Infertility reflectionsNow that we are pregnant, where do we stand? Are we still infertile? Are we recovering infertiles? Or should we just get on with life and forget all that nonsense?
We haven't told many people about the pregnancy yet, just the few close family and friends who knew we were having an IUI on a specific date, so I've had time to think up appropriate responses to the inevitable irritating comments that will arise:
"You see, I told you all you needed to do was relax and it would happen" - "Yes, thanks, I made sure to relax when the midwife was inserting the speculum into my cervix to inject my husband's washed sperm up to my drug-ripened follicle".
"I bet you're hoping for a girl this time" - "No, just a baby that doesn't die".
"Why did you wait so long before having Number 2?" - "Oh, what with miscarriage and infertility, we just couldn't find the time".
About 8 months ago our fertility doc suggested I think about seeing a counsellor. I thought about it (for a second) but couldn't see how it would make me pregnant, so dismissed it as quickly. You see, all along I knew that there was one thing and one thing only that could save me - a pregnancy. I know the ultimate goal is a baby, but I knew a pregnancy would be a good first step, and one that would lift me out of the darkness, at least temporarily. I was right. No matter what happens now, I have been happy for the last 6 weeks and I am thankful for that.
While I knew that pregnancy was the only way out, I never expected it to be a quick fix. I expected that it would help me get on with my life, but I wasn't under any illusion that life would go back to normal. I will carry the pain of infertility with me forever, but that is partly because I choose to - I know so many things that I didn't know before, I have made so many wonderful friends that make my life better and better, and I hope that I am a better, more considerate person for what I have been through. I mentioned a while back that in some ways I'm not sorry that we had to go through this (and will probably have to again) - those are the reasons.
A few days ago I heard a song that I listened to a lot at the start of the year - "Mardy Bum" by the Arctic Monkeys. It used to make me happy when very little else could. When I heard the start of it recently, I smiled as it brought me back. But as the song progressed I was hit with all the emotions from that time - the pain, the despair, the longing, the bitterness. Music doesn't let you forget. However, through my tears I realised that most of those emotions are gone now, only the surface ones - annoyance, irritation, resentment - remain. They are part of who I am anyway - if I wasn't an angry young woman, I'd be someone else!
So to answer the original questions - yes, we are still infertile, yes we are recovering, yes we are getting on with our lives, but why would we want to forget?