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Sunday, March 18, 2007

Happy Mother's Day

This is the hardest part of all. I have been testing since Thursday. Several times a day. Friday was 9dpo, the day I tested positive on my last pregnancy. I had a succession of tests that didn't show any line for about half an hour, but did show a definite evaporation line. I cried myself to sleep.

Yesterday I rode the rollercoaster all day long. Another evap with FMU at 4am. Nothing much on the next test. Plenty of tears and thinking, and looking ahead to another cycle and another Christmas without a baby. Final test of the day, definite pink evap - more hope, less closure.

Another 4am rise, this time nothing - no imaginary lines, no questionable evap. I cried until my head hurt, couldn't sleep, came downstairs and watched a repeat of the cricket.

So is that it? Well, the sane answer would be yes. It is highly unlikely, at 11dpo and 9 days past transfer and with a test that shows not even the slightest glimmer of hope, that my babies are still alive. So will I accept this, stop torturing myself and move on? Like I said, that would be the sane option. Instead I did another test. There was definitely a line (even visible to DH) about 15-20 mins post-pee. Outside the allotted time, but it was there. Then, as if I hadn't suffered enough, it disappeared.

I will continue to hope, to dream, to take my daily punishment of three injections, nine pills and one pessary, but in my heart of hearts I am already missing my babies.

11 Comments:

At 1:13 PM, Blogger Sadie said...

jesus feebee, am hoping and hoping this works for you..I know you are a serial and experienced tester but don't lose hope yet....11dpo is still early for testing...you gotta hang on in there...wishing you positive thoughts...Nx

 
At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Sheena said...

Dear Fee bee,

I feel for you so much and really admire you. Your blog is so honest describing what so many of us are going through, especially today - Mother's Day. It is helpful to hear how are you are doing, even through these very rough times (in fact especially through them) because you are expressing what so many feel. Because of that we know we aren't alone; we are together in our grief. I hope you find peace and happiness today with your family,

lots of love,

Sheena

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger Adrienne said...

Feebee, I am still holding hope for you. It is early yet and it could happen. Sending you support vibes and ((hugs)).

 
At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Discreid said...

Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.

D

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Derval said...

I am wishing very very hard for you.

 
At 10:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking of you, hoping that all the IVF meds are playing tricks with your results and that very soon you will get a real positive result,

Tiredmam

 
At 11:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Saw the mention in RI's piece.. thinking of you anyway, but good to have a little reminder!

All is not lost as yet; try to hang in there (I know thats easy for me to say).
Ex

 
At 12:25 AM, Blogger My Reality said...

Still hoping for you.

 
At 12:45 AM, Blogger peep: formerly known as jacked up said...

I'm sorry. Does it help to know that my lone embie didn't make it either? We'll go into the next cycle together and stronger, I hope.

 
At 3:20 PM, Anonymous Lisau said...

Feebee,
The not-knowing must be killing you. Why don't the Dr.'s order blood tests? It seems like that would be in order doesn't it?
I am keeping you in my thoughts & sending huge hugs.
Lisa

 
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