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Thursday, June 08, 2006

But you can't be infertile!!!

I was asked, in a comment to yesterday's post, if I feel that some infertile women that have no children may feel negatively towards me because I have a child.

I expect so.

My personal feelings are that this would be much harder for me if I didn't have a child already, both from the point of view of the comfort that he brings and also the fact that I know I can carry a baby to term. But there are issues on both sides - I am missing part of my son's life because of what infertility is doing to us, no matter how hard I try not to let it interfere. I thought I would be the best mother in the world and I can't be because there are times when I have to cry and when I feel so defeated that I can barely raise a smile. I also thought I would be able to provide DS with a sibling and I can't do that either - he's the only one of his friends that doesn't at least have one in the post.

Infertility was always my biggest fear, but the fear was that I might never have children - I didn't really know about secondary infertility until it happened to us. So here we are; I do have a child, and we are also infertile. It's not as bad as I feared, I don't have to face a childless future and I can't imagine how hard that pain must be. If there are readers who resent me because they think their pain is greater than mine, then they have every right to feel like that and I have nothing but compassion for what they must be going through.

But this is still fucking awful.

What I resent most is not what other people have, it's what I've lost. There are those things that are in the past - 16 months of my life, my little baby - but they are gone now. It's the loss of innocence that will stick with me forever that I resent the most - I will never again hear a pregnancy announcement without feeling a twinge of sadness and bitterness, I will never look at a pregnant woman without trying to second-guess her story. I will never, ever forget what I've gone through, and no matter how my story ends, the fact that there are millions of women around me going through the same thing.

I could measure my pain against other infertiles - those that are younger than me, have more children than me, have greater access to treatment than me. But what I really want from them is their support and understanding, because they are the only ones who really know what it feels like.


At 1:57 PM, Blogger Rachel Inbar said...

I certainly know what you mean. After 13 years of infertility, amazingly, I'm now a mom of 5 kids (3 born by IVF). I feel like an infertility fraud, but the bottom line is - I did my time!

It may be easier to think you might never conceive your 2nd child, but the battle itself is the same.

At 3:47 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Rachel - I do believe that the day-to-day and month-to-month battle is the same.

5 kids! Wow, what a success story!!!


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