Happy Mother's DayThis is the hardest part of all. I have been testing since Thursday. Several times a day. Friday was 9dpo, the day I tested positive on my last pregnancy. I had a succession of tests that didn't show any line for about half an hour, but did show a definite evaporation line. I cried myself to sleep.
Yesterday I rode the rollercoaster all day long. Another evap with FMU at 4am. Nothing much on the next test. Plenty of tears and thinking, and looking ahead to another cycle and another Christmas without a baby. Final test of the day, definite pink evap - more hope, less closure.
Another 4am rise, this time nothing - no imaginary lines, no questionable evap. I cried until my head hurt, couldn't sleep, came downstairs and watched a repeat of the cricket.
So is that it? Well, the sane answer would be yes. It is highly unlikely, at 11dpo and 9 days past transfer and with a test that shows not even the slightest glimmer of hope, that my babies are still alive. So will I accept this, stop torturing myself and move on? Like I said, that would be the sane option. Instead I did another test. There was definitely a line (even visible to DH) about 15-20 mins post-pee. Outside the allotted time, but it was there. Then, as if I hadn't suffered enough, it disappeared.
I will continue to hope, to dream, to take my daily punishment of three injections, nine pills and one pessary, but in my heart of hearts I am already missing my babies.