EWCM for a week and a half, aching boobs for a week, but no temp rise. Going away on Thurs for 5 days without DH, so ovulating during that time is not an option (anovulatory cycle also not allowed). Please help me find an ovulation pattern in my crappy chart!!!
In an attempt to stay away from all things TTC last week, I read some of the Irish current affairs blogs instead. There was an interesting discussion on Sarah Carey's blog about the frozen embryo debate, and it wasn't long before I was sucked in to discussing fertility issues.
There have been two recent legal cases, one in the UK and one in Ireland, that have brought up the issue of the right to life of a frozen embryo. In the UK, Natallie Evans underwent an IVF cycle with her then fiance following a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. Six embryos were frozen for use after her treatment, which left her infertile. Before the embryos could be transferred, Natallie split up with her fiance, and he asked for the embryos to be destroyed. Natallie took a case to the High Court, and when that failed to the European Court of Human Rights, arguing for the right to life of the embryos. The European Court ruled that they did not have a right to life without the consent of the father.
A similar case in Ireland is due to be heard next month. A woman is seeking transferal, against her estranged husband's wishes, of the remaining frozen embryos from an IVF cycle that produced a daughter. This case has implications for the Irish Constitution, which provides specific protection to the life of "the unborn", although this legal entity has never been defined by the courts. It is up to the High Court now to decide whether the frozen embryos constitute life that should be protected, or if they are simply the joint property of a marriage, which can now be destroyed. It's an issue that our politicians have been dodging for decades; now they may not even have to get their hands dirty.
These cases are both heartbreaking - obviously the women involved see the embryos as their only remaining chance to have a baby. I've posted my views on the issue on Sarah's blog.
Now, if I hear one more mention of doctors "implanting" embryos in women's wombs....
I snapped at my mother a few weeks ago for using this line on me, but today I just feel like going with the flow.
It will happen when the time is right. When my body is ready. When it's meant to be. These things take time you know. It will happen when I least expect it. When I've stopped trying. I just need to relax, focus on other things, have a positive mental attitude. Maybe I should change my diet, take up yoga, join a club. Adoption - that's another thing that helps couples conceive. It will happen for me soon, many people are sure of it. Or maybe I should just stop fretting and concentrate on the one beautiful child I have.
Remember a couple of weeks ago, when I was congratulating myself on not having a "real" fertility problem? Well, seems the celebrations were a bit short-lived. DH's SA results were bad again. Very low motility - 8% category A and 32% A&B. Unlikely (although not impossible - it has happened before) that we will conceive naturally. He has to see a urologist, and if he can't be fixed, then we'll need treatment. The secretary in the fertility clinic was very evasive and wouldn't give me any definite answers, but it seems we are talking about IVF.
I don't care about the expense (I should), I don't care about the physical trauma of the treatment (will also have to have lap and HSG). I do care, however, that it is going to be months before anything will be done. 2 months until urologist appt. 2 further weeks until next fertility clinic appt. More time for lap and HSG. And then the final wait for whatever treatment is decided on = no baby until at least summer 2007.
My poor little fella will be 3 1/2 by then. He loves babies and is very gentle and caring with them. He knows that friends of his have brothers and sisters, but has not yet wondered why he doesn't. Originally we wanted a 2 year gap. Between each of our 4 children. As time went by, we settled on a 2 1/2 year gap for starters, then 3. Of course this would mean speeding up the process of having subsequent children, but we accepted that we no longer had control over the procedure and vowed never to use contraception again. Now we are just hoping for another child, by whatever means possible.
I still believe that we will have more children, but I accept that there is a possibility that this might not happen. Did I say accept? No, what I meant was, I understand that statistically it does not look great. However, I will not allow us to become one of those statistics, that is simply not an option for us.
I have started the adoption ball rolling. I know this is another long, dark road, but it is one we are prepared to travel to build the family we've wanted for so long.
So, things haven't gone according to plan - what do you do? Well, options have be reassessed, plans have been reformulated, and hopes and dreams are now being realigned to the new emerging timescale.
What's your take on Hope? Bitch or blessing? I know a lot of people think she's a bitch, cos she's always letting them down. This is true. But the thing is, I'm always happier - much, much, happier - when she's here. She came to stay about 3 weeks ago and we've had a great laugh. But when I didn't have an implantation temp dip today she said that maybe it was time she was on her way. I've desperately tried to find some symptoms to make her stay, but no joy (now that's someone I haven't seen in a while!).
So looks like I'll have to make it through the next few days on my own. Maybe I'll see her again in a week or so. Unless of course I'm pregnant, in which case she can fuck off and go and annoy someone else.
DH told me yesterday that he's happy. He's had a tough year. His mother has been really ill; she's now in a nursing home and is completely dependent on us. Obviously he's had to deal with all this TTC nonsense. On top of that, at the moment he's working until 10pm every night, including most weekends. And yet, when the 3 of us were dancing in the kitchen yesterday, he turned to me and said "I'm happy". And so am I.
Phew, I made it. Finally had a temp rise today after 6 days of O signs. Had EWCM at the weekend, +OPK on Mon and cramps on Tues. When there was a temp drop yesterday, I was a bit anxious, as I always have a temp rise the day after +OPK, the same day I get my O pains. So the egg took its time after getting its orders from the LH, nothing wrong with that. Well, I'm sure Google could come up with several reasons to panic, but I won't go there.
So I am relieved, and once again looking forward to the 2ww. During the brief period yesterday when I considered that I may not ovulate at all, I imagined what it would be like to have a "real" fertility problem. Not LPD, not reduced sperm mobility, but an almost 100% guarantee that sex alone was not going to result in pregnancy. It's a whole different level of infertility, and it scared me more than I would have expected. It makes me feel like I'm just playing at being infertile, an imposter amongst the real sufferers. One thing I know though, my emotions are not imaginary - the anger, the bitterness, the disbelief, the disappointment, these are all very real to me. I suppose what I realised yesterday is that I still have a huge amount of hope, and am fairly confident that our problems will not stand in the way of natural conception. I expect every cycle to be my last, and always embrace Hope with open arms (until I give her a kick up the arse around 10dpo).