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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Cracked but not broken

We are hanging on by a thread. DH broke down last night, he doesn't want to do this any more. But he will carry on, as he knows it's the only thing that will make me happy. I am postponing his happiness for the sake of my own. I hope he thanks me for it some day.

It's hard to find the words to describe what infertility does to a couple. How do you explain it to your friends? I talk about the monthly disappointment, the tears, the bitterness, the constant longing for a child. But that still doesn't conjur up the image of a grown man and woman shouting at each other, sobbing in each others' arms, hour after hour, night after night. Infertility is not just about the inability to have a child. It is about the pain of relationship strain and even breakdown, the loss of close family and best friends to ignorance and jealousy, the loss of a hard-earned career, or at least the end of motivation for it, the constant financial pressure, and the terrible guilt that the one beautiful child you have is the real loser in all of this.

Only two cycles into our current struggle and already we are breaking. I know we will patch up the cracks and carry on as normal, it's the only way we know. It's impossible to take "time out" - what exactly does that mean? Using contraceptives so that there's no point in getting your hopes up? Wouldn't you still, just a little bit? And we did have some wonderful time out - happy as Larry we were, just a week ago.

Will go off now and count my blessings (one, two) for the zillionth time and psych myself up for the big O this weekend.


At 2:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Feebee,
it sounds to me as if your dh is an evolved man: to be able to express himself so precisely, and yet be prepared to carry on bearing this load with you.

Just sorry you have to keep on keeping on..
But hope you find the strength from somewhere to do that very thing

At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Amber said...

Men tend to be very practical by nature and it probabaly kills him that he cannot do something to fix this for you.

At 9:53 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

I am continuing to hope for you, that your struggle does not go on for an extended time & that you are blessed soon.No matter what your son is not a loser, he is much adored by his parents & you can see in his face how happy he is. If you could see the relationship between my children who are NOT close in age you would know that although it is different than you had hoped for-it is no less special.
It is hard, the monthly struggle-
and impossible not to get hopes up-the timeout idea is one that works for some but never has for me.
Take care, Feebee- positive OPK for me.."Sweetest Day" in America (really a Valentine's day wannabe put out by florists and greeting card makers) but I did get some lovely flowers so I will not argue!

Wishing you luck-Lisa


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