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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Paris Hilton Sex Tape

I think it's time to pay tribute to the marvellous work done by the good people at Google and MSN Search and all the other wonderful search engines that have gone to the trouble of indexing this blog. How else would people with no interest whatsoever in TTC get to read about me and my cervical mucus?

I hope yesterday's searcher for "dpo hard fuck" found what he was looking for. I fear the same can't be said for whoever was looking for "pregnant bitches" - sorry love, but this is the last place you can expect to find nasty, hormonal, pregnant ladies.

By far the most common search term that brings people to these pages is....... "castle pics". I did post a picture of Kilkea Castle after a weekend away a while back, so hope you like it! I'm just starting to see the fallout from my Nine post - "nine songs", "revolution nine". I'd sure be interested to see what Sci-Fi fans think of all this TTC nonsense - anyone?

And then of course there are the DPOs, Clomids, HPTs, two week waits, TTC symptoms searches. I'm afraid I probably can't help you much either. I've had all the symptoms at one time or another and I'm still waiting for that elusive BFP - probably not what you want to hear. When it does happen (it will happen) I will post intricate details of every bit of CM, every bowel movement, every twinge, ache, pain, smell, taste, sound, emotion, and I will be the happiest pregnant bitch around.

Monday, February 27, 2006

It's Day 12 in the Big Brother house...

...and the housemates are getting restless. Some of them have been treading water for over a week now and there's still no sign of the Big O. The housemates seem to be under the impression that, because the Big O arrived on Day 9 last time, that the same will happen this time. But, as usual, Big Brother has decided to have a little fun with the housemates, and has hidden the EWCM, the O pains and the +OPKs in the diary room! Will the housemates find the clues before it's too late, or is it curtains for the Big O?

Friday, February 24, 2006

Nine

Nine planets. Cloud nine. Nine lives. Deep space nine. Nine yards. Nine eleven. Ninety nine red balloons. Nine inch nails. Plan nine from outer space. Nine o'clock news. Ice nine. The nine stones. Alien nine. Nine dragons. Thirty nine steps. Nine days. Riot in cell block nine. Nine black alps. Revolution nine. Nine years war. The nine situations. Nine worthies. Stroke nine. Nine million bicycles. Nine songs. Nine queens. Love potion nine. Myth of the nines. Nineteen ninety nine. Farenheit nine eleven. Nine West. Nine purity. Curse of the ninth. Nine mile. Nine months. NINE (National Infertility Network Exchange).

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Cee Dee Se7en

Gluttony - ate 3 (three!) choc biccies with my coffee this morning.

Lust - it's that time of the month again!

Envy - pregnant bitches everywhere, and ne'er a thought for me.

Greed - what's wrong with wanting it all???

Sloth - slacking at my desk as usual.

Wrath - WWWHHHHYYYYY MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE???????

Pride - wish I still had some.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

State of flux

I changed into something a bit more comfortable. I hope you like it. I've been meaning to give myself a makeover for quite a while now, but, you know, it's just one (shit) thing after another these days.

I can't believe it took me so long. I work in design, just not so familiar with blog templates and style sheets, so bear with me. I hope this is the start of a learning curve, a state of flux, a new wave.

This blog was never meant to last. It began as a documentation of the two week wait - the amount of time from post-miscarriage ovulation to thank fuck I'm pregnant again, I don't know how I'd survive otherwise.

Well, six and a bit cycles have come and gone since then, and I think I've unwittingly created a chronological narrative of the slow descent into infertility. I can hardly remember being jovial and forgiving for the duration of this blog, but a quick peek back to October 2005 can confirm these emotions. So, look and see, I wasn't always a bitter aul bollix!

