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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Another day, another cycle

I had a temp dip below the coverline today at....7dpo. Only time will tell, but the early signs indicate the crappest cycle ever. But, next stop IUI.

Ok, here's the thing - I just said "I think AF is on the way, but it's ok cos we're doing IUI next cycle". That's not exactly true. AF is probably on the way and I'm completely and utterly devastated as I'd got my hopes up just as much as ever, have been obsessing over the slightest twinge since O, have worked out due date and age gap with DS, work has gone to shit just like it does in every 2ww, and I feel like I'm in a little infertile cocoon and will never be allowed to rejoin the world outside.

IUI is the furthest thing from my mind. It's part of the next cycle, the one I hoped would never happen. I'm not "looking forward" to it, I'm dreading needing to do it, and I'm not even allowing myself to think of what will happen if it doesn't work.

I'll end this dark post with some very sad news - I posted a couple of weeks ago that my friend, D, was pregnant after 2 years; sadly, her little baby didn't make it. Why can't miscarriages be reserved for those who can conceive easily? Not that I'd wish one on anyone, but this seems like a double punishment.


At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


After reading your web page its hard no to share your hopes.... bummer to hear that this cycle isnt going so well for you. I dont want to get your hopes up like all those fucked up posts on ivillage where some 20 something will ask - Im 14 dpo, temps are low, I am spotting and I have 3 bfns... do you think I could still be pg and some dumb ass will reply saying 'of course you could be'!

I am not doing too great either. 9 dpo and temps are beginning to fall :-(( LP is typically 14 days so I suppose AF is round the corner

Anon from NYC

At 1:15 PM, Anonymous Amber said...

Miscarriage is just as difficult for someone who can conceive easily believe me, conceiving isn't the be all and end all, having a baby is.

At 1:34 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Anon - hope things turn out better for you than they did for me!

Amber - I know a m/c is a terrible ordeal for anyone, but the pain is healed somewhat by becoming pregnant again, or so I am told by those who have conceived fairly easily after m/c.

My m/c was a horrible ordeal that I never expected to go through, but one that I hoped I could move on from within a short amount of time; not forget, just move on, become pregnant again, and start to heal. 13 cycles on this has still not happened.

There are now tens of women on MM who have miscarried since me and become pregnant again - I know a couple of these personally. They will never forget the babies they lost, but they are now able to look forward in their lives. They have a future with a new baby to hope and dream for; I do not and D does not. We do not know if this will ever happen as we are both part of infertile couples, on the wrong side of 35, and with a history of m/c.

Myself and D have discussed how our miscarriages have become a drop in the ocean of pain we suffer daily. Every failed cycle now feels like a m/c, and every failed cycle brings us closer to the end of the line.

If I had conceived soon after my m/c I would be a different person to the one I am now, I would still be the optimistic, cheerful person I used to be.

Miscarriage is hard for anyone, no matter how you look at it. But facing a future where you may never conceive again is like cutting off all access to the outside world; it is the pain of a loss that will last forever.

At 4:30 PM, Anonymous Amber said...

Ok I see where you are coming from now.

At 5:09 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Amber - sorry, didn't mean to go on a rant, and it certainly wasn't aimed at you!

It just made me think about how most people on the outside think that the worst thing that has happened to me was my m/c - most people have no idea that I'm suffering much more now than I did then.

How are you getting on? When do you go back to your doc to get your iron levels checked again?

At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Amber said...

I did not take your explanation badly at all, in fact it made me appreciate where you were coming from.
I have started having periods again, well more like a continuous bleed really and my iron has plummeted becasue of this.
I am as weak as a kitten and could sleep for Ireland.
I had a bad fall a few weeks ago, may have casued some internal damage I was un aware of.
It is a viscious cycle, I am bleeding because my iron is so low and my iron is low due to the bleeding. If that makes any sense at all.
Still on hold with the TTC....DH is getting impatient with it all and I am just wrecked, both physically from all the bleeding and emotionally trying to deal with what this means....
I'm 34 now, always thought my baby days would be happening on the right side of 35 but not to be.....

At 4:48 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Sorry to hear it's such a vicious cycle, and such an ordeal. Are you seeing a specialist? Have you tried any alternative therapies?


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