Cracked but not brokenWe are hanging on by a thread. DH broke down last night, he doesn't want to do this any more. But he will carry on, as he knows it's the only thing that will make me happy. I am postponing his happiness for the sake of my own. I hope he thanks me for it some day.
It's hard to find the words to describe what infertility does to a couple. How do you explain it to your friends? I talk about the monthly disappointment, the tears, the bitterness, the constant longing for a child. But that still doesn't conjur up the image of a grown man and woman shouting at each other, sobbing in each others' arms, hour after hour, night after night. Infertility is not just about the inability to have a child. It is about the pain of relationship strain and even breakdown, the loss of close family and best friends to ignorance and jealousy, the loss of a hard-earned career, or at least the end of motivation for it, the constant financial pressure, and the terrible guilt that the one beautiful child you have is the real loser in all of this.
Only two cycles into our current struggle and already we are breaking. I know we will patch up the cracks and carry on as normal, it's the only way we know. It's impossible to take "time out" - what exactly does that mean? Using contraceptives so that there's no point in getting your hopes up? Wouldn't you still, just a little bit? And we did have some wonderful time out - happy as Larry we were, just a week ago.
Will go off now and count my blessings (one, two) for the zillionth time and psych myself up for the big O this weekend.