See, I told you!!! Not that it stopped me from crying all day when AF arrived - suppose it's just a knee-jerk reaction to the sight of blood at this stage.
But that was two days ago, and after a couple of days away, I am back on the horse again. There will be 2 big differences this cycle though - I will not be testing until 14dpo (have only 1 ten quid Clearblue HPT left and will not be ordering any more online), and I will be organising plenty of extra-curricular activities around testing/obsessing time in order to distract myself as much as possible.
So here we go again (big sigh of resignation followed by barely audible gasp of excitement).
Called gynae to see if I should stop progesterone and she said to take it for another 7 days just in case. Just in case of what??? Just in case my spirit hasn't been completely crushed? Just in case our Christmas hasn't been totally ruined?
I repeat, I am definitely not pregnant. I have had several glasses of wine every night since Friday. I have also been ill over Christmas and have taken cough medicine, sinus tablets and whatever painkillers were available at a given time and place. I did not even bother to read the instructions re pregnancy. I have no symptoms of pregnancy, also none of AF.
And yet my gynae, with a sweeping generalisation, has managed to place the thought in my head that there may still be hope. My head hurts.
No Christmas miracle for me - 12dpo, 13dpo, 14dpo (DS's bday), 15dpo, 16dpo (Christmas day): BFN. Gave up and waited for AF. Today (18dpo) still no sign and another BFN. This is now CD35, 10 days longer than my usual AF. Called gynae to see if I should stop the progesterone but she's not back until tomorrow. Think I will stop taking it as I am 100% sure I'm not pregnant and am finding the limbo way too hard - have also had serious PMT for the last week. My temps are still way up, most likely thanks to the progesterone, so I am giving up temping as it tells me nothing. Will probably temp for a few days around O next cycle, but that's it. Am also giving up message boards as I do not believe in babydust any more. Thought about giving up blogging too, but then I'd have no-one to talk to so will stick around for a while.
Was feeling so low in the run up to Christmas that I wasn't sure I could keep going at this. But deep down I knew I had no choice. I have 2 more cycles on Clomid before we get more tests to determine the next step. I'm not expecting a miracle any more and am gearing myself up for IVF. But for now will console myself with the return of AF - godammit, you can't live with her and you can't live without her!
Another BFN today, not even a shadow of a crazy lady line. Not even an evap line! On both of my last pregnancies (m/c and chem preg) I had very, very faint lines from about 8dpo, and plenty of symptoms by 11dpo on my m/c. Absolutely no symptoms today, just a stinking cold.
So, I give up. I know, I know, I know, there's still hope. But it doesn't look good. It's DS's birthday on Friday so I have to hold myself together for that, then can fall apart on Saturday.
On the plus side, this is the first time I've had an 11dpo entry - great.
I know that most people come to these pages looking for symptoms, so I'll do my best to identify my almost non-existent symptoms this weekend.
I've had creamy CM since O - loads of it for the first 5 or 6 days, still plenty of it now but not as much. I'm using progesterone pessaries, however, so these could be to blame.
My nipples have been hard for the last few days, although there has been no change to my areolas or the rest of my breasts.
I have had a few twinges on both sides of my lower abdomen but there is no way I would have noticed them if I hadn't been constantly monitoring my body for the slightest of changes.
I had a bout of exhaustion yesterday evening and had to lie down for a few minutes. Could happen to anyone on the Saturday before Christmas though!
I have had no cramps, no nausea, no sore boobs, no metallic taste in my mouth, no constant tiredness, no strange dreams. Apart from my outburst on Thursday, I haven't had any unexplained teariness. I have had a sore throat for the last 3 days but I don't think that qualifies as a pregnancy symptom. So, on the whole, not looking good.
The one redeeming factor is that my chart seems to have gone triphasic. Last month was my first month charting and it didn't happen then, but I think it's too early in my charting career to start making comparisons. Still, at least temps remain high, although this could also be because of the progesterone supplements. I suppose it's a small victory that I'm even writing a 9dpo entry. Here is chart:
Still feeling not a tad pregnant. Going slowly crazy, sitting in my office on my own, googling 7dpo symptoms and seeing the same sites I see every month - why hasn't medical science advanced considerably during this eternity I've been TTC???
I can't even begin to face up to my loss of productivity over the last four cycles. As I work for myself, this has the potential to become a major problem. It would be so much easier if I was wasting someone else's time and money. At least when people ask what I've been up to I can tell them that I've been doing lots of "writing".
So come on God, let's look at this from a global perspective. You give me a BFP, I start giving more back to the good people of this world, and everyone's a winner, ok?
Today has not been a good day. I cried at work. Twice. Why? A friend texted me moaning about her morning sickness. Well, I did ask how she was. But why did I really cry? I don't know, today is supposed to be part of the up-cycle, the ever-hopeful start of the 2ww. I suppose I'm terrified of AF this time round, and the shadow it could cast over Christmas and my darling DS's birthday next week. I suppose I'm starting to be worn down by the cyclical nature of my existence, and the slow descent towards infertility.
Or it could be pregnancy hormones!!!
I have absolutely no symptoms of any kind. A few months ago this would have troubled me, but I've had the symptom cycles with no result so I'm not too bothered at this stage. I have had unprecedented amounts of creamy CM in the past few days, but I suspect this is the fault of the progesterone pessaries. So all I can do is sit and wait. This is the hardest 2ww ever.
I have been reliably informed that I should use my temp rise as the primary indicator of O. So now I'm 4dpo - yay, I've gained a day!
