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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Infertility reflections

Now that we are pregnant, where do we stand? Are we still infertile? Are we recovering infertiles? Or should we just get on with life and forget all that nonsense?

We haven't told many people about the pregnancy yet, just the few close family and friends who knew we were having an IUI on a specific date, so I've had time to think up appropriate responses to the inevitable irritating comments that will arise:

"You see, I told you all you needed to do was relax and it would happen" - "Yes, thanks, I made sure to relax when the midwife was inserting the speculum into my cervix to inject my husband's washed sperm up to my drug-ripened follicle".

"I bet you're hoping for a girl this time" - "No, just a baby that doesn't die".

"Why did you wait so long before having Number 2?" - "Oh, what with miscarriage and infertility, we just couldn't find the time".

etc

About 8 months ago our fertility doc suggested I think about seeing a counsellor. I thought about it (for a second) but couldn't see how it would make me pregnant, so dismissed it as quickly. You see, all along I knew that there was one thing and one thing only that could save me - a pregnancy. I know the ultimate goal is a baby, but I knew a pregnancy would be a good first step, and one that would lift me out of the darkness, at least temporarily. I was right. No matter what happens now, I have been happy for the last 6 weeks and I am thankful for that.

While I knew that pregnancy was the only way out, I never expected it to be a quick fix. I expected that it would help me get on with my life, but I wasn't under any illusion that life would go back to normal. I will carry the pain of infertility with me forever, but that is partly because I choose to - I know so many things that I didn't know before, I have made so many wonderful friends that make my life better and better, and I hope that I am a better, more considerate person for what I have been through. I mentioned a while back that in some ways I'm not sorry that we had to go through this (and will probably have to again) - those are the reasons.

A few days ago I heard a song that I listened to a lot at the start of the year - "Mardy Bum" by the Arctic Monkeys. It used to make me happy when very little else could. When I heard the start of it recently, I smiled as it brought me back. But as the song progressed I was hit with all the emotions from that time - the pain, the despair, the longing, the bitterness. Music doesn't let you forget. However, through my tears I realised that most of those emotions are gone now, only the surface ones - annoyance, irritation, resentment - remain. They are part of who I am anyway - if I wasn't an angry young woman, I'd be someone else!

So to answer the original questions - yes, we are still infertile, yes we are recovering, yes we are getting on with our lives, but why would we want to forget?

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Little raver

Quick phone video of my mad little raver at a festival today.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Just a quickie...

...to say that Tuesday's scan went well. Babs was even moving about, doing a little dance.

And even after all that, I'm still willing some strong symptoms to come and keep me company until the next scan on Tuesday week.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Two Week Wait Symptoms

Thanks again for your kind comments. We saw a little jelly baby and a heartbeat, but as the midwife kindly pointed out, there is still a long way to go. Not too long though, we get to have another peek next Tuesday.

Still feeling ok, a bit sick if I don't eat for a while, but fine when I do. Usually very tired by mid-afternoon, but who works after 4pm anyway?

I realise that I've let down the googlers. The URL of this blog is misleading and generates a lot of click-throughs for those searching for 2ww symptoms. So if that is you, here is a bona fide list of 2ww symptoms that resulted in a BFP. Temps in degrees Celsius. IUI with HCG shot.

1dpo: 36.34, ovulation pain and EWCM

2dpo: 36.42

3dpo: 35.90, big temp drop below coverline (fallback temp), EWCM

4dpo: 36.40, temp rise back above coverline, creamy CM

5dpo: 36.55, temp rise, small amount of creamy CM

6dpo: 36.62, temp rise, tiny amount of creamy CM in afternoon, slightly tender breasts, heartburn, fairly severe nausea before eating lunch

7dpo: 36.76, temp rise, small amount of creamy CM, tender breasts, heartburn

8dpo: 36.11, huge temp drop below coverline, still had tender breasts but assumed it was because AF was imminent, waited for spotting; I had been testing daily so I would know when the HCG from the trigger shot had left my system - today the line was the sort only visible to crazy ladies, ie probably not there at all

9dpo: 36.58, temp shot back up above the coverline (the mythical implantation dip??!?!??!), no sore boobs, nausea, heartburn, cramps or anything remotely resembling a pregnancy symptom, microscopic line on HPT (still aware that it could be leftover trigger HCG)

10dpo: 37.01, definite pink line on HPT, even visible to a man
11do: 37.04, darker line on HPT
12dpo: 36.78, even darker line on HPT

Apart from some very mild "symptoms" in the first half of the 2ww (we all have them, every single month), I had nothing to report until at least week 6, when I started feeling a little hungry and tired. Even now, at 7w4d and with a thumping heartbeat, I am hard pushed to find anything pregnant about me at times. So don't despair if you're 9dpo and don't "feel" pregnant, there's enough despairing that goes on in this business, try and save it for at least 11dpo. Good luck!!!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Heartbeat

Heartbeat, why do you miss
when my baby kisses me?

Heartbeat, why does your love
kiss stay in my memory?

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Yep, there's definitely a baby in there

I am starting to believe I may have a baby in the not too distant future. I've allowed myself ponder the necessity of a double buggy, and have wondered if I'll manage to finish my PhD thesis by next March (yikes!). Yes, the scan went well, and each day that passes I have become more accustomed to the idea that this might actually work out.

My obs was fantastic and did everything she could to put my mind at rest. She did a belly scan, but all we could see was a blob, which she was happy with, but sent me for a transvaginal scan to help put my mind at ease. The yolk and sac were measuring fine for my dates based on IUI/O (due date 31 March) so I'll stick with that for now. There was no fetal pole, although the midwife pointed to what looked set to become the fetal pole, and told me that it looked very healthy (bet she says that to all the girls). She said it looked like the heart would start beating in about 3 days, so I'm back in on Thurs to make sure. Obs will scan me every 10 days after that until I get to 12 weeks.

One interesting point: a nurse took our details before we saw obs. The first thing she asked me was how I was feeling; I said very nervous. She went through our history - live birth, m/c, and it was only when I mentioned IUI that she said, "Ah, I see why you're so nervous". I think they see m/c's so often that they start to think of them as a normal pregnancy event. To be honest though, I'm not that afraid of m/c - I'm bloody terrified of another bout of infertility though.

Just had to run off for a bit and am back now, reading my last sentence. No, it's wrong. I couldn't bear to lose this baby now, it's brought me so much hope and helped me feel human again. Yeah, I no longer just want a baby, I want this baby. Oh god, I've become attached.

Had a great holiday (went away for the weekend straight after scan), apart from a nasty wasp sting I sustained as we packed the car to return. Arm swelled up and still have a 2-inch sized itchy lump. Not dangerous to the baby, despite what the Internet says. Not many symptoms to report, but this time I'm glad. Am more tired than last week, boobs slightly sorer and feel a bit yucky if I don't eat for a while, but that's it. Roll on Thurs.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Quick post from my mobile

No heartbeat but we saw yolk and sac and all measuring ok for dates, so tears of relief all round. Next scan on Thurs to check for heartbeat.