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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The bitterest pill

I am not ok. I am very, very angry, so angry I can't breathe properly.

For two years we have thrown away everything else in our lives, we have lived from minute to minute and day to day, we have been unfaltering in our dedication. We have begged, borrowed and scraped together money for treatments, month after month after month. We rarely eat out, the only holiday we've had in two years was a junket. Two years of blood, sweat and tears later we have nothing but an excess of anger, bitterness and despair that nobody deserves to bear. I don't go out, I don't socialise, I can barely talk to most of my pre-infertility friends. They say that having a child changes your life. Well, not having one changes it much, much more.

It is very odd, at the tender age of 37, to know with almost certainty that you will get to the end of your days, your life's ambition unfulfilled. And no, I never did make it onto Top of the Pops, but that is no longer top of my wish list. Yes, there are "other options" for me to complete my much-longed for family of six, I hope I will look back with no regrets in ten years' time. But if there's one thing infertility has taught me, it is that there are no guarantees in life, and I certainly don't see donor eggs or adoption as a sure thing.

I am still waiting to bleed, still have dead babies in my belly. If I was a normal person I would still be blissfully unaware.


At 4:05 PM, Anonymous amber said...

Don't know what to say, so won't try.

At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, there are no words left for how sorry i am you are going thru this, you and your family...it is so so sad...so very very sad.

I hope there is a ray of light very soon for you all...thinking of you.

Dee1 (MM)

At 4:41 PM, Blogger Sadie said...

Feebee, like the others have said, everything "we" can say to you is so completely inadequate. I hope the strength you have shown time and time again on this terrible, awful and shitty-at-times journey, helps you get through this part. Hope you come through this and know we are all thinking about you.


At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Artblog said...

I'm sorry you're angry, that's totally normal and nobody normal or otherwise would be able to go through this "blissfully unaware". If I've learnt one thing about grief, it's to let it all out whenever you can, whenever you feel it and to NOT hold it in.

This post is a good start.

You're unfulfilled ambition is something this attitude will help you with when you come to deal with that grief.

I'm very sad for you, very. Again, wishing you all the best.

x Artblog

At 6:11 PM, Blogger Adrienne said...

Words fail. I'm so sorry, Feebee.

At 10:21 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

feebee, you're right, this is awful, and agonising, and of course you are angry, of course you are.

Don't make any decisions just yet. It's not the right time.

And goodness sake, how dare the M&S food be bad??

At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Claire said...

I'm truly sorry Feebee, you're right, it's not fair and you don't deserve it.

At 2:29 AM, Blogger My Reality said...

You have every right to be angry. This whole situation is unfair.

Everything about it sucks. I know all too well about putting everything you can into these treatments and the heartbreak that they cause when they slap you in the face.

Thinking of you from across the ocean.

At 5:27 AM, Blogger Bumble said...

I'm so sorry Feebee, so sorry. I'm thinking of you. Cry, scream, let it all out. This is so unfair. I'm sorry hun x

At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for what you are having to endure. I hope that some way and in time you can come to terms with this horrible loss.

At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Discreid said...

I'm sorry Feebee. I realised while walking downstairs last night that I haven't been happy in nearly 3 years. I started to cry, sad, melancholy tears. Life is short and goes by quick. And this is no way to live it. It's not fair and you're right to be angry.

At 11:05 PM, Anonymous Tiredmam said...

Feebee, I have no idea what say...

Thinking of you and your little angels, Tiredmam

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