Bring it onI've decided to come clean. I've been humming and hawing to myself and to everyone else for the past week, hoping to keep a low profile and to keep my options open. Well it hasn't worked, so here goes.
Having decided to take a cycle off, I spoke to my current clinic again about IVF a couple of weeks ago and was given some provisional dates for March. In the meantime I had an appointment with my old clinic with a view to doing some natural IUIs before we commit to IVF. My current clinic doesn't do unmedicated IUIs and seeing as it worked last time, we thought we might give it one last shot. There is no scientific reasoning for why a natural cycle might work when 2 medicated ones didn't (although I can come up with some convincing arguments, I can probably justify every failed cycle for the last 2 years if I try hard enough) but we are desperate people. The reason I decided to have 2 clinics on the go at one time is not because I wanted to be sly or manipulative, it is because we are confused, scared and we JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
We agonised over our decision and in the end decided to do at least one more natural IUI before committing to IVF. I called my current clinic to break the news that we would be postponing our IVF cycle and was told that the phone conversation we had the previous week where we discussed dates had constituted a booking and that we would have to pay 1200 quid to cancel those dates. I wasn't sure but when I spoke to DH we did agree that we didn't have a fucking clue what the right thing to do was, so we might as well go with the flow and take the IVF dates.
So unless I conceive this cycle, we will be doing IVF in early March. How do I feel about it? A little bit down, a little bit scared, but mostly relieved. No more messing about, straight to the hard stuff. I'm not over-confident that it is going to work but I'm not terrified of failure either - I'd give us fairly good odds of conceiving, not so great of going all the way. So it may take a few goes. Maybe I get to skip straight to Veteran IVF Barbie? Maybe I'm being too presumptuous. Maybe there's still a lot further to fall.