Still blogging, just not tryingI don't think I remember bleeding this much, this early on before. I am wearing a maternity pad and I'm still afraid to stand up in case I have another accident. I suppose that's the downside of a good, strong, early implantation. And of course my stubborn refusal to give up on progesterone supplements, even when I knew deep down it was all over.
I also don't remember crying so much and so consistently. The grief is more overpowering than when our baby died at 12 weeks. But then we had only lost one baby, now we have lost almost everything.
And now there's something new, a terrible anxiety that I can't identify. I have been depressed since our first miscarriage two years ago. I have never seen anyone about it as I have always been confident that there was only one cure. My brief bouts of pregnancy back up that theory. And no matter how bad I have felt, I have usually been able to manage my emotions on a cyclical basis. But how do I manage this anxiety, the feeling that something horrific is about to happen?
I don't know how I'm going to cope now that my crutch of TTC has been taken away. Where will I find the usual portion of hope that comes with a new cycle? How on earth am I going to survive the regular servings of pregnancy and baby announcements? I suppose I am just going to have to get myself something that everybody else wants - a bestselling novel or a lotto win. Watch this space.