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Saturday, September 23, 2006

Can't you just say sorry?

Please, please, please, please, please don't tell me about your friend's cousin's aunt who had seven miscarriages and went on to have a child. In five miscarriages' time I will be too old and too skint to have a baby. I will also be hanging from a rope, not really conducive to a successful pregnancy. All your words tell me is that you haven't really been listening, or you haven't got a clue what I've been talking about, so you offer that little nugget of information in the hope that it will "cheer me up". It doesn't, it just depresses me further. And anyway, I want lots of babies - can you calculate my miscarriage per live birth expectancy and give me the final tally?

My peace has been disturbed by one solitary email.

Update: This post is in no way directed at any of the wonderful people that read this blog and have kept me going over the past year. Any stories you have told me or advice you have given me about people in similar situations has been a source of comfort and has given me the strength to keep going. And if I did get a comment that made me feel uncomfortable, I would reply to it straight away. I love you all xxxxx


At 8:55 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

It is so true..the "magic words" if there are any are "I'm sorry"..so little to say but enough if only people would realize it.If there was one thing that people need to realize it is this..
You love a baby from the moment you conceive one.A baby is a new life, individual who we have hopes and dreams for.I was due at the end of March..I had in my mind already welcomed home the baby,
took comfort from the fact that this March 19th my mother's passing would be easier as I would have a new baby-maybe even be in labor that day. I had already imagined my children's reaction the first time they made him/her smile, and hoped that my youngest,Helena who seldom talks to those outside our family would open up as she would be a proud big sister.
Unfortunately miscarriage is an abstract loss in peoples minds. There is not a woman I have met who has had one who hasn't been
changed by it- or who hasn't said that they had no idea of it's impact before they went through it.

I had someone tell me upon my first miscarriage not to stop even if I had 3 like someone else they knew who had and of course went on
to have a baby-I still remember feeling appalled at the idea and
now have far surpassed 3. It has stuck in my mind like the comments of "God's will" & "did you do something wrong" that I heard from family members too close too mention.
I know that I too have been guilty of the pep talk at times when I should probably just offer sympathy. Most people mean well and want to help but have no idea of how raw a women's feelings are-and how we need to mourn our loss.

I hope that you are getting support somewhere. I am thinking of you often as I do know how hard it is for you now. I am O.K, fertile time is upon me and I find myself picking at my husband-I am actually petrified of trying but at this point not able to give up hope.

Take care Feebee,

At 7:13 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Lisa - I know exactly what you mean, we have our babies' lives mapped out from that first pink line. The thing I'm finding hardest to think about at the moment is another Christmas like last one - we might just go away somewhere, just the three of us. I think the biggest loser in all of this is James - he was so excited about the baby (he knows that all his friends have brothers and sisters and had decided that he was going to have a sister) and still keeps asking about it. Last week he made some space in his buggy and said "the baby can sit here". He also asked last weekend if my baby was sick - he must have overheard something.

I do have good support from friends, this blog entry probably makes things sound bleak, but in general people have been great. Hope you have good support too. How weird is it that we're going through the same things at the same time? Let's hope that when it finally works out, we get to do it together.

At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Amber said...

Feebee, hope you are doing ok today.


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