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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day!

Another forced day of celebration, another failed cycle. I was going to hold off on writing a woe-is-me post in the hope that I'd feel better tomorrow, but fuck it, it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

So can I join your gang now? Over 35, more than 6 cycles TTC since m/c = infertile! Apologies to the 20-somethings and early 30-somethings who had to endure a year of bitter disappointment before getting to wear the badge. Maybe there should be a sliding scale. As I'm only 36 I suppose I should have to wait until 10 or 11 months. If I include the pre-m/c TTC then we're on our 11th cycle - will that do?

I tried it out on a close friend at the weekend. But you can't be infertile, you have DS! I tried to explain about everything. She could understand how I could be desperate for a child if I didn't already have one, but why on earth would I put myself through such stress to have another one? She doesn't have children, but I'm sure she will one day and maybe then she'll remember the conversation and see it differently.


At 4:02 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

I was 29 when I got my infertility badge, so it had been a year of TTC, but my mother still tried to tell me, "That's not so long!" Of course, she got pg with both of her kids in about 2 months each. I think people try to make you feel better with these sort of remarks, but it's like telling someone with skin cancer, "Oh, that's not *real* cancer!" It's dismissive, not comforting. :(

I think primary infertility and secondary infertility are both incredibly hard, but sometimes in different ways/for different reasons. With secondary infertility, you know what you're missing, for one thing. And, as a friend who's going through it said the other day, "I have a lot of regret for not having cherished my pg with ds more. I just didn't know it might be the only one I'd ever have!"

Lisa (the other one, who hasn't posted in quite a while :))

At 5:04 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Hi Lisa

Good to see you again. I hope your pregnancy is going well....???

I use cancer analogies quite a lot, as in would you tell a cancer patient to "just relax"? I like your skin cancer one, will keep it in reserve for the next annoying comment.

I think about all the baby clothes in the attic that I packed away carefully for "the next one", and it aches to think I may never unpack them. I regret that I started working again when DS was only 3 months old, and I really, really, really regret that we put off TTC for a year just so we could have a summer wedding. But I do have the most wonderful little boy in the world, so I can't complain too much.

At 11:12 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

I've read that when they measured the stress suffered by fertility patients, it was higher than the stress that people who are terminally ill suffer. People often seem to think that stress leads to infertility, but it's the other way around.

Yes, things are going well here. It's very odd to me, since it took so long to conceive ds, and this one was so fast (since we already knew what to do to "fix" my problem). Sometimes it seems like I can't possibly be more than halfway through this pg -- shouldn't I still be ttcing?? And I still find myself feeling jealous of pg women, which is so bizarre, but I don't know if it'll ever go away entirely. Infertility definitely changes you. For me, I wouldn't actually want to go back in time and get pg right off the bat. I think it all turned out to be a real growth experience. I hope someday you'll be surrounded by exactly the number of children that you want to have, and be able to look back and say the same thing.

At 12:18 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Thanks Lisa. Delighted to hear that all is well - when are you due?

I was jealous of pregnant women even before we started TTCing. I loved being pregnant last time and would have tried again way earlier if circumstances had allowed. Now when I see pregnant women I am not so much jealous of the fact that they are having babies, but the fact that they probably have no idea of the pain that some people have to go through to try and become pregnant. But I do not assume that they are not one of those people.

A few months after our m/c I was able to look at the situation and find the positive in it - we were closer, stronger, I wouldn't take anything for granted again. Now I can't do that any more. Our lives are at a standstill, I am very bitter and things will never be the same again. So I'm glad to hear you say that you've found some good in your infertility.


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