Why?I had a post written in my head on Tuesday about how I was going to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, come what may. From that first faint line on Monday I had been grinning from ear to ear. I made an announcement on a parenting board, I even put up a ticker, something I didn't do for 12 weeks on my last pregnancy. I told anyone who asked about our IVF - no point in keeping quiet about it. Last time, because of a previous miscarriage, I wanted to wait until 12 weeks. Not because of any rules or superstitions, but because I wanted to be able to celebrate when people congratulated me. I wanted to be able to say, yes I am going to have a baby. I was so sure that the first miscarriage was just bad luck, that I was prepared to bide my time and wait for the big prize of the 2nd trimester.
This time I said fuck it, that might never happen, let's celebrate now. DH emailed people, I made announcements. Everyone was delighted for us. Then, only two days later, I was overcome with fear once again.
If you read back on some of my posts from my last pregnancy, you will see me say over and over that, while pregnancy after miscarriage is terrifying, it is better than not being pregnant.
This is much, much worse.
My HPTs are as good as negative. My babies are dying. I have no hope for future IVFs. Three miscarriages in as many years, where is the sense in that? For those of you who think everything happens for a reason, please explain. To everyone who said that this would be our year, please tell me when.
I have no hope left for this pregnancy. My only hope now is that it is not ectopic and that I do not lose a tube.