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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Infertility reflections

Now that we are pregnant, where do we stand? Are we still infertile? Are we recovering infertiles? Or should we just get on with life and forget all that nonsense?

We haven't told many people about the pregnancy yet, just the few close family and friends who knew we were having an IUI on a specific date, so I've had time to think up appropriate responses to the inevitable irritating comments that will arise:

"You see, I told you all you needed to do was relax and it would happen" - "Yes, thanks, I made sure to relax when the midwife was inserting the speculum into my cervix to inject my husband's washed sperm up to my drug-ripened follicle".

"I bet you're hoping for a girl this time" - "No, just a baby that doesn't die".

"Why did you wait so long before having Number 2?" - "Oh, what with miscarriage and infertility, we just couldn't find the time".


About 8 months ago our fertility doc suggested I think about seeing a counsellor. I thought about it (for a second) but couldn't see how it would make me pregnant, so dismissed it as quickly. You see, all along I knew that there was one thing and one thing only that could save me - a pregnancy. I know the ultimate goal is a baby, but I knew a pregnancy would be a good first step, and one that would lift me out of the darkness, at least temporarily. I was right. No matter what happens now, I have been happy for the last 6 weeks and I am thankful for that.

While I knew that pregnancy was the only way out, I never expected it to be a quick fix. I expected that it would help me get on with my life, but I wasn't under any illusion that life would go back to normal. I will carry the pain of infertility with me forever, but that is partly because I choose to - I know so many things that I didn't know before, I have made so many wonderful friends that make my life better and better, and I hope that I am a better, more considerate person for what I have been through. I mentioned a while back that in some ways I'm not sorry that we had to go through this (and will probably have to again) - those are the reasons.

A few days ago I heard a song that I listened to a lot at the start of the year - "Mardy Bum" by the Arctic Monkeys. It used to make me happy when very little else could. When I heard the start of it recently, I smiled as it brought me back. But as the song progressed I was hit with all the emotions from that time - the pain, the despair, the longing, the bitterness. Music doesn't let you forget. However, through my tears I realised that most of those emotions are gone now, only the surface ones - annoyance, irritation, resentment - remain. They are part of who I am anyway - if I wasn't an angry young woman, I'd be someone else!

So to answer the original questions - yes, we are still infertile, yes we are recovering, yes we are getting on with our lives, but why would we want to forget?


At 7:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


so glad to hear that things are going well. I decided not to chart this cycle but no luck - AF arrived 2 days ago. Really light and spotty so dont know what to think. I look back at your blog and find myself going through many of the same emotions that you were in your first few cycles. I have been very busy (and stressed out) though as the kids have been sick with various bugs so running around hospital etc. They are better now.

Had a question for you on temps - your post O temps seem low (mine are too) so just wanted to ask - what were your pre O temps and what was your coverline? Also were your pre and post O temps constant across cycles? I am beginning to think that my cycles and BBT are erratic because of PCOS. Plan to use OPKs this cycle.

Enough about me - have you started feeling any symptoms yet? And the video of DS was adooooooooooraaaaaaablllllllllllleee! When is the next scan due?


At 4:49 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

NYC - here's a link to my charts -
Only my last two charts are showing up, don't know why. Temps, O date and LP was fairly constant - always had a short LP, 7-10 days.

Next scan tomorrow! Been pretty nauseous and tired for the last few days so hoping things are still going well.

At 8:45 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

Hi Feebee,
I am glad you are feeling those reassuring symptoms. I am continuing to follow your progress & am thrilled that you are making your way through the first trimester. I am a bit off at the moment and feeling quite sad as I take in my situation. Hormones are crashing as well...so if I am a bit
scarce for awhile know that I am thinking of you & wishing you & your baby well,

At 3:10 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Ah Lisa, thanks so much for taking the time to think of me at the moment. Have been thinking of you too and hoping you are ok. It's so heartbreaking that you have to go through this again, I was so hopeful for both of us and it just seemed perfect that we were due within days of each other. Hope your beautiful kids and your hubby are looking after you and look forward to chatting again as soon as you feel ready.


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