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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Down but not out

I want to make something absolutely clear. The failure of our recent IVF cycle is the worst thing that has happened to us on our TTC journey. This is way, way worse than when our baby died last year at 12 weeks. Then, we had a baby to love and hold, we will always have a grave to visit. This time we didn't even get a good follicle. Never mind an egg, an embryo, a foetus, a baby. We are so fucked up that we can't even get on the first step. We probably never will.

Last year I left our baby's burial with so much hope, that I would be pregnant again by IUI within a few months. It didn't happen, but I was still ovulating, nothing wrong with me as far as we were concerned. And then the wonderful news, DH's varicocele ligation had been successful, his little fellas were swimming again. Surely pregnancy was just a matter of some hard work and dedication? We have never been short of that and smugly thought that it would as simple as IVF. We thought we'd been through the mill enough already. Ha!! Turns out I am a poor responder. Even the medical staff at our clinic were shocked, there had been no indication of this before. So why can someone have a great response on IUI meds and then a terrible one on IVF meds? It just happens. My FSH has shot up and there is no turning back the clock.

We will keep trying as long as the clinic will keep taking our money. But don't be under the impression that this is getting any easier for us, just because we have been through so much already. As we get closer and closer to the end, the nightmare becomes the reality, we now live it every minute of every day.

We do have a good life together, the three of us - please don't suggest that my desire for children precludes me from loving my husband and son, that is ridiculous. Nobody could love their family as much as I do, as anyone who ever wanted a family as much as I do. I know I am one lucky mother, it's just a tough life these days.


At 3:09 PM, Blogger DD said...

It's why I use TKO (technically knocked out). Sure, I may be down, but look out at my next fight.

Only you can make the decision when enough is enought. I find the thought of quitting voluntarily almost inpossible! I'll quit when they tell me I have to.

At 7:07 PM, Anonymous Artblog said...

Well you know my plan for quitting, but's that's my choice :)

I loved your last statement too, I really hope people understand that besides my bleeding heart and my fading hope it does not affect how much i love my living child or how much time i spend with her.

I think its the complete opposite when in our situation, it makes us doubly appreciative of what we do have. Something that lacks in many of my friends who never had our problems and i just pity their kids sometimes because I know mine is better appreciated.

However controversial a fertile parent may make of this comment I wholeheartedly stand by it, out of experience not out of bitterness.

I can just imagine your gratefulness of your living child but understand the urge to push on for another. I think this one has been discussed before but for me it never gets too old. I will always defend our cause, always, so there! :)


At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Tiredmam said...

Feebee, I don't know what to say or how to saying anything, you are in my thoughts and I am sending you hugs.

I have been dealing with the reality of my infertility a bit more recently and that having another baby isn't going to just happen for us. I am frightened about the clomid cycles not working I am on CD 36 of my first clomid cycle no sign of AF and I have done more negative tests than I wish to confess to but then again my cycles are more unpredicatable than the weather it could be December before AF turns up.

I can't even contemplate what you
have and are going through. I admire and respect the courage and strength you and you DH have,


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