feebee - CD14

No signs of O whatsoever - no EWCM, no cramps and barely a shadow on OPKs. I need to be 6/7 DPO for blood tests when I see my gynae next Thurs, so hoping it will show up soon.

Feel a little like I'm teetering on the edge of the infertility abyss at the moment. Suppose it's a combination of bday, looming gynae appt and way too much Internet research! Will probably be back to normal in a day or 2 (or if I manage to get a sneaky BD in when O arrives!).

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Feebee - CD12

It's my birthday. Was planning on being upbeat today, but instead am feeling very sad and finding it hard not to think about where I expected my life to be by now. No, actually, scrap that and let's start again...

It's my birthday today! We're going out later and it's going to be the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! I didn't get my present yet thanks to a postal strike, but it's going to make it EVEN MORE SPECIAL when I do get it. And that goes for everything else I'm waiting on too.

Onwards and upwards.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Feebee - CD11

I can highly recommend taking a month off TTC if it has become an obsession. Not that wild horses could have dragged me away from it before my LP defect was identified, but I'm loving the "whatever happens, happens" approach we're having to take this month. Since July I have had my poor DH on a rota of pretty much 2 weeks on (yes, every night), 2 weeks off. It's mentally exhausting, not to mention the physical exertion. So now we're doing it for fun, when we feel like it, and not at all for a few nights if that's what we want.

Dontcha just hate when people say "at least you'll have fun trying"? Yeah, I love it best when, for the 13th day in a row, I've been up since 7am, have done a full day's work, picked up DS, come home and cooked, cleaned, played with DS and put him to bed, and finally when I've checked all the signs for maximum fertility - that's when I feel at my sexiest!!!

As someone else said, "trying" can be very trying.

So I'm loads more relaxed and feeling fabulous! Another reason for this is, every time AF arrives people say "look after yourself", "treat yourself". Now, I scrub up well on a night out and make an effort with general grooming, but in the past haven't bothered much with make-up during the week. With all the looking after and treating though, I find myself with a whole range of Benefit beauty products that are so yummy I want to use them every day. Thanks for the encouragement folks!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Feebee - CD8

After months of feeling confident I wouldn't need it, I finally bought Taking Charge of Your Fertililty by Toni Weschler. I skulked into Waterstones at lunchtime and sulked as soon as I saw the pregnancy section. Much like I sulked in Boots at the weekend, when I had to buy my basal body thermometer.

I asked my GP whether or not we should be trying this month, and she said we might as well as my LP varies in length. She also said that at my age (35) we probably wouldn't want to waste a month. She is right. However, a fellow TTC-er, who has also suffered from a LP defect, advised me to wait until it's sorted out, to save myself the heartache of another m/c or chemical pregancy. She is also right.

I have made a decision to sit on the fence. We will have unprotected sex this month, but I will not force DH to perform at certain times, as decided by soul-destroying little sticks (I hate them all) dipped in pots of pee. I will still have to co-operate with the sticks (b*****ds) in order to date O, but they will not be the boss of me this month!!! We will go back to the old-fashioned way of BDing - for fun, when we feel like it!!!!!

Disclaimer: I may change my mind about this, but for now I'm just going to chill out and enjoy the weekend without any TTC pressure.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Feebee - CD6

I've decided I'm on CD6 and not CD5 today, as I had spotting last Friday and Fertility Friend tells me that makes today CD6. I'm all for moving things along as quickly as possible, so here we are.

I started temping yesterday, recorded a temp of 35.88, today it's 36.44. Seems like a very big jump compared to the other charts I've looked at. Maybe I was just cold yesterday morning?!?! Had 2 fairly restless nights, so not expecting to get the hang of this straight away.

I've managed to get a gynae appointment with my ob for 2 weeks time, so I'm delighted. It will be coming up to a week after O (hopefully) so she can measure my progesterone and oestrogen levels to see what the problem is. One thing I'm not sure about is, should we be trying this cycle? If I was to get pregnant and it did stick, what then? Would it be a matter of wait and see, or would I be able to get treatment while I was pregnant? Think I will call my GP in the morning for some advice.

Maybe we'll all be up the duff by Christmas!!! Woohoo!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Feebee - CD4

Thanks for all your support and advice girls, has cheered me up and helped me move on. Also, Halloween was a huge success and I didn't even think about TTC all evening! It means I can look forward to Christmas without worrying that AF will arrive and spoil it.

I have spoken to my GP and a fertility care practitioner and it seems I do have a problem (my m/c could also be related to this). GP will do blood tests to check my progesterone and oestrogen levels a week after O, and will refer me to a specialist. If the bloods show a problem, it should be fairly easy to fix. Could be a few months before we get to see anyone, but we will keep trying in the meantime!

I'm trying to get my head around the fact that we could be in for the long haul, but am also pleased that there is something we can do about it. It's the powerlessness of TTC that gets me down the most - this way we can take back some control, even if it takes longer than expected.