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Friday, February 23, 2007

Can't relax? Try IVF

Some people may not like what I'm about to say. It goes against conventional thinking about infertility and IVF, at least it goes against the literature - maybe personal opinion differs.

I find IVF easier than any other stage of our infertility journey. So far. Despite the pain in my belly, the headaches, the enormous hole in our finances, I am considerably less bitter, broken and angry than I have been since this blog began. Most people who have been through this will agree that the hardest part is dealing with those rogue emotions - jealousy, bitterness, resentment, anger. Trying to come to terms with life in a fertile world and the complete and utter bloody unfairness of being left behind while others progress their lives oblivious - that is harder for me than failed treatment cycles and dead babies.

I still think about TTC every second of every minute of every day, but these days my thoughts are more positive. Maybe it's because this time I have a far greater chance of conceiving than ever before (50% chance of pregnancy followed by a 60% chance of carrying to term, although statistics have never done me any favours before). Maybe it's because we are doing everything we possibly can to make a baby, and that is all we can do.

The darkest days of all were during the long, hard months after my first miscarriage, before we started treatment. 13 of them. The devastation at the end of each cycle was equal to that of my first miscarriage, of my failed IUIs. Each one another miscarriage, another baby I wouldn't get to hold in 8 months time. And all the time waiting, waiting, waiting for an appointment at a fertility clinic, then waiting for tests, procedures, results, battling for a chance at treatment, fighting with doctors, willing someone to allow us a shot at the best possible chance.

And two years on, here we are. At last. There is simply nothing more we could be doing. It is out of our hands now and that is such a relief. Yes, there are many things that could go wrong, and we may have to go through this many times. But for now I am thankful that the crying has stopped and the psychological strain has eased up a little. I still cry for the baby that was due in a few weeks, the one that should have a first birthday coming up, I cry on cue at pregnancy and birth announcements, and every now and then I have a good sob at what this has done to us. But at least now it's predictable, no longer debilitating.

I've accepted that this is our lot in life, yet I have set out to do everything in my power to change it. Getting to this stage has made life easier for all of us. If choosing to do IVF has changed my way of looking at our situation then yes, I do consider it to be easier than Clomid, IUI, trying on our own. It's certainly done more for me than "just relaxing" ever did.

4 Comments:

At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying your long road is coming to an end. Keep smiling and writing.

 
At 9:34 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

Hi Feebee,
Life is a little unsettled here so haven't been around as much.I have great hopes for your IVF and completely understand your feelings. It is all about having some measure of control,upping your odds of a healthy baby. Since you are in good health as are your eggs it seems that success is likely.
My best wishes as always & congrats on your Blog success-I did vote!
Lisa

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger Feebee said...

Lisa - sorry to hear you're still having a rough time. Hope things settle down a bit for you soon. I miss having you around!

 
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