Down but not outI want to make something absolutely clear. The failure of our recent IVF cycle is the worst thing that has happened to us on our TTC journey. This is way, way worse than when our baby died last year at 12 weeks. Then, we had a baby to love and hold, we will always have a grave to visit. This time we didn't even get a good follicle. Never mind an egg, an embryo, a foetus, a baby. We are so fucked up that we can't even get on the first step. We probably never will.
Last year I left our baby's burial with so much hope, that I would be pregnant again by IUI within a few months. It didn't happen, but I was still ovulating, nothing wrong with me as far as we were concerned. And then the wonderful news, DH's varicocele ligation had been successful, his little fellas were swimming again. Surely pregnancy was just a matter of some hard work and dedication? We have never been short of that and smugly thought that it would as simple as IVF. We thought we'd been through the mill enough already. Ha!! Turns out I am a poor responder. Even the medical staff at our clinic were shocked, there had been no indication of this before. So why can someone have a great response on IUI meds and then a terrible one on IVF meds? It just happens. My FSH has shot up and there is no turning back the clock.
We will keep trying as long as the clinic will keep taking our money. But don't be under the impression that this is getting any easier for us, just because we have been through so much already. As we get closer and closer to the end, the nightmare becomes the reality, we now live it every minute of every day.
We do have a good life together, the three of us - please don't suggest that my desire for children precludes me from loving my husband and son, that is ridiculous. Nobody could love their family as much as I do, as anyone who ever wanted a family as much as I do. I know I am one lucky mother, it's just a tough life these days.