The impossible dreamIt's hard to explain how strong my desire for children has always been. By the age of about 10 I had it all worked out - 3 girls and 2 boys, this confirmed as fact by the needle and thread test. I made a pact with a similarly-minded friend in college - if neither of us ever met the right man, we would have babies (somehow) and live together and bring them up as a family. Every time I had a pregnancy scare I was secretly gutted when no 2nd line showed up.
I didn't meet DH until I was 30 and we didn't start going out until I was 31. He knew what he was letting himself in for - he remembers a pub conversation before we were together where I was spouting off about babies again; he thought to himself, "I'll give you babies". He was 28 when we started going out and joked that I couldn't hassle him until he was 30. Three months after that deadline I was pregnant with DS - it was our first attempt.
We thought it would be so easy after that. I was looking forward to trying again when DS turned one, but it was winter, we were getting married the following year, and we both wanted a summer wedding. I decided I could hold off until May at the latest (if we started trying in April we would have a baby by January for sure - a 2 year gap between children). In the run up to the wedding (a wonderful, special day) the thing I was most excited about was being pregnant again. In the months between December and May I started to become jealous of pregnancy announcements, as I felt it should have been my time. But my time would come very soon.
It did. No honeymoon baby for us, but only a 4 month wait. When I miscarried I thought, shit happens, just another couple of months to wait, a 2 and a half year gap isn't the end of the world. The rest is history, but where are we now?
During our period of infertility, there were times when I posted that I feared we may never have another child. I never really believed that and I still don't, although I know our odds have gone up. I am now 36 and looking at squeezing 3 or 4 children into the next 4 or 5 years. Can it be done? I am prepared to put my body through whatever it takes, I am prepared to let my career go down the toilet, and emotionally I know it's the only way I can keep going.
There is no way that our future does not contain more children, that is simply not an option for us.