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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The whole truth

HSG Friday 11am.

I need you to be completely honest with me. How painful was your HSG? I was volunteered no information when I called to book, just given a time and place. When pressed, I was told to take 2 painkillers a couple of hours beforehand. Is that it? Is there any other preparation I should do? Will I be able to drive home? Return to work? TTC?

Thank you.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Cee Dee 5ive

Just back from a scan at the fertility clinic. I have a 14mm follicle, which means I am either going to O in the next 2-3 days, or I have a big fat cyst that could mean no IUI next cycle. The midwife reckons it looks like an early O, which tallies with the pains I've been having in the last few days, and EWCM today.

If it is an early O, on the plus side I could be less than a fortnight away from IUI.

This is, as usual, outweighed by the minus side:
1. Early O = thin endometrial lining at implantation time.
2. O will probably be at same time as HSG = even less chance of implantation.
3. My doc may finally admit that I have dodgy cycles and rethink the natural IUI next cycle.
4. If she decides I need IUI with injectables, then I have to have "training" which will set me back another month or two.

The midwife advised us to use contraception this month as the HSG dye interferes with the endometrial lining, and, while not proven to be dangerous to an embryo, there is little chance of implantation, so there's not much point in TTC.

So there's a chance, right??? "Little chance" is all we ever have, so that's good enough for me! As for the thought of us at it like rabbits, forcing ourselves to stop to put on a condom - ha ha ha ha ha - wanna laugh with me or at me???

Friday, May 26, 2006

The final countdown

Just sent off our adoption application!!!! I'm so excited, I'm literally counting the days.....only 2007 to go.

A list of good things

1. Lump is almost gone and doc says she's not concerned about it any more.

2. Have HSG booked for next week, which means IUI next cycle if all is well.

3. Insurance will cover DH's op.

4. MIL is improving (was very ill recently).

5. My own mum is recovering well after op.

6. I love my boys.

7. It's Friday.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

...

bfn

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

And the winner is...

Every month I consider how I'll announce my pregnancy. Sometimes I think I'll write a long, meandering post about this and that to throw you off the scent, and then somewhere towards the end, work in the small detail of my BFP. Other months I just think I'll throw caution to the wind and say "We did it!". I've considered a minimalist approach - a solitary "bfp" to pass on the news, or simply a photo of my +HPT. I wonder if I'll keep the news to myself for a few days, or if I'll feel the need to blab as soon as I find out. Oh, what a dreamer I am!

I haven't got an inkling what I'll write this month. Any unusual ideas? Expecting AF as usual in a couple of days, so most likely no need to impose upon your creativity. Just wanted to indulge myself while I still can.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

You wait 6 months for an appointment...

...and then three come at once. DH went to see the urologist last week: he has a varicocele and an operation to remove it has a 40% chance of improving his motility. He can have the operation done in July if we go private (e1500 and probably not covered by insurance) and god knows when if we go public. It will then take about 6 months from the operation to see an improvement in his swimmers (if he falls in the lucky 40%). Will probably go for it, but as a way to make things easier for conceiving our next child. In the meantime...

Got a cancellation appointment with our current fertility doctor for yesterday, so went in armed with charts, hopes and expectations of IUI next cycle. In a nutshell, she was cold, dismissive and rude, and when she told me the next step was a HSG that I would have to wait a few months for, I lost it and started crying. As DH tells it, I then became quite aggressive (I don't think I need a HSG as was pregnant last summer, and certainly don't want to wait several months for one) and so did she. She told me if I didn't like it I could go elsewhere, so that brings us to appointment number 3...

I will be visiting the lovely people at that nice fertility hospital in Kildare (won't name it as I don't want to turn up on a search) on 15th June. In a strange twist of fate though, Dr XXX's secretary has organised for me to have a HSG either next cycle or the following one, followed by an IUI if all is well. So will keep both options open for now, as long as I don't have to see Dr XXX again.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Famous at last

Dontcha just hate it when the meeja gets it wrong? Here's my modest attempt to put things right (published in today's Irish Times):

Madam, - Once again, The Irish Times (Sarah Boseley, May 5th), along with most other news sources, has made a fundamental error when discussing the subject of IVF.

I would like to set the record straight once and for all.

Doctors do not and cannot implant embryos in women's wombs; they simply transfer them. Implantation then has approximately a 25 per cent chance of occurring.

To ignore this fact is to ignore the heartache caused to so many infertile couples by the failure of embryos to implant following transferral after IVF. It is also scientifically inaccurate. - Yours, etc,

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Uncomfortably numb

I haven't been posting much recently because, well, I just haven't got anything left to say. I'm numb on the outside these days. I get up, I go to work, I play with DS, cuddle him, count my blessings. But inside there is a pain, it never goes away, and it takes all my effort to get through the day without it cutting right through me.

I still can't believe this is happening. I can't believe that I am the person who has written the words above. I can't believe it hurts so much.

I found a lump a few days ago. I haven't had it checked out, I've barely thought about it. It's probably nothing, and if it's not, my only concern is how it might affect TTC.

Infertility was always my greatest fear, anything else should be a walk in the park.

Update: it has been mentioned to me that my last comment is a bit insensitive, so if I had offended anyone, I am truly sorry. I have no first-hand experience of cancer (lump is probably a cyst, but we're keeping an eye on it), and I can only imagine how traumatic it must be.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Top 10 things that haven't helped us get pregnant

With a nod to Jamie, here are mine:

1. Sex
2. Just relaxing
3. Doctors
4. Money
5. Unsolicited advice
6. TTC paraphernalia
7. Positive mental attitude
8. Crying
9. Begging
10. Pleading

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

A new waiting game

We had our first adoption meeting last week. It was an information meeting that people must attend prior to getting application forms. I'd like to say that it was the first step onto an exciting new path to becoming a parent, but it just felt like the same shit, new queue; two year wait for this, six month wait for that.

There were about 50 couples and several single women, anxiously waiting to find out how much longer they must put their dreams of parenthood on hold. There was a presentation on the whole adoption approval procedure, but most attendees had little patience for the administrative details; it wasn't long before hands started going up - how long for this, how long for that? I could see the speakers becoming irritated, but they must have seen it all before.

Here we are, in a room full of predominantly infertile couples, who have been waiting for referrals, waiting for appointments, waiting for results, waiting for treatments, waiting for a miracle, and we all know that we need to quantify our next endurance test. We need to pin down the exact number of months (cycles) this will take, so we can measure out our lives appropriately. So, break it down whatever way you like, but please just tell us when we get to hold our babies???

Three and a half years (and rising all the time) until we can apply to an overseas adoption agency. Up to another two years after that, depending on the country chosen, before we get our babies. The domestic adoption list in Ireland has been closed for 3 years, nobody giving up their babies these days.

But we're in the system now. Our initial application will be processed in about 2 years' time.