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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Life goes on

As usual, it's when the official period of mourning comes to an end that the real grieving begins. I am supposed to be over my baby's death by now but I will never get over the loss. I still think about each of them and what they would be like by now, what our lives would be like. I miss my 15 month old the most, he would be the life and soul of the party by now. And my darling little 5 month old, she would have made all the suffering ok if she had lived.

I still keep an eye on the birth clubs on the message board that I frequent. It is partly out of punishment but also out of curiosity to see what my children would be up to by now. Some of the mums are pregnant again. I can't understand anything any more.

I am coming up to my first ovulation since we have stopped trying. Is it any easier? Of course not. I always knew that it would be much, much harder to stop trying than it ever was to keep going. I have nothing to hope for, nothing to look forward to. I can't even look at other pregnant women and console myself with the thought that it will be me one day. Every day I struggle to keep these thoughts at bay but today I have given up. It's too hard. Everything is too hard. All I have left are memories of babies I never even got to hold, my dreams for their futures long since forgotten. I wish I could forget my dreams for my own future, they will take a lot longer to erase, probably a lifetime.

My hair is still falling out. I don't really see a way out of the stress. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.


At 6:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling so rotten. There is nothing I can say to make this any easier. I don't have to courage to stop and look at the drop as you are now doing. I hope that the break will allow you the chance to gather your personal resources and face the future whatever that is. Thinking of You,

At 7:02 PM, Blogger DD said...

I could never watch the boards. I see and hear enough with blogging about pregnancies.

I wish I knew of someway to avoid the stress altogether but the problem is stress comes from internal sources in reaction to external. Chosing not to react might mean becoming numb to everything including joy. Don't let the pain wash out that joy.

At 7:23 PM, Blogger Adrienne said...

Thinking of you, Feebee. And wishing I could do something to help ease the pain.

At 7:59 PM, Blogger Deborah said...

What Adrienne said... hang in there.

At 10:40 PM, Anonymous Engol said...

I'm sorry :-(

At 2:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. . .

At 9:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, I am so sorry that things have gotten to this stage. I dont know if you have ever heard of mindfullness training, but I personally find it really helps at times like this. I 2 have had hard stories so far :-(. It might be worth your while looking into it. It is helping me to get my sanity and life back. For now try to just be. There is no right or wrong. Whatever you feel like doing just do. My thoughts are with you.

At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Am so sorry Feebee. I second the mindfullness.. Did a class on this some years ago and have to say never looked back. I know it sounds weird but it kinda helped me deal with life. (Hugs)

At 7:58 PM, Blogger niobe said...

I know what you mean when you say that you will never get over the loss. There are some things that time doesn't heal. They get better, I suppose. But I don't think they ever really go away. Thinking of you.

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