Better to have loved and lostMost people think that the worst thing we've been through was having to bury a baby. When I'm being pounded with platitudes, I drop that snippet of info into the mix to make the assvice stop. It works. Whether people think I'm crazy with grief or have simply earned a bit more sympathy, I don't know or care.
What they don't realise is that burying our baby was the BEST thing that has happened to us since our TTC journey began. We have a grave to visit, a tangible reminder of our much-loved little one, and so much more than we got last time. We have the two names on the headstone, so it's thanks to this baby that they both have a home. I feel validated as a mother, I'm not just a woman crying over spilt blood, a "few cells" that were flushed down the toilet. No, after all this time I have had a baby that was real enough to merit a normal, dignified resting place, and I am so thankful for that.
It has also given me an outlet for my grief. The grief of infertility. The grief that no fertile will ever understand. I'm now that poor woman who lost two babies, instead of that eejit who just couldn't relax for long enough to conceive. Of course I want to shout about how the pain of miscarriage is a tiny fraction of the pain that infertiles suffer every minute of every day, but whatever, I'll take my breaks where I can.
IUI meds start tomorrow. A cocktail this time. Tamoxifen tomorrow, Gonal F on Wed and then Orgalutran next week. I will settle for no less than twins. And no more.