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Saturday, September 16, 2006

The impossible dream

It's hard to explain how strong my desire for children has always been. By the age of about 10 I had it all worked out - 3 girls and 2 boys, this confirmed as fact by the needle and thread test. I made a pact with a similarly-minded friend in college - if neither of us ever met the right man, we would have babies (somehow) and live together and bring them up as a family. Every time I had a pregnancy scare I was secretly gutted when no 2nd line showed up.

I didn't meet DH until I was 30 and we didn't start going out until I was 31. He knew what he was letting himself in for - he remembers a pub conversation before we were together where I was spouting off about babies again; he thought to himself, "I'll give you babies". He was 28 when we started going out and joked that I couldn't hassle him until he was 30. Three months after that deadline I was pregnant with DS - it was our first attempt.

We thought it would be so easy after that. I was looking forward to trying again when DS turned one, but it was winter, we were getting married the following year, and we both wanted a summer wedding. I decided I could hold off until May at the latest (if we started trying in April we would have a baby by January for sure - a 2 year gap between children). In the run up to the wedding (a wonderful, special day) the thing I was most excited about was being pregnant again. In the months between December and May I started to become jealous of pregnancy announcements, as I felt it should have been my time. But my time would come very soon.

It did. No honeymoon baby for us, but only a 4 month wait. When I miscarried I thought, shit happens, just another couple of months to wait, a 2 and a half year gap isn't the end of the world. The rest is history, but where are we now?

During our period of infertility, there were times when I posted that I feared we may never have another child. I never really believed that and I still don't, although I know our odds have gone up. I am now 36 and looking at squeezing 3 or 4 children into the next 4 or 5 years. Can it be done? I am prepared to put my body through whatever it takes, I am prepared to let my career go down the toilet, and emotionally I know it's the only way I can keep going.

There is no way that our future does not contain more children, that is simply not an option for us.


At 3:42 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

Hey Feebee,
I believe that you will make your way and have more children. I wish it was an easier road but the rewards of enduring the pain & keeping on are great. I have accepted that for me my 5th may very well come from adoption and I certainly didn't expect so many miscarriages along the way but I don't regret anything that brought me my family.
I hope that physically you are feeling O.K. With a later loss the hormone crash can be really hard so
don't be alarmed.If you have a task or hobby/interest that absorbs you and can lose yourself for a time that helps too as does
a lot of exercise. I personally cut myself off from everyone & hid for a few weeks.A friend finally told my husband she wasn't leaving until she saw me.It took me that long to want to be with anyone other then my family.The grief really came in waves.Once I could let people in things were better.
I am glad you are determined- and I hope that you encounter some good luck-it doesn't seem like it should ALL be bad. I am back to "normal" & am having a new cycle. Finally don't look pregnant anymore. Just so you know a light cycle is entirely likely as your lining may not have built back up before your next period.
More hugs to you,

At 5:53 PM, Blogger Hoping said...

I believe you will too, I admire your courage and not giving up. It is just the thing to do.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Lisa - I am in hiding too. Everyone seems to think I'll want to talk, but I don't want to talk to anyone except DS and DH. Especially as most people have already proved that they don't really get what we've been through. Really, I think it would kill me if someone tried one of the usual m/c platitudes on me.

Are you ready to try again now? I seriously don't think I can wait for one cycle, although I know our chances of conceiving naturally are practically non-existent. I think the trying will keep my occupied, despite the fact that it will probably come to nothing.

Glad to hear you are starting to feel better, god knows you deserve a bit of relief after the year you've had. We both do.


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