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Monday, February 05, 2007

A void of sadness

Due to my brief respite from the irrational aspects of infertility, I have been able to ponder the void of perception between how fertiles imagine infertility might be and the reality of day to day life as an infertile. Within this void lie the answers to the perennial questions:

Why don't you just relax?
Why don't you take a break?
Why can't you just be grateful for what you have?
Why is it so hard?

The fertile can't understand why, the infertile can't explain why not.

One can describe the lengths to which infertiles go in order to try and have a child - the physical, emotional and financial cost of their pursuits. Yes, that certainly sounds hard, maybe a holiday will make you feel better? But you see that's what you don't understand, there is no escaping this feeling of dread, disappointment, despair. Oh dear, you sound obsessed and depressed, you need to relax.

Somehow I have managed to relax. Actually, that's not strictly true, I have managed to obsess about other things for a change. In shifting my focus, I have been able to understand why it was not necessarily an act of gross insensitivity for others to suggest that I concentrate my attentions on my beautiful son instead of worrying about children I do not yet have. So, I have obsessed about whether or not to send him to a private school, whether or not to mortgage ourselves up to the eyeballs in order to give him the best possible home. I have also realised (you're not going to believe this one) that other people's pregnancies are good news in which I can share as a mother, and this does not have a detrimental effect on my life unless I choose to let it.

I have tried to look at my life without the infertility goggles. I'm not talking about the "count your blessings" approach to life, what I mean is I've tried to strip off the layers of emotional reasoning and look at what's underneath. This is what fertiles see. A family with daily family choices to make, and an ongoing struggle to overcome.

But still I am very sad that we have had to go through this, very, very sad.


At 12:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Discreid said...

Good to read, very eloquent as always.


At 4:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog and nodding along with a lof of what you say and think but I feel in my heart there is a time when you just have to be grateful for what you have and stop wishing your life was different.
Cherish your present and stop looking towards a vision you have for the future where another baby makes life so wonderful.
What then, another baby, more heart ache if that does not become a reality.
Stop wasting your precious child's life with longing.
Live for the here and now and be grateful for what you have.
If God forbid the child you know and love was taken away from you and you had to look back on all the wasted time wishing his little life away in the pursuit of a sibling.
I won't read or comment any more.
Hope you find peace.

At 11:21 PM, Anonymous lisau said...

When you have a child that you cherish above all else,you are grateful for him each and every day of your life.
It is ironic that it is this all-encompassing love itself that brings the longing for another.
Time is not wasted when one is trying to bring a baby who will loved and wanted into this world where love is often lacking.
While everyone who has been through
infertility and loss would tell you that they would love to minimalize the obsessive part of it, it is not always possible to do so- that is not the nature of desire so deep. Rest assured, that Feebee and the many, many other women who have not had the easy path to motherhood have never wished away the life of their children- it is in fact the strength of that love that has kept them going,
love to you Feebee,

At 10:45 AM, Blogger Feebee said...

Hi anon - I hope you don't feel you have to stop reading or posting.

I understand that it may seem from reading my blog that there is little else in my life than TTC. But there is something that is more important and that is my family. What TTC has taken from me - my social life, time spent with friends - has been replaced with time spent with my husband and son. I admit that there isn't that much in life that makes me happy these days but spending time with DH and DS always is a guaranteed winner so that is what I spend nearly all my free time doing. I have cut back my working hours to spend more time with my son so in a way I have infertility to thank for that.

As Lisa said, I am grateful for him every minute of every day.

At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Feebee god gurl I feel your pain like you similar situation and did progress to IVF and concieved B/G twins who are 2 and a half now. I thank god daily for them and enjoy every waking moment. That said I am greedy and would so long for more and my heart aches daily.

Previous history 2mc's 1 ectopic 3 IVF cycles, (Twins) and then 1 ectopic naturally which led to both tubes and 1 ovary being removed along with that all my hopes and dreams for another Baby.

It's sooooooo easy to say move on and relax blah blah the truth is it hurts like HELL!!!!!!!!!

Best wishes pet thinking of you. Aisling (Roz MM).

At 2:43 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Hi Aisling - I followed your story on MM and was gutted for you. Just can't believe you went from the highest high to the lowest low within days. Hope you are coping ok and managing to get on with life.

At 1:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've just been through the ivf and there was no P at the end. I'm nearly 43 and feel so useless. I try to be grateful for what I have. Make a list of things to do. Nothing is working at the moment. I'm a pathetic heap that just cries constantly and I'm now smoking again. No one to talk to.


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