A void of sadnessDue to my brief respite from the irrational aspects of infertility, I have been able to ponder the void of perception between how fertiles imagine infertility might be and the reality of day to day life as an infertile. Within this void lie the answers to the perennial questions:
Why don't you just relax?
Why don't you take a break?
Why can't you just be grateful for what you have?
Why is it so hard?
The fertile can't understand why, the infertile can't explain why not.
One can describe the lengths to which infertiles go in order to try and have a child - the physical, emotional and financial cost of their pursuits. Yes, that certainly sounds hard, maybe a holiday will make you feel better? But you see that's what you don't understand, there is no escaping this feeling of dread, disappointment, despair. Oh dear, you sound obsessed and depressed, you need to relax.
Somehow I have managed to relax. Actually, that's not strictly true, I have managed to obsess about other things for a change. In shifting my focus, I have been able to understand why it was not necessarily an act of gross insensitivity for others to suggest that I concentrate my attentions on my beautiful son instead of worrying about children I do not yet have. So, I have obsessed about whether or not to send him to a private school, whether or not to mortgage ourselves up to the eyeballs in order to give him the best possible home. I have also realised (you're not going to believe this one) that other people's pregnancies are good news in which I can share as a mother, and this does not have a detrimental effect on my life unless I choose to let it.
I have tried to look at my life without the infertility goggles. I'm not talking about the "count your blessings" approach to life, what I mean is I've tried to strip off the layers of emotional reasoning and look at what's underneath. This is what fertiles see. A family with daily family choices to make, and an ongoing struggle to overcome.
But still I am very sad that we have had to go through this, very, very sad.