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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

September 11th 2006

Our baby died last night. There was no heartbeat at a scan this morning. S/he measured 11w5d, there was some bleeding around the head and the placenta had become detached. The fact that the placenta had been attached means that we had actually reached that magic milestone, the "safe" stage.

I had some pains yesterday but put them down to stretching pains. Started bleeding at 6am, went for a scan at 9am. Was prepared but didn't really expect it. S/he looked so perfect, just sleeping, but I knew straight away. Have D&C tomorrow.

It's just one of those things, 1/1000 chance and nothing to do with our infertility. We've been told to wait for 2 cycles but I know that's not going to happen. Waiting for fertility clinic to call me back about next IUI, really hoping we can do it by November.

I always said I could handle another miscarriage and I can. (Although I don't feel comfortable calling it a miscarriage, the baby was waving to us less than a week ago.) I know how to handle it, I know only too well how to keep my head down and wait out the next month or so until we can start trying again. Same old same old. And I do appreciate the fact that we've been able to have a baby, even though it didn't last very long. I have been happier in the last few months than I had been since we started trying, so I know we've been lucky in a way.

I still have one more night with my baby, and even though its heart is not beating, it's still comforting to be together. It was one year to the day since our last baby died - September 11th 2005. Lucky I'm not superstitious.


At 4:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm crying for you here, this is the saddest thing I have read. I'm so so sorry for you, words cannot describe it.

At 4:57 PM, Blogger Hoping said...

So sorry, words cannot explain it. You are in my thoughts

At 6:58 PM, Blogger Sadie said...

feebee, my heart is broken for you.
all my love and thoughts..Sadie

At 7:00 PM, Anonymous Treelo said...

Oh my God I don't believe it. Oh Feebee honey, oh I am so sorry... There is nothing I can say. My heart is crying for you, after all you have been through, and now this...

At 7:34 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

Oh Feebee,
I am just so incredibly sorry that this has happened. I think sometimes we are numb at first in order to get through it & grief comes full on when the reality hits.I will be here to listen whenever you need it.Please feel free to e-mail me as well.The one thing that I think I know for sure is that every emotion during & after a miscarriage is normal-from disbelief,anger,sadness,emotional distance & a surreal feeling as you work on identifying yourself as a non-pregnant woman from a pregnant woman.Accept your emotions as they come-even if ones you expect to come never do.
Love to you & your family,

At 4:00 AM, Blogger PortLairge said...

Feebee, I am so, so sorry. More sorry than I can express with words.

At 5:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee honey

I am crying as I write this. This was one that I was so sure would be a happy ending. Feel free to vent, we are all here for you. Dont want to say anything more - I am just so sorry.


At 10:09 AM, Anonymous Sky said...

I am so sorry. I have been following your pregnancy and mentally cheering you on. Yes, after having had a miscarriage(s) there is a 'been there, done that, know the drill' feeling, but do take all the time you need and look after yourself.

At 4:01 PM, Blogger Becki said...

oh my. I'm so sorry! Seems like there is too much bad stuff going on right now.

At 4:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, just wish there was something I could say of some comfort, but there is nothing.. I'm just so sorry for you, your hubby, and your son. Take care, Ex

At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Caroline (3littlemen) said...

Have been following your progress and I am so so sorry for what has happend to you and your husband. This is absolutely heartbreaking for you both. Really don't know what to say but just know I am thinking of you.


At 10:12 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Thank you all, it means so much.


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