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Saturday, February 11, 2006

In sickness and in health

Before you decided to make a long-term commitment to your partner, maybe long before, you probably spoke about children - how many you wanted, or if you wanted any at all. How many of you spoke about the possibility of one or both of you being infertile, and how you would deal with it? We did speak about it before we made our long-term commitment (the purchase of our house), but only to the extent that I was 31 and DH was 28 and we'd better get going in the next couple of years just in case we had problems (my feelings, not his). We never spoke about what would happen if problems were identified.

Which is why we now find ourselves in a stalemate on the subject of adoption. You may think I am getting ahead of myself, but adoption in Ireland takes up to 5 years, whether it is domestic or intercountry adoption. I like to plan ahead, whereas DH tends to take things as they come. I think I would like to adopt a child in the next 5-6 years, regardless of whether or not we have another one of our own. DH has no interest in doing this now, but will think about it in the future. I think we should apply and see how we feel about it over the 5 years it will take. DH does not want to apply at all until he is committed to the idea. Stalemate.

It's a pretty emotive subject to be debating, especially with Valentine's Day just around the corner. As I'm fairly stubborn and impatient, I'm slightly concerned that I may not let this one lie.


At 12:13 AM, Anonymous lisau said...

Here, in country adoptions often take longer but still within a couple of years (lot's of kids to adopt!), international from what I have read are quite quick-as in a year is late average! We aren't ready in terms of finances at this point. That is what I am working on now so we CAN move on it soon...hopefully starting the process this summer (makes me feel like I will be "Expecting" one way or the other.)My husband also was not keen on the idea for years. I think he had the same worries" can I love an adopted baby as much?" and also the fear of the unknown-you don't know the family that the baby will come from. To me not an issue as certainly we (and most families ) have a black sheep ,or mental/physical illness,or alcoholism...SOMEWHERE in the family tree!

A good, loving, family makes all the difference in most circumstances. Besides I have yet to see any guarantees in life!

Your DH,not being in your shoes,also probably assumes that you ARE going to have a baby soon -he doesn't know although that may very well be true that it doesn't always feel that way to you.He may not be seperating your TTC issues & the desire to adopt.I don't know what his reasons are but I do know more than one husband who has changed his mind on the issue of adoption.It can be done.

It looks like I am in for very early O as my OPK was near + today. Here we go again....

Take care & hugs,

At 2:42 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Lisa - I suppose my only hope is to wear him down over time :( He doesn't have the same desire for more children as I do, so if he did change his mind he would only be doing it for me, not for him. We'll see what happens in time.

Good luck with O. I had temp drop today so waiting on AF and hoping for another short cycle. Do you know if there's a downside to ovulating so early?

At 9:11 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

Don't underetimate wearing him down over time...my husband was not nearly as eager as I to have baby #3 and baby 4 was even harder (for both of us as I had just lost my mother & was very emotional). Over time as I would point out how wonderful our children were he would start to get into the idea.Lily(#3) is just the most joyous child & gives him so much love each & every day that she makes a great case for having more. Also over time & with a bit of age & perspective I think men come to realize that there really isn't anything more important in this world than family.
My brother only got married due to an ultimatum (he loved his girlfriend very much but knew that with marraige came kids,which scared him to death-at age 33!)Now he has 2 kids & they are absolutely the light of his life. I think that in the past men were not brought up to be nuturers & caregivers-so they have a hard time as men being emotionally as invested in family life.

It does come with time though- & we will do more with our sons to let them see the joys of being nuturing humans.

This is not in any way meant as a knock to your DH,you have made it clear how much he adores your son, and over time he may very well change his mind,through James & because of your strong feelings. There is nothing wrong with you leading the way !

As far as a downside to early O,I really hope not as I seem to do so!(Got a no-doubt it + yesterday) It's one of those things I almost don't want to look into. From a logical standpoint I would think if anything it would mean not enough time for egg development. Since I am not going to do anything medical in mty efforts to try and conceive at this stage-I am kind of relaxing about all the cycle stuff...even temps..the cycle I was pregnant they were ALL over the place & if you search charts at FF you'll see every variation of temps in a pregnancy chart. I like the charting for O identification and for something to do during the wait but no longer put much stock in it in regards to predicting pregnancy!

take care,

At 1:01 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Lisa - At 33, DH is only a baby himself. I'll give him some time. Like maybe a week or two.

I'm so with you on the temping. Dr W told us to throw away the thermometer and OPKs, but like you said, it gives me something to do during the 2ww. And I might have missed O this time round without them. Not that it's done us any good - another temp drop today and the faintest possible spotting. Happy Valentine's Day!

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