Better to have loved and lost?There is something I've been keeping to the back of my mind for several months, and have not brought it up for fear of upsetting someone. However, this recent post on the A Rocky Place blog has reassured me as to my own feelings on the subject.
I would rather have been pregnant during the last 5 months and miscarried again than nothing. At least I would have been happy during that time. Every time AF arrives, it feels like another m/c to me. And every month that goes past is another month closer to infertility - I will officially reach that target next month.
I put on a brave face most of the time, even to myself. I certainly have a brave face I usually use for this blog. I wonder will I ever again hear a pregnancy announcement without feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach - have I already reached a point of no return? I constantly read other infertility and long-term TTC blogs and weep and weep for the chronic pain that these women endure. I feel terrified that I may soon be one of them. Sometimes I even wonder if I already am, and then I feel selfish as we haven't even been trying a year yet.
And here I am once again at 9dpo, with no pregnancy symptoms. I can't take time off work to deal with my inevitable breakdown next week. Perversely, if I was pregnant I could probably pull a few perfectly acceptable sickies. And then all around me would rally when they heard my devastating news. No sympathy for nothing though. That brave face is starting to look a bit battered.