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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Better to have loved and lost?

There is something I've been keeping to the back of my mind for several months, and have not brought it up for fear of upsetting someone. However, this recent post on the A Rocky Place blog has reassured me as to my own feelings on the subject.

I would rather have been pregnant during the last 5 months and miscarried again than nothing. At least I would have been happy during that time. Every time AF arrives, it feels like another m/c to me. And every month that goes past is another month closer to infertility - I will officially reach that target next month.

I put on a brave face most of the time, even to myself. I certainly have a brave face I usually use for this blog. I wonder will I ever again hear a pregnancy announcement without feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach - have I already reached a point of no return? I constantly read other infertility and long-term TTC blogs and weep and weep for the chronic pain that these women endure. I feel terrified that I may soon be one of them. Sometimes I even wonder if I already am, and then I feel selfish as we haven't even been trying a year yet.

And here I am once again at 9dpo, with no pregnancy symptoms. I can't take time off work to deal with my inevitable breakdown next week. Perversely, if I was pregnant I could probably pull a few perfectly acceptable sickies. And then all around me would rally when they heard my devastating news. No sympathy for nothing though. That brave face is starting to look a bit battered.

4 Comments:

At 3:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI Feebee,
I will not give you the standard pep talk today because sometimes you just need to feel gloomy. You know my feelings anyway. Once you have gone several months with no pregnancy it does seem that things will never happen for you,noone was more surprised than I to get a + test last cycle & somehow in spite of the loss it was encouraging because fertility at my stage of the game is an against the odds venture. I am glad you see the RE soon, I think that it will help to feel like you are doing something.
As I can't help myself I will remind you that except for my first pregnancy I never had early physical symptoms & at 9dpo you would just be implanting. I know as self defense we lose hope aat this time each cycle-I have done it myself many times-funny how it is so much easier to tell others that it is emotional, not rational & believe it than it is to believe it yourself!

Just know that I am pulling for you-you are right it is tough & noone knows who hasn't been through it.Take care of yourself...feeling frustration & sadness is to be expected but don't lose hope,& if you do for a moment know that I've got it for you-in spades,
Lisa

 
At 3:50 AM, Blogger PortLairge said...

I've never been pregnant so I can't comment on that part of it however I do find that I feel unworthy of the title infertile sometimes when there are so many people out there who have been through so much pain and agony that I can't even begin to imagine. I was so depressed in the summer of last year, I didn't think I could go on, so I can't even bear to think what a miscarriage would be like

 
At 6:31 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Lisa - you are right, as usual. I have cheered up a bit today. Had a lovely day off with DS and am going out tonight, so less time for obsessing. With absolutely no symptoms again today, I have pretty much written off this cycle and am trying to concentrate on the next one - have even bought my Clomid already. In fact, just to prove how certain (and calm) I am, I am going to have several glasses of wine tonight!

I hope you're feeling ok. Have you O'd yet? Fingers crossed you manage to take advantage of the mythical increased fertility after m/c, so you don't have to return to the daily toil of TTC.

Portlairge - I have honestly found the month after month disappointment of failed cycles harder to deal with than my m/c. I was devastated when I miscarried, but was convinced I would be pregnant again within a few months, and that would make everything better.

I've been checking in to your blog to see how you're getting on. Very, very excited and hopeful for you.

 
At 6:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY! »

 

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