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Friday, June 30, 2006

Quick update, more later

Scan went ok. Most importantly, no cysts. Endometrial lining very thin for CD10, but have 2 small follicles, so not likely to O for a good while, so endo lining should have time to build up. So back on Tuesday to see how follicles and lining have developed and hopefully I'll be ready to go by then. 'Fraid I'm gonna have to ask you to wish me luck all over again for Tuesday!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

IUI is go

1st scan, 9.15 Friday morning. I need all the luck/prayers/positive thinking/visualisation in the world. Thanks folks.

Monday, June 26, 2006

If it's not one thing, it's your mother

Of course the blood tests didn't come back yet. They will give it until tomorrow and if there's no sign of them, then I'll just have to wait until next cycle. Oh no wait, what's that? It's not going to be that simple? I'm due my annual smear next month and won't be allowed proceed with an IUI without it? No problem, I'll just wait until August/September. And yes, don't worry, I won't forget to "just relax".

Luckily we have serious MIL problems, so haven't had too much time to dwell on our fertility clinic problems. MIL, now that's a whole separate blog of its own. Hmmmm....

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Blood, sweat and tears

How did I know this wouldn't be easy?

Called fertility clinic on CD1 yesterday to book in for (unmedicated) IUI. Have had various tests done in the last couple of months, so secretary went through them one by one - all clear, and by the way you won't be doing the IUI this cycle as you need to have up-to-date HIV and hepatitis tests first.

Ok, you may be silently bawling, your face may be contorted with pain, but DO NOT LOSE THE PLOT, remember what happened last time?

Let me take this in and think on the run - ok secretary, I'm not actually due in until CD9 for my first scan, so how about I come in immediately for the tests and then see if there's any way we can get them back in time. Secretary will try and organise this, but lets me know that the results usually take 2-3 weeks.

Half an hour later we're at the clinic trying to charm a nurse into prioritising our blood tests. She caves and marks them "urgent". We bring them to the lab and I try to find out how long "urgent" takes. Very kind nurse makes a call and says they will try and get them back tomorrow.

Nobody has called yet to let me know if IUI is back on or not. This is turning out to be one of my hardest fought battles in a long while.

Please let me explain

I got pulled up, probably deservedly so, on yesterday's comment, "Why can't miscarriages be reserved for those who can conceive easily?". Let me explain.

I know a m/c is a terrible ordeal for anyone, but the pain is healed somewhat by becoming pregnant again, or so I am told by those who have conceived fairly easily after m/c.

My m/c was a horrible ordeal that I never expected to go through, but one that I hoped I could move on from within a short amount of time; not forget, just move on, become pregnant again, and start to heal. 13 cycles on this has still not happened.

There are now tens of women on the message board I frequent (well, the one I still check into resignedly) who have miscarried since me and become pregnant again - I know a couple of these personally. They will never forget the babies they lost, but they are now able to look forward in their lives. They have a future with a new baby to hope and dream for; I do not and D does not. We do not know if this will ever happen as we are both part of infertile couples, on the wrong side of 35, and with a history of m/c.

Myself and D have discussed how our miscarriages have become a drop in the ocean of pain we suffer daily. Every failed cycle now feels like a m/c, and every failed cycle brings us closer to the end of the line.

If I had conceived soon after my m/c I would be a different person to the one I am now, I would still be the optimistic, cheerful person I used to be.

Miscarriage is hard for anyone, no matter how you look at it. But facing a future where you may never conceive again is like cutting off all access to the outside world; it is the pain of a loss that will last forever.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Congratulations and celebrations

If you've got a moment, take a visit over to Beth's for some great news. A well-earned result.

Another day, another cycle

I had a temp dip below the coverline today at....7dpo. Only time will tell, but the early signs indicate the crappest cycle ever. But, next stop IUI.

Ok, here's the thing - I just said "I think AF is on the way, but it's ok cos we're doing IUI next cycle". That's not exactly true. AF is probably on the way and I'm completely and utterly devastated as I'd got my hopes up just as much as ever, have been obsessing over the slightest twinge since O, have worked out due date and age gap with DS, work has gone to shit just like it does in every 2ww, and I feel like I'm in a little infertile cocoon and will never be allowed to rejoin the world outside.

IUI is the furthest thing from my mind. It's part of the next cycle, the one I hoped would never happen. I'm not "looking forward" to it, I'm dreading needing to do it, and I'm not even allowing myself to think of what will happen if it doesn't work.

