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Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Stop all the clocks

It's one of those days where time moves slowly inside my protective bubble and speeds up outside it to compensate. This uneven space time continuum lets me analyse the situation, contemplate the implications and prepare myself to re-enter reality, which is now as unfamiliar to me as Jupiter.

Unlike on TV, there is no once-off diagnosis of sterility; the doctor doesn't call you into his office and say "I've looked at the scan and I'm sorry, you can't have children", and then you are free to come to terms with the diagnosis and reshape your life accordingly.

If only it was that easy.

Instead, you face the drip, drip, drip of infertility. Month after month, year after year of hopes dashed, slowly fading, until one day you get to the point where an outsider would deem it time to close the book. The chances of a baby are so slim and the costs so high that nobody would consider it a sane bet.

But there is a flaw in the argument. That outsider never wanted a baby so much that he or she would saw off their own right arm to be able to have one. That outsider never had to make the choice to give up everything they had ever worked towards, all they had ever hoped and dreamed of. This is not a rehearsal, this is the rest of our lives, right here and right now. We don't have much time left and once it is gone, we will never get it back. It is not about a cost-benefit analysis. If there is a 1% chance, then it could be us. If we do get to the end unrewarded and I look back at the career, the home, the financial security I gave up in the pursuit of the babies I could never hold, then I will have no regrets. Because I will know that we will have done everything we could possibly have done. What more can you ask of yourself?

But we are not there yet, despite how it looks, no matter what others think.


At 1:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, It is not the end of the road for you yet, no way! Its seems like you will have to continue with the uphill struggle though so I guess the only thing for it is to make sure the journey is as comfortable for you and your family as possible and that you don't loose sight of the wonderful husband and son you already have.

At 12:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have no idea what it feels like to be where you are Feebee but I have been checking in and just wanted to comment that I think your no regrets policy is very important and I hope that you only need to keep drawing on those reserves for a while longer.
Sarah x

At 2:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, I am thinking of you. It is such a crap shoot with infertility. I am sorry your body isn't responding like you had hoped. You have to make the best decision for you and your family. It is so hard. I wish I could do more than send thoughts across the ocean.

At 10:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I know that if in your situation I too would need to know that i had done everything i could to achieve my dream and I wouldn't settle for second best. Whatever the future holds you have a wonderful hubby and DS and I wish you all the happiness in the world. You are a real inspiration.

I hope my response is taken in the spirit it's meant and not in anyway disrespectful to how you are feeling. You are all in my thoughts.

Dee MM

At 12:25 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Dee - your response is lovely, thank you!

And thanks to everyone else for still being here - can't be easy to keep coming back just to say sorry every month!

At 11:18 PM, Anonymous Discreid said...

This has to be one of your best put together posts. Such a wonderful expression of your feelings. I so admire how you write. As for never stopping trying... dh asked me the other day if we'd have gone to DE. I said I have no idea but probably. I remember once (years ago) saying I'd never do IVF. But never is real easy when you're talking hypothetical. When you're facing no babies, it's very different indeed.

At 4:07 PM, Blogger Rambling Man said...

i can only imagine what you are going through. you are in our prayers

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