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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Small mercies

If I was having a hormone crash yesterday, no-one told my pee. I'm as pregnant as can be, test line as dark as the control line. Will somebody tell my body I'm not pregnant any more so we can get on with the business of ovulation and all that?

So I admit it, unless someone takes me outside and shakes some sense into me, we will be trying again asap. It will be no less than a miracle if we conceive straight away, but it won't be the end of the world if we don't, as our reward will be IUI twins the following cycle.

I don't know why (hormonal rollercoaster?), but I'm feeling more positive today. More positive than at any time this year, apart from when I was pregnant. The outlook is not bleak. We have found a "cure" for our infertility; it worked once and we hope that it will work again. The chances of having a 2007 baby are good, despite the increased likelyhood of recurrent miscarriage. And I will do anything to have a baby, so I'm not afraid of the risks.

When I think of all my buddies still trying month after month with no end in sight, I know that I am lucky. Ok, I don't actually have a baby, but I have great hope that I will be pregnant again soon, and that hope will get me up in the mornings - something that can be a daily struggle for those dealing with infertility.

Probably also the result of some hormonal opiate derivative rushing through my body in the wrong place at the wrong time, I no longer have "the fear". You know, every infertile's worst nightmare - other people's pregnancies and babies. The one thing that was guaranteed to turn me into a ranting, raving, wailing banshee now has little more effect than making me feel sad. No doubt it's just a temporary reprieve, but at the moment I just feel like this is our lot in life now, and other people's lives are separate.

It helps that a miscarriage is more real to people than infertility. Before we were just a couple who were having a few problems conceiving, nothing that a good holiday and a bit of relaxing couldn't fix, right? Now we are the couple who had to go through fertility treatment, only to have their second baby die.

We bury our baby tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing the coffin and holding our baby in my arms, something I haven't been able to do yet. I am grateful for small mercies, and this is one of them.


At 10:03 PM, Blogger Becki said...

oh, I'll be thinking about ya tomorrow and I think its great that you can already feel some hope.

At 12:44 AM, Blogger Sadie said...

hi feebee, will be thinking about you tomorrow (actually today now). I dont think i will ever understand your pain as you have been through so much but I do have a friend who after her second miscarriage was quite like you. She was very clear in that they had made their decision to have kids and that she was prepared to do what ever it took for them to achieve this. I know you will take heart from her story as she is the mother of 2 beautiful twin girls now. thinking of you. N

PS: no doubt in my mind that you will get there!

At 5:47 AM, Anonymous lisau said...

Hey Feebee,
I am glad you are feeling more hopeful today. As far as the hormone thing goes..you were up about as high as the pregnancy hormones go (they peak at 11-12 weeks) so a positive test certainly
doesn't mean you were not crashing.
It takes awhile to get to zero. As far as getting pregnant again early,I think from everything I have heard it's a lining issue-whether or not yours will have rebuilt itself. Doctors don't like it because it can make it hard to date a new pregnancy...
Can you request a follow up ultrasound to check things out & ask them to check the lining?

I wish you healing from your ceremony tomorrow.Your baby's life is well worth honoring,
take care,

At 1:30 PM, Anonymous Amber said...

I think it is great that you can have a ceremony, it makes it more real and and more acknowledged that a life existed, even if it was for such a short time.
I think you are wonderful to be able to think about next time, that will get you through, knowing that you can get pregnant and trusting your body, with a little help from medical profession to produce a baby for you.
2007 will be your year......hold onto the thought that it will be.
I hope your ceremony is beautiful and that you can lay your little one to rest and move forwards.
Take care, thinking of you, you are an inspiration.

At 4:12 PM, Anonymous Matts Mum said...

Feebee you are so brave and strong and and inspiration to us all.

Take care,

Matts Mum.

At 10:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope you got strength from todays burial Feebee.

Thinking of you

At 1:51 AM, Anonymous lisau said...

Huge hugs to you Feebee..
I have been thinking of you,your baby & family today,

At 10:26 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

Hi Feebee,
I hope that you are doing O.K,
this part is so hard..I am continuing to think of you & I wish you healing.

At 11:45 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Thanks so much everyone. Lisa - you are so good to keep in touch so often, it's nice to hear from you and I really appreciate. Hope you are ok too.

At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I am full of admiration for you. You are being so brave it is incredible.



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