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Sunday, March 25, 2007

Why?

I had a post written in my head on Tuesday about how I was going to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, come what may. From that first faint line on Monday I had been grinning from ear to ear. I made an announcement on a parenting board, I even put up a ticker, something I didn't do for 12 weeks on my last pregnancy. I told anyone who asked about our IVF - no point in keeping quiet about it. Last time, because of a previous miscarriage, I wanted to wait until 12 weeks. Not because of any rules or superstitions, but because I wanted to be able to celebrate when people congratulated me. I wanted to be able to say, yes I am going to have a baby. I was so sure that the first miscarriage was just bad luck, that I was prepared to bide my time and wait for the big prize of the 2nd trimester.

This time I said fuck it, that might never happen, let's celebrate now. DH emailed people, I made announcements. Everyone was delighted for us. Then, only two days later, I was overcome with fear once again.

If you read back on some of my posts from my last pregnancy, you will see me say over and over that, while pregnancy after miscarriage is terrifying, it is better than not being pregnant.

This is much, much worse.

My HPTs are as good as negative. My babies are dying. I have no hope for future IVFs. Three miscarriages in as many years, where is the sense in that? For those of you who think everything happens for a reason, please explain. To everyone who said that this would be our year, please tell me when.

I have no hope left for this pregnancy. My only hope now is that it is not ectopic and that I do not lose a tube.

30 Comments:

At 7:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was so sorry to read this post Feebee :( S.

 
At 7:21 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

Feebee, there is no rhyme nor reason here. No one can explain why some people are haunted, as you are, while others succeed so easily. No one deserves this, none of it makes any sense. I can understand why you have no hope for this cycle. Do give yourself a break before you decide how you feel about future cycles, 3 miscarriages is not necessarily the end (unless you have had enough of course).

 
At 7:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, my heart is breaking for you and your DH.
God, life is unfair sometimes. I can't tell you how much I hope you'll get good news tomorrow.
xx
Mer

 
At 7:42 PM, Anonymous Artblog said...

I've been there, you know that, it doesn't help you, I know, what more can I say than I understand what you're feeling.

When this happened to me, I was told it was for the best, that these things happen because there is something wrong with the foetus, that it's the bodies way of eliminating the bad ones. so hard to hear, so hard to accept. I refused to believe it at the time but no one can tell you real reason it happens, unless like me you give birth to a stillborn after a few months of pregnancy (because some slip through the net), then you know why, but this way, the way your suffering with now, is easier, much easier, I know you're thinking, but I still hurt, I'm still disappointed, I know!

You could try again, when you feel ready, there is no reason why the next time would be the same, some go through many until they get there, you know that, you read their blogs.

I'm so so so sorry you're hurting, and disappointed and feel hopeless, I can only give you a virtual hug and wish you a speedy recovery and strength to carry on, one day, when you're once feel ready.

 
At 8:39 PM, Anonymous deeda said...

Feebee - my heart is breaking for you. It sounds like you have given up all hope for this time - I don't know what to say to you about tomorrow. I hope it isn't ectopic, I really, really hope you don't lose a tube but most of all I really, really, really hope that by some miracle you have a viable pregnancy. I can't fully understand your pain but I really wish there was something all of us could do to help you through it...

D

 
At 9:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

feebee

Ah no I'm so dreafully sorry that this is happening. I could make reassuring noises but I'm sure you probably know precisely what is going on with your body....... its so feckin unfair.

As to the ectopic issue well I hope that it proves not to be ( have had 2 of those). Looks like a long and difficult night ahead for you and your dh. I wish you strength and fortitude in your struggle and as a fellow sufferer hope that you find the courage to get on the IVF grinder again as and when you feel ready.

If only there were a crystal ball..

Sending a hug
A

 
At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Discreid said...

There is no earthly reason why you should lose a tube even if it is an ectopic. I'm very very sorry you're losing your babies though. For that I am broken hearted for you and dh and James. I'm so sorry.

 
At 9:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee

Am heartbroken for you.....
I'm so sorry

x

Ciarap

 
At 9:34 PM, Blogger Red Mum said...

I'm so sorry Feebee, there's nothing I can say except that.

 
At 11:15 PM, Blogger Adrienne said...

I'm hurting for you so much, and I hate to say there is no answer to your question of "why?" There is no sense to miscarriages, no sense in who suffers them and who doesn't, no reason why the so-called "natural" process of pregnancy is so easy for some, and so hard for others. It's not fair and life is not fair, and you deserve so much more than this.

My thoughts are with you, Feeb. I would hug you if I could, and try to help you through this pain that I know so well.

 
At 11:46 PM, Blogger Fi said...

This is heart wrenching FeeBee. If it helps people are thinking about you and hoping for some good things to happen for you and your family soon.

 
At 12:16 AM, Anonymous Cree said...

Feebee, if here is even a glimmer of hope that things will improve, I hope that's what happens.
Thinking of you tonight. x

 
At 1:30 AM, Blogger Alice said...

I actually don't think that everything happens for a reason--I think sometimes awful things happen and they are just . . . awful. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.

 
At 4:08 AM, Blogger Calico Mama said...

I too don't think good (or bad) things happen "for a reason." THere's just good and bad things, and some times we get more of one than the other. I am so sorry to read your post, and I wish there was more we could say to make you feel better.

 
At 6:50 AM, Anonymous Treelo said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Feebee. I still carry a glimmer of hope for this pregnancy, I have everything crossed for you today that somehow one of your babies is still fighting strong. Life isn't fair, you have had more than your share of heartache... Thinking of you today and wishing I could do more than just be here for you online...

 
At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As Treelo said , I wish I could do more for you... Thinking about you, dh & ds today.
Ex

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger Derval said...

Absolutely heartbroken for you.
Thinking of you all
xx

 
At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Dorra. said...

Oh Feebee,

My heart is breaking for you. Hope all is not lost with your little bean.

For what it is work you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dorra.

 
At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee - Can only hope you get better news today Feebee.
Am thinking of you

Lollipop

 
At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, devastated for you and your family. So so so sorry...wish I could say something else...sorry doesn't seem enough right now. I hope and pray you get good news.

dee 1 (MM)

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger Sadie said...

feebee, there is nothing anyone can say to make sense of this...hoping against hope you get better beta results today. thinking of you. Nx

 
At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another one here who doesn't believe that 'it happens for a reason' rubbish. Some people are just dealt a shitty hand and have no choice but to play it.
I really hope this isn't the end of the road for you Feebee.
All crossed for you.
Take care.
NewLad.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger thirdtimelucky said...

so sorry.

 
At 2:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee - i have no words to help your pain, but just wanted to say i am thinking of you x
Virgo (mm)

 
At 3:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee...

Am really heartbroken for you. I'm still holding on for that glimmer of hope for you and DH....hope, whatever small, is still hope....

thinking of you loads today...

Mia01101

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Hoping said...

so sorry Feebee, don't know what to say except this isn't fair and you deserve better.

 
At 5:34 PM, Anonymous maz said...

I'm so sorry to hear your news feebee. My thoughts are with you. xxxx

 
At 5:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Feebee. Please don't give up hope although I know it's hard to look towards the future just now. You and dh take care.

xx Frodo

 
At 2:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi - have you heard about Dr Alan Beer's reseach? - Mr George Ndukwe, consultant at Nottingham Care fertility clinic in the UK worked with him and is an expert in implantation failure and misscarriage. There may be issues to do with your immune system -
Emma

 
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