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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Voices in my Head

Stop the train! We're getting off. We will do this cycle au naturel and then take each subsequent cycle as it comes.

We have to give that 72% motility a fair go. We conceived fairly easily twice before the sperm stopped swimming properly. Head says no reason it won't work again, heart says baby at any cost. So we will give the head a cycle or two to fight its corner, then heart will take over.

I have an angel on my right shoulder, devil on my left. In my right ear I hear "Try to relax", "It happened before, it will happen again", "You've still got time". In my left I hear "Four year gap and counting", "Diminishing fertility", "Last call for babies".

I am already forty; I have measured out my life in coffee spoons from now until then. My thirties no longer belong to me, those years have been earmarked for fertility treatments, pregnancies and miscarriages. That's the devil talking. The angel reckons it will be worth it, I'll have my family by then. We'll see.


At 2:03 PM, Anonymous amber said...

Just thought I would tell you my sister is pregnant.
11 weeks and counting, she has spent some of it in hospital, still touch and go but she is clinging onto hope that this is a keeper.

Hope and pray you will have some positive news soon as you are she were my two hopes for 2007.

At 2:29 PM, Anonymous Treelo said...

72% motility does sound promising! Hope things go according to plan honey, I think you are right to give au naturel a shot though it may feel frustrating not to be jumping into IVF this month. But its just for a month or two, and if it does work it will be easier on your body that all that IVF entails. Keep us posted and I wish you all the luck in the world...

At 4:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wish you all the luck in the world. Heres to a 2007 baby. NYC.

At 1:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I am new reader - and have enthusiastically read your blog in a single sitting!
My little story:
For a year I thought I was constantly pregnant. It transpires that I don't O (ever). And I never get AF. So I always think I'm pregnant.

I used to read TTC boards and envy the sophisticated TTCers who would talk about dpo. I never ovulated, so can't count dpo. I would just constantly think I was pregnant.

I too am addicted to testforless HPTs. I thought I was the only one who could be addicted!
I like to do two in a sitting, because there are bound to be a few faulty ones, right?
I did 50+ HPTs before I eventually got my first BFP (a happy ending).

I had countless blood tests, no-one knows why I dont O. I also went to the MFC and was fortunate enough to get a BFP on a clomid cycle. When I was testing after my Clomid cycle, we went away for a weekend and I splashed out on a Clearblue digital test that shows the word 'Pregnant' or 'Not Pregnant' on the screen. When I tested and saw 'Pregnant' on that wonderful piece of technology, I wanted to test and test and test, it was wonderful.

And it is a happy ending. I have a beautiful 9 month old DD. She has given me the happiest days of my life.

But.... I would like another baby. Post baby, 9 months on - still no O. Back into that barren land again. I have started buying the HPTs again...I tell myself that it will work again when I go back on Clomid. It will, wont it???

At 7:35 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Amber - great news about your sister, hope all goes well for her.

anonymous - nice to meet you and yes, it will work again!!! Are you going back to the MFC soon?


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