I haven't done any symptom watching yet so here goes: I think my CM has been creamy since O - the, ahem, "leakage" from my pessaries makes it difficult to observe. Today I had strong pains in my lower abdomen for 2 periods of about 15 minutes, more like a stitch than O or AF cramps. Apart from that, nada. In fact, the only side effect I've noticed from Clomid was slight O pain around CD2/3.
The big question now is, how long can I hold out before testing - anyone want to open a book? I'm aiming to get past next weekend to 10dpo. I've rationalised that if I can wait until the 26th then I can still have a happy Christmas one way or another, but the reality is that AF will almost certainly have arrived by then if that's what she is planning on doing. Decisions, decisions...
Which is the most reliable indicator of O day, OPK or temp shift? Once again Fertility Friend and I are in disagreement over O day. All my indicators - OPK, O cramps, CM - say it was Sat, but as my temp rose that morning FF says I must have O'd on Fri. Exactly the same thing happened last month. My temps also continued rising for about 4 days after AF arrived this month, so maybe I'm just weird.
As usual DH managed to get drunk on O day, and was asleep by the time I got home on Sat night. I can't imagine he finds an incensed dominatrix trying to shake him out of his stupor very sexy ("you have 3 eyes"), but he should know the score by now. Still, the deed was done, and we have a funny conception story to tell our child(ren) in years to come!
So we're back on the 2ww. I'm sure I'm pregnant this time (it's the only way to think) but, more than ever, am preparing myself for the worst. If Clomid manages to give me a full 2 week LP, then AF could come knocking on Christmas eve. That would mean I would be in full "why me?" mode by Christmas day - you gotta laugh, hopefully I will.
FSH, LH and testosterone came back "normal". Gynae couldn't remember the levels when I spoke to her on the phone but she said she'd written to me with details. I pushed her on the FSH as I was concerned that it might be slightly elevated, and she said she didn't think so. I said "so I'm completely normal then?", she laughed and said "well, as regards bloodwork you are".
So now that I know my eggs aren't bad and gone, I'm back on board and hoping for a result. Still no +OPK but have loads of EWCM so hoping for one tonight. Actually, I have more EWCM than ever - so much for Clomid drying it up.
I have been feeling very anxious today, despite the good test results, so am not expecting the next 2 weeks to be easy. All we can do is give it our best shot over the coming days. So everyone, please do some sperm meets egg visualisation for me tomorrow and send all your good vibes this way!
It's that time of month again, I'm starting to get excited about this cycle - somebody take me aside and beat it out of me, I'm sure it's not healthy.
A very knowledgeable lady told me that my Day 21 progesterone level of 43 could indicate that we were very close last month, ie sperm met egg but didn't go all the way. It could explain the fact that I had similar 2ww symptoms to when I was pregnant - creamy CM and mild O pains throughout the 2ww (or the 10dw as it is in my case). OR I just wasn't pregnant at all and the 2ww symptom theory is load of old pants.
My thyroid and blood count came back normal too, so just FSH, LH and testosterone to go. Wasn't concerned about these at all as I was expecting the progesterone to be the pesky troublemaker, but now of course I'm condemned to google hormone level scaremongering until my results come in. Oh to be normal *sigh*
Ha, just managed to talk that inital optimism out of myself - you can put your baseball bats away!
AF finally buggered off on Saturday so I ended up with a 10 day AF. Gynae called and said it's not usual but it does happen (very scientific). She also said that my day 21 progesterone level was 43, which is very good and indicates that I was ovulating just fine on my own. I'm to stay on the Clomid and the progesterone pessaries though. Still waiting for O so I can try out those fun-sounding pessaries.
Got another absolutely definite +OPK on Friday with no other signs of O, so did some thorough Internet research. Apparently the advice is not to test for O for 3 days after taking Clomid, as it can cause false positives. Only -OPKs since, so that's that.
Have been having very slight O pains on both sides today (yipee!) so am hoping that I get a double chance at conceiving this cycle. Ok, ok, I'll be honest - TWINS!!!
Keeping very busy these days so not much time to obsess. Am also gearing up for Christmas, and very slowly starting to believe that the Clomid might actually work. We'll see.
Still bleeding, although not so much any more, looks like it's coming to an end. Called my gynae to see if this is a problem, no answer and waiting for her to call back.
My OPKs finally arrived from saveontests, and poas addict that I am, I had a go. Full-on, no question about it +. Corresponding temp dip today. Is this possible? I asked on MM and was told that Clomid can interfere with OPKs and it's not likely to be a real +. No O pain today and AF is still hanging around so I guess I'll disregard it. I thought the magic drugs were supposed to make things less confusing :(
Am going to try and persuade DH to get a Christmas tree this weekend. We're usually the couple frantically driving further and further from home on Christmas eve, in a quest to find a half-decent tree. Now that we have an almost 2 year old, I say Christmas starts here. I have unbelievably already done most of my Christmas shopping, thanks to an inspired 1am visit to play.com a couple of nights ago. All from the comfort of my own sofa and at half the price - isn't the Internet marvellous?!
I am now on day 8 of bright red bleeding. I've read that Clomid can cause heavier periods, but what about longer ones? Will have a look at TCOYF tonight. I have to admit I didn't learn anything new on my first read-through, which made me feel that a) I may have wasted my money and b) I am a jaded TTCer.
I went to the funeral of an old friend's father yesterday and was dreading the line of new babies and pregnancies that would undoubtedly be paraded in front of me. I brought DS with me, possibly to make it clear that I am not actually infertile. No new babies, no pregnant friends, just several people who seemed geniunely pleased to see me - I really need to stop taking life so seriously.
So, looking forward to Christmas and all it might bring. I'm dying to try out those progesterone pessaries, so come on AF - sling your hook so we can get cracking on this baby!