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Monday, November 06, 2006

Better to have loved and lost

Most people think that the worst thing we've been through was having to bury a baby. When I'm being pounded with platitudes, I drop that snippet of info into the mix to make the assvice stop. It works. Whether people think I'm crazy with grief or have simply earned a bit more sympathy, I don't know or care.

What they don't realise is that burying our baby was the BEST thing that has happened to us since our TTC journey began. We have a grave to visit, a tangible reminder of our much-loved little one, and so much more than we got last time. We have the two names on the headstone, so it's thanks to this baby that they both have a home. I feel validated as a mother, I'm not just a woman crying over spilt blood, a "few cells" that were flushed down the toilet. No, after all this time I have had a baby that was real enough to merit a normal, dignified resting place, and I am so thankful for that.

It has also given me an outlet for my grief. The grief of infertility. The grief that no fertile will ever understand. I'm now that poor woman who lost two babies, instead of that eejit who just couldn't relax for long enough to conceive. Of course I want to shout about how the pain of miscarriage is a tiny fraction of the pain that infertiles suffer every minute of every day, but whatever, I'll take my breaks where I can.

IUI meds start tomorrow. A cocktail this time. Tamoxifen tomorrow, Gonal F on Wed and then Orgalutran next week. I will settle for no less than twins. And no more.


At 11:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I can understand how you feel, loosing the baby is something very difficult to deal with for anyone so everyone gets that.
It is the idea that you have in your mind of how your family would be and not being able to ahieve that which is a less tangible pain and not something people can easily grasp.
If you saw yourself as a mum of five steps of ths stairs as people say, then of course you are grieving for the fact that it hasn't panned out as you hoped.
We Irish love to "count our blessings" and are often afraid to admit we are less than happy with our lot.
Thank God for people like you who can actually come out and demonstatre the real pain you feel without having to sugar coat it so as not to sound ungrateful.

I really pray you will be sucessful this time, find your honesty so refreshing after years of platitudes and listening to God's will crap.

At 6:20 PM, Blogger Rachel Inbar said...

I lost a pregnancy at 13 weeks, at home. Fortunately, I only found out when the ultrasound at the hospital showed nothing. I had had heavy bleeding, so I knew it wasn't good, but I was still shocked.

Reading your post about the burial being the best thing that happened touched me - what I felt saddest about was that I wasn't able to care for the baby until his/her very last minute... So I held a burial ceremony in my mind, down to the last detail, and I found it very therapeutic.

Congrats on starting a new cycle. Good luck!

At 5:54 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

Hugs going out to you.
It is a matter of perspective isn't it? I am so glad you have a resting place for your baby-it is something that I wish I had,I read such comforting stories about natural miscarraige and the following ceremony with an intact
placenta & baby to bury.That was not my experience at all and it does stay with me-
I hope that this new cycle and treatments work for you and that the meds treat you kindly. I will be thinking about you.
I know it is the ultimate in superstition and corniness but I have been lighting candles at www.gratefulness.org for the both of us.One way or another you will get there.

At 12:48 AM, Blogger Feebee said...

Thank you anon. Do you mind me asking where you are in your journey?

Rachel - what a shock that must have been. I lost my last baby at home too, by the time I was scanned a day and a half later, there was nothing left (I was only 5w4d). I never even thought then to have a ceremony of any sort.

Lisa - thank you so much for the candle! I just went and lit one for both of us too! Bound to work.

At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am at the end of the journey.

At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Amber said...

My boss lost his three year old during the summer.
She was deprived of oxygen at birth and she was severely brain damaged and needed 24 hour care.
His life is so lost without her.
He loved her so much.
He bares the pain daily of people teeling him isn't he better off, and it was all for the best etc.
I have just had to tell him I am PG and sen the tears in his eyes all over again while he genuinely and whole heartedly congratulated me.

For all the pain and grief he would agree 100% with your sentiments.....she enriched his life in so many ways.

Sorry if that makes no sense but it just made me think when I saw your post and relised the assumptions we all make about other poeopl's lives every day.

Take care....

At 6:14 PM, Anonymous Gilly said...

Feebee... I found this incredibly moving. You really have such a way with words.

The idea of a grave to visit is lovely and I hope it brings comfort to you.

Best of luck with the meds..

At 7:54 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Anon - I am so sorry to hear that.

Amber - I'm so sorry for your boss. How anyone can say it was for the best, I cannot understand.

Thanks Gilly, nice to see you here.

At 4:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Feebee,

Really enjoy your style.. Will the book be out for christmas? LOL

Good luck, fingers sooo crossed for you

Gilly xx


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