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Monday, July 30, 2007

Still blogging, just not trying

I don't think I remember bleeding this much, this early on before. I am wearing a maternity pad and I'm still afraid to stand up in case I have another accident. I suppose that's the downside of a good, strong, early implantation. And of course my stubborn refusal to give up on progesterone supplements, even when I knew deep down it was all over.

I also don't remember crying so much and so consistently. The grief is more overpowering than when our baby died at 12 weeks. But then we had only lost one baby, now we have lost almost everything.

And now there's something new, a terrible anxiety that I can't identify. I have been depressed since our first miscarriage two years ago. I have never seen anyone about it as I have always been confident that there was only one cure. My brief bouts of pregnancy back up that theory. And no matter how bad I have felt, I have usually been able to manage my emotions on a cyclical basis. But how do I manage this anxiety, the feeling that something horrific is about to happen?

I don't know how I'm going to cope now that my crutch of TTC has been taken away. Where will I find the usual portion of hope that comes with a new cycle? How on earth am I going to survive the regular servings of pregnancy and baby announcements? I suppose I am just going to have to get myself something that everybody else wants - a bestselling novel or a lotto win. Watch this space.

8 Comments:

At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

F,
so so sorry.
Try not to block the anxiety, just let it all come out as its completely appropriate to feel devastated at present.
We are all here for you.

xE

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

So sorry feebee. I didn't comment yesterday because I didn't understand what was finished. I had no idea that this was a definite miscarriage I'm really really sorry.

In terms of how you move on, I think it takes lots of time and lots of grieving and lots of support, you'll need to figure out what that means for you - drugs, counselling, more exercise, chinese medicine etc. NOthing will make it easier but somethings might make it easier to bear day to day. I think.

Thinking of you.

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

i have found your blog through Adrienne -- my thoughts are with you during this hard, hard time. take care

 
At 7:31 PM, Blogger megan said...

also here via Adrienne.
i'm so so sorry you're going through this.

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger Adrienne said...

You've lost two things, not just one this time. You're mourning your decision to stop, as well. The anxiety will take along time to fade - I wish it weren't so.

Take care of yourself, and let others take care of you, too. Hug your little boy every second to remind yourself of what you have - that's what I do when it all threatens to overwhelm me and I can't see any light.

I wish you peace, Feebs.

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger Derval said...

I have nothing wise to say...but I'm sorry it has come to an end, without being the ending you wanted.
take care, you'll be in my thoughts
xx

 
At 11:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont know what to say, except that its crappy. Take care! sending you a big cyber hug.

 
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