I'll end this dark post with some very sad news - I posted a couple of weeks ago that my friend, D, was pregnant after 2 years; sadly, her little baby didn't make it. Why can't miscarriages be reserved for those who can conceive easily? Not that I'd wish one on anyone, but this seems like a double punishment.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Very quickly

Finally O'd on CD20 (have never had an unmedicated cycle longer than 27 days before).

Off to Manchester for the weekend to visit some friends and watch some football.

Have a good one!

Monday, June 12, 2006

It's the World Cup

It's the World Cup!!!!

Can anything dampen my spirits? NO!!!

Too busy at work? It can wait!!!

Most likely having an anovulatory cycle? Who doesn't once in a while?!?!

Ireland didn't qualify? I also have a British passport!!!

Not going to Germany? Going to Manchester, the home of football, instead!!!


Thursday, June 08, 2006

But you can't be infertile!!!

I was asked, in a comment to yesterday's post, if I feel that some infertile women that have no children may feel negatively towards me because I have a child.

I expect so.

My personal feelings are that this would be much harder for me if I didn't have a child already, both from the point of view of the comfort that he brings and also the fact that I know I can carry a baby to term. But there are issues on both sides - I am missing part of my son's life because of what infertility is doing to us, no matter how hard I try not to let it interfere. I thought I would be the best mother in the world and I can't be because there are times when I have to cry and when I feel so defeated that I can barely raise a smile. I also thought I would be able to provide DS with a sibling and I can't do that either - he's the only one of his friends that doesn't at least have one in the post.

Infertility was always my biggest fear, but the fear was that I might never have children - I didn't really know about secondary infertility until it happened to us. So here we are; I do have a child, and we are also infertile. It's not as bad as I feared, I don't have to face a childless future and I can't imagine how hard that pain must be. If there are readers who resent me because they think their pain is greater than mine, then they have every right to feel like that and I have nothing but compassion for what they must be going through.

But this is still fucking awful.

What I resent most is not what other people have, it's what I've lost. There are those things that are in the past - 16 months of my life, my little baby - but they are gone now. It's the loss of innocence that will stick with me forever that I resent the most - I will never again hear a pregnancy announcement without feeling a twinge of sadness and bitterness, I will never look at a pregnant woman without trying to second-guess her story. I will never, ever forget what I've gone through, and no matter how my story ends, the fact that there are millions of women around me going through the same thing.

I could measure my pain against other infertiles - those that are younger than me, have more children than me, have greater access to treatment than me. But what I really want from them is their support and understanding, because they are the only ones who really know what it feels like.

Me please!

(my husband's sperm please)

Thanks to Jenny.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Some good news at last

Finally, a pregnancy announcement that doesn't make me feel like vomiting. (Apologies to non-infertile pregnant readers - I do love you but it's NOT FAIR!) One of my best infertile buddies, D, is finally pregnant! I feel great that I feel great - was afraid that the last drop of compassion may have been bled out of me somewhere along this rocky road. It seems I'm still capable of riding the BFP wave. Oh look, what's that shimmering in the distance? Could it be, my god, I think it's babydust - gonna grab me some of that.

Now some catchup: HSG was fine. It was about as uncomfortable as a smear - there was a small amount of pain when the speculum went into my cervix and that was it. Didn't feel the dye at all and no cramping afterwards, just a small amount of spotting for a couple of days. Most painful part of the procedure was having to pay the bill. And all is well, as expected, so IUI next cycle. CD14 now and no sign of O. So last week's follicle must have been a cyst.

And finally, it's that boy again...
Beautiful boyBeautiful boysBeautiful boy

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Lunchtime at the Pav

I LOVE my new phone! It's a Nokia N70. It has a 2 megapixel camera with flash, although no optical zoom, only digital (20x). Haven't tested it indoors yet, although today's outdoor pictures are as good as any 2 megapixel camera I've had. USB download to PC went smoothly, also supports Bluetooth and Infrared and has direct to printer connectivity. Includes a stereo FM radio with support for Visual Radio and an MP3 player, although only comes with 64MB reduced-size MMC as standard. Oh yes, it is also a 3G phone!!!

Lunchtime at the PavLunchtime at the PavLunchtime at the Pav
Lunchtime at the PavLunchtime at the PavLunchtime at the Pav