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Thursday, November 02, 2006

Hard habit to break

Ha ha ha ha ha - I'm googling 2ww symptoms (why, why? somebody stop me) and I come across my own 2ww symptoms. Verdict: not pregnant.

Will that stop me doing a HPT when I get home? No. Will it make me think before taking my temp several times this evening? No.

I am an institutionalised infertile. Some people have a glass of wine to relax, others enjoy sex (oh, the innocence), or simply sitting in front of the telly with their feet up. I prefer to relax with a thermometer in my mouth, a pee stick drying on my desk, and a keyboard under my fingers. Sadly, that's no longer a piano keyboard. DH thinks I'm addicted to the Internet. I am not addicted to the vast world of interconnected lives and literature at my disposal; all I ask is that I have 24-hour access to my charting software and my support boards. And of course, Dr Google.

Does all this TTC paraphernalia help me get through the day? Yes. Does it distract me from other tasks that may help me get through the day? Yes. The deeper I get into this secret, painful world of infertility and miscarriage (and I fear that its depths know no bounds), the more I wonder if I would have coped better had I never been introduced to the support and information I've found online. I'm not one to sit around waiting for a miracle, so one way or another I would have found my way to fertility treatment, but could I have been spared the need to devote my life to it?

The answer is probably no, such is my desire for a whole brood of babies, along with my dogged determination to achieve something I've set my heart on. But I know deep down that I have paid a price for the ease at which I can conduct my obsession online. Career ambitions have gone unfulfilled, and my beautiful little son has been sidelined at times. I sit here before you right now, writing a self-pitying post, when I could be writing a paper, or taking my son to the park.

I could promise that this admission will force me to turn over a new leaf, count my blessings and be grateful for what I have. But AF is surely beating a path to my door, and she is not one to let good intentions stand in her way. And 20 months of habit is hard to break.


At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Certainly I feel too much knowledge can get in the way of your freedom to carry on with life.
I mean before we started TTC I was completely clueless as to how my body functioned.
I mena it is a wonder I ever managed to get through college and get a failry decent job while being so ignorant of the basic makeup of a major part of my anatomy.
Sometimes I would love to go back to that place where I thought you know what I would like to have a baby in the summer so lets try, and I use the term try very loosely in Septemberish.
Innocent as the day is long.

When I hear people berrating teachers for planning their maternity leave to coincide with maximising their time off I wonder my God did these people just go to a supermarket and choose their child, or order them online and chose a delivery date.

Innocence lost is irreplacable though.....

As Yeats says "we have tested and tasted too much lover, though a chink too wide there comes no wonder"
You are there in the midst of knowledge that you could as easily remove from your mind as you could your child's name.

Knowledge has made you stong but it has also made you vulnerable.

I am not as stong as you, no way, I rely on other women's outporings to give me some sense of direction...

At 10:40 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

Hey Feebee,
It is so hard once you have found this world of obsession to give it up. It becomes forever linked to conceiving.I had my first 2 children beforever ever going online,after having 2 miscarriages before conceiving Lily I went on to research miscarriage...clicked on something that led me to a parenting site, a message board and alternative universe!
In my day to day life there are not many friends who understand my post 40 post 4 children desire to have another. If I want that, there is only one place to find it. While in my 30's it was the understanding of what it was like to have miscarried 4 out of 6 pergnancies that I sought. A club that noone wants to belong to but still-everyone wants empathy.

So...just like the person with the rare disease seeks others like him we look for something to help us.

Funny though, I am doing it less and less..I am losing track of my cycle, not testing, perhaps giving up...

I wanted to tell you that Max was home from school the other day-he has a propensity for UTI's which lead to kidney infections-he had a very scary bout a couple of years ago and was hospitalized. Anyway, recently he has been having some UTI symptoms so I kept him home to keep him drinking, he was feeling fine so he and Helena spent the day playing.The two of them made up a list of what they would do and spent hours together.This is not uncommon for them. Max cried when Helena turned two because
"She is not a baby anymore". Max is 10,a full 5 1/2 years older than Helena. He has adored her since the day she was born. I know I have mentioned this before so forgive me- I don't mean to be obnoxious- but if you could have seen them you would know as I do- that your children will be close if you foster closeness between them.When I do have my last child whether by luck of birth or by adoption I do not worry at all that I will have a large age gap.

Anyway..I have as usual babbled too long-I am hoping for you. No pregnancy for me-just a short cycle and a HUGE AF. I am cycle day 2.Speaking of TTC matters..I am going to try the Instead Cup.. a woman on the over 40's board at FF seems to have great success with it..
take care,

At 2:20 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Anon - that was a lovely post, thank you. I do not think I am strong, not any more. I am being held up by the few crutches I have left. I can't work, I can't socialise. All I can do is write blog posts about how crap I feel! But if it helps someone else then I suppose it is more worthwhile than a day's work.

Lisa - I am sure James will be a fab older brother however long it takes and whatever we have to do to have a child. DH has finally agreed to adoption so we will go ahead with that. Of course we'll keep trying in the meantime but we can't live like this forever.

No pregnancy for me either. And no AF, just a lot of spotting. I turn 37 on Wed, just hope she arrives by then!

At 4:51 PM, Anonymous Amber said...

Feebee I have the best relationship with my little brother, 7 years my junior.

My little sister very close to me in age is light years away from me in terms of a relationship.

Great your DH has decided to go ahead with the adoption process.

Hope you have a nice birthday.

Take care

At 5:11 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Amber - congratulations! Just noticed your ticker on MM - you should have told me. I had guessed though, as you avoided a question I asked you a few weeks ago. Best of luck!


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