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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Groundhog day

It's been almost two years since that first miscarriage. Not a minute has gone by that I haven't been gripped with panic at my sheer desperation to be pregnant again. I have been obsessed and depressed, hidden from view, sick to my stomach with pain and anxiety and stress.

Of course I put on a brave face for my boys, try to limit the effect on them. But is this it for me? Subsistence living, putting one foot in front of the other, one tear on top of another, getting through the day, doing it all over again and again and again?

Is this as good as it gets?


At 6:56 AM, Anonymous Artblog said...

Doesn't it feel just like a Groundhog Day!

So true!

Thinking of you XXX

At 9:26 AM, Anonymous Treelo said...

I've just seen your post from Monday, Feebee I'm so so sorry. AGAIN. This is just too unfair that you have to go through this torture over and over. Mind yourself love.

At 1:12 PM, Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I never know what to say in these situations other than I'm so sorry. No one should need to know that pain.

At 3:28 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

In putting a brave face on for your boys, are you allowing yourself enough time to really feel all that sadness? It might be worth ensuring you have a real outlet to just be really really sad. And I bet your husband feels that way too, even if he doesnt' talk about it much (the men often don't).

I have no words of comfort, it's just an awful, sucky situation. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

At 9:55 PM, Anonymous tiredmam said...

Feebee, you have been through so much, I am so sad that you have had this pain for the past two years you do not deserve it.

Thinking of you


At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi F,
Just to say Im thinking of you from over here, very sorry to read your latest news, my thoughts are with you and I have been praying for you even though its not something I would ever really do,
Mind yourself now,

At 3:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am going to be honest and say that it does not get better as time goes by whether or not you keep trying. You need to find things to look forward to so you can get through the day. It is not easy. I feel for you.

At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi FeeBee,
I am new to your blog, but have been reading for a week or so now. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through.

In the past while, I have suffered 3 miscarriages in the space of six months. Two were missed miscarriages at 8 and 9 weeks, the other was an early one at just under five weeks, but sadly happened two days before Mothers' Day. I'm 38 years old, my husband is 41, and we have yet to take home a living breathing baby of our own. At this stage I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever happen for us.

You have probably heard this before, but I recently started attending counselling. The lady I go to has a history of miscarriage herself which is much more extensive than mine, so she really understands the sheer pain and grief involved. It has helped me greatly, but I still have a long way to go in the whole grieving process. It might not be for everyone, but I find it helpful.

Yesterday was the due date of our first baby, and it coincided with the return of AF after our last miscarriage. Needless to say the mood was terrible for both of us, but we tried to make it a special day. We have no grave to go to, so we went to mass in the church where we married and lit candles for our babies, the lost ones and the hopefully future one(s).

I wish you the best and hope that your wishes will come true soon.
All the best,

At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee I am just reading your blog and unfortunately can identify with so much of what you are saying. Unfortunately it doesnt get an easier. Personally, I think the only time your will start to heal is when the time is right for you to come off this infertility rollercoaster. Only you will know when this pain is no longer bearable. It is one of the worsts decision that you will ever have to make for you and your family and you have to be ready to let go. Going to a counsellor might help with this. Wishing you the very best. You sound like a beautiful person.

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