So where do we go from here? Is it down to the lake I fear? Well, I'll do a bit of DIY, see how it goes. I'll need a new name too - never reckoned on this being an infertility blog, so never thought of a clever name. Will have a think and let you know.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Onwards and upwards

Spurred on by yesterday's post (which I wanted to delete, but hey, I can't airbrush my life), I have decided to take back control of my life. I have approached three very talented friends with a business proposal and everyone is interested. We will certainly talk about it and hopefully it will become a viable venture. Currently, we all work separately in different areas of the arts, and my proposal will bring us all together to create more than the sum of the parts. I'll keep you posted.

Today is CD1, a new start and a new attitude. I probably won't become pregnant this month, but hopefully I will have something new to look forward to as time marches on.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

A far cry

Does anyone else cry all the time or is it just me? I cry most of the time I'm on my own and in a safe place. I cry every morning in the shower, for example. I range from quiet sobbing to violent wailing, depending on cycle day. Although I have become accustomed to my tears, I am growing tired of them, as they no longer signify a discrete period of emotional stress. I am bored of crying. I wish I had another safety valve I could access instead. I am not interested in destroying objects, or in hurting others or myself. I know I should take up yoga, but it's not an immediate hit. I need something I can do instantly, without leaving DS on his own for long, every time I hear hopelessness at the door. I'm not big into chocolate and I don't smoke. Any ideas?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Top 5 days to discover I'm not pregnant:

1. Christmas day (25/12/05)

2. Valentine's day (14/02/06)

3. Last day of honeymoon (24/05/05)

4. September 11th (m/c)

5. Bastille day (14/07/05)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Another forced day of celebration, another failed cycle. I was going to hold off on writing a woe-is-me post in the hope that I'd feel better tomorrow, but fuck it, it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

So can I join your gang now? Over 35, more than 6 cycles TTC since m/c = infertile! Apologies to the 20-somethings and early 30-somethings who had to endure a year of bitter disappointment before getting to wear the badge. Maybe there should be a sliding scale. As I'm only 36 I suppose I should have to wait until 10 or 11 months. If I include the pre-m/c TTC then we're on our 11th cycle - will that do?

I tried it out on a close friend at the weekend. But you can't be infertile, you have DS! I tried to explain about everything. She could understand how I could be desperate for a child if I didn't already have one, but why on earth would I put myself through such stress to have another one? She doesn't have children, but I'm sure she will one day and maybe then she'll remember the conversation and see it differently.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

In sickness and in health

Before you decided to make a long-term commitment to your partner, maybe long before, you probably spoke about children - how many you wanted, or if you wanted any at all. How many of you spoke about the possibility of one or both of you being infertile, and how you would deal with it? We did speak about it before we made our long-term commitment (the purchase of our house), but only to the extent that I was 31 and DH was 28 and we'd better get going in the next couple of years just in case we had problems (my feelings, not his). We never spoke about what would happen if problems were identified.

Which is why we now find ourselves in a stalemate on the subject of adoption. You may think I am getting ahead of myself, but adoption in Ireland takes up to 5 years, whether it is domestic or intercountry adoption. I like to plan ahead, whereas DH tends to take things as they come. I think I would like to adopt a child in the next 5-6 years, regardless of whether or not we have another one of our own. DH has no interest in doing this now, but will think about it in the future. I think we should apply and see how we feel about it over the 5 years it will take. DH does not want to apply at all until he is committed to the idea. Stalemate.

It's a pretty emotive subject to be debating, especially with Valentine's Day just around the corner. As I'm fairly stubborn and impatient, I'm slightly concerned that I may not let this one lie.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Top 5 message board untruths:

1. Until AF arrives, there is always hope - FALSE!
If you are 20dpo, have no pregnancy symptoms and have had a series of negative HPTs, then you are NOT pregnant.

2. Early response HPTs will detect pregnancy 4 days before period is due - FALSE!
They may detect pregnancy at 10dpo, although 12dpo is probably more realistic. If your LP is usually 10 days, they will not detect pregnancy at 6dpo.

3. Spotting in the LP is probably implantation bleeding - FALSE!
It is most likely the start of your period and if you look carefully you will see that you are past 12dpo and therefore past the implantation stage.

