Small merciesIf I was having a hormone crash yesterday, no-one told my pee. I'm as pregnant as can be, test line as dark as the control line. Will somebody tell my body I'm not pregnant any more so we can get on with the business of ovulation and all that?
So I admit it, unless someone takes me outside and shakes some sense into me, we will be trying again asap. It will be no less than a miracle if we conceive straight away, but it won't be the end of the world if we don't, as our reward will be IUI twins the following cycle.
I don't know why (hormonal rollercoaster?), but I'm feeling more positive today. More positive than at any time this year, apart from when I was pregnant. The outlook is not bleak. We have found a "cure" for our infertility; it worked once and we hope that it will work again. The chances of having a 2007 baby are good, despite the increased likelyhood of recurrent miscarriage. And I will do anything to have a baby, so I'm not afraid of the risks.
When I think of all my buddies still trying month after month with no end in sight, I know that I am lucky. Ok, I don't actually have a baby, but I have great hope that I will be pregnant again soon, and that hope will get me up in the mornings - something that can be a daily struggle for those dealing with infertility.
Probably also the result of some hormonal opiate derivative rushing through my body in the wrong place at the wrong time, I no longer have "the fear". You know, every infertile's worst nightmare - other people's pregnancies and babies. The one thing that was guaranteed to turn me into a ranting, raving, wailing banshee now has little more effect than making me feel sad. No doubt it's just a temporary reprieve, but at the moment I just feel like this is our lot in life now, and other people's lives are separate.
It helps that a miscarriage is more real to people than infertility. Before we were just a couple who were having a few problems conceiving, nothing that a good holiday and a bit of relaxing couldn't fix, right? Now we are the couple who had to go through fertility treatment, only to have their second baby die.
We bury our baby tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing the coffin and holding our baby in my arms, something I haven't been able to do yet. I am grateful for small mercies, and this is one of them.