Hard habit to breakHa ha ha ha ha - I'm googling 2ww symptoms (why, why? somebody stop me) and I come across my own 2ww symptoms. Verdict: not pregnant.
Will that stop me doing a HPT when I get home? No. Will it make me think before taking my temp several times this evening? No.
I am an institutionalised infertile. Some people have a glass of wine to relax, others enjoy sex (oh, the innocence), or simply sitting in front of the telly with their feet up. I prefer to relax with a thermometer in my mouth, a pee stick drying on my desk, and a keyboard under my fingers. Sadly, that's no longer a piano keyboard. DH thinks I'm addicted to the Internet. I am not addicted to the vast world of interconnected lives and literature at my disposal; all I ask is that I have 24-hour access to my charting software and my support boards. And of course, Dr Google.
Does all this TTC paraphernalia help me get through the day? Yes. Does it distract me from other tasks that may help me get through the day? Yes. The deeper I get into this secret, painful world of infertility and miscarriage (and I fear that its depths know no bounds), the more I wonder if I would have coped better had I never been introduced to the support and information I've found online. I'm not one to sit around waiting for a miracle, so one way or another I would have found my way to fertility treatment, but could I have been spared the need to devote my life to it?
The answer is probably no, such is my desire for a whole brood of babies, along with my dogged determination to achieve something I've set my heart on. But I know deep down that I have paid a price for the ease at which I can conduct my obsession online. Career ambitions have gone unfulfilled, and my beautiful little son has been sidelined at times. I sit here before you right now, writing a self-pitying post, when I could be writing a paper, or taking my son to the park.
I could promise that this admission will force me to turn over a new leaf, count my blessings and be grateful for what I have. But AF is surely beating a path to my door, and she is not one to let good intentions stand in her way. And 20 months of habit is hard to break.