4. Spreading "babydust" will help others become pregnant - FALSE!
There is no such thing as babydust.

5. It will happen for you sometime soon.
It may never happen for you.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Countdown to IF - only 10 days to go?

Which makes me 3dpo. I think. I always used to marvel at those on message boards, who, seeming to have read the same amount of info as me, could never quite work out when they were supposed to have EWCM, what exactly a +OPK meant, and once all this was explained, when they should "BD" (let's just call a shag a shag, ain't much ritual dancing going on in our bedroom). Well blow me down with a boa feather and dust me with custard........I'm not sure what's going on with my cycle this month.

Got a surprise +OPK on Fri. Let me backtrack - had surprise EWCM on Tues and Wed, surprising in that it was so early (was still spotting from AF) and also because I don't usually get stringy, stretchy CM. Didn't think too much of it and only started temping and OPKing on Thurs. On Fri got +++OPK and, as usual, had to beat some life into a drunken DH, but we got there in the end. Had a temp rise on Sat, but as we had been out drinking, I can't say for sure what caused the temp rise. Temps have stayed up slightly since then, but not near as high as usual (but not on progesterone any more so that could be it). Didn't get my usual O cramps on Sat (slight discomfort but not really localised), but not on Clomid any more so not expecting strong cramps. Fertility Friend wouldn't give me an O date as I didn't have enough pre-O temps, so entered a couple of fake ones, and even though the last 2 temps have been dangerously close to the coverline, am now 3dpo.

Or am I? This morning I had more EWCM. Definitely stringy and definitely stretchy. FF has given me dashed crosshairs. I guess we'll treat it as fertile and act accordingly. I don't know why all this matters. I suppose it doesn't really. I'd just got my hopes up for a short cycle, and had adjusted to 3dpo thinking. Had even worked out my dates.

Which makes me think, each cycle is so delicately balanced. There are the dark days of CD1-3, the philosophical ones of CD4-7, the proactive period of CD8-14, and then the positive, hopeful days of the early DPOs. It would be difficult to pin down the 2nd half of the luteal phase with any one or two adjectives - let's just throw in all human emotions, reaching the depths of all possible despair by about 10dpo.

So there was me being all positive and hopeful, and now I have to go back to being bloody proactive and I don't want to! Stomp, stomp, sulk. Oh well, "at least you'll have fun trying" - ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.......

Friday, February 03, 2006

Feebee - CD9

We have a strategic plan for this cycle - we are going to go at it hell for leather so that even if the little buggers can't swim properly, there will be so many of them up there, they will simply be backed up all the way to my ovary. And Dr W told us to do it every night in the run up to O. Dr D had previously told us only to do it every 2nd night, but as we've seen Dr W more recently, we will go with her. And, more importantly, the month we did actually get pregnant, we did it almost every night for 2 weeks. I am not boasting about our sexual prowess, I am merely stating the lengths to which we will go to become pregnant. We are currently on day 4 of the marathon and DH is still at the "Are we doing it tonight?" stage. I predict by early next week he will have reached the "Do we have to do it tonight?" phase.

Another strategic move I have made, this time to protect my sanity rather than to help the conception process, is to give up message boards. Regular readers may have been under the impression that I had already done this, but no, the last time I quit I only gave up posting. I have still been torturing myself regularly, crying over pregnancy announcements by people I haven't even talked to online, never mind met. But they've only been trying a few months! Yes, Feebee, this is the norm and you are the exception, say bye bye to the pregnant ladies and do something more useful with your time.

If there are any long-timers from my regular message board who pop in here now and again, please do let me know if you have any good news, I would genuinely love to know. Yes, I have been known to cry with happiness on hearing some pregnancy announcements, twice recently actually - one IVF baby after 7 years TTC, another pregnancy after a stillbirth. So ask yourself first, do you meet these fairly stringent requirements??? Only joking! All long-timers from MM and all bloggers very welcome.