Life goes onAs usual, it's when the official period of mourning comes to an end that the real grieving begins. I am supposed to be over my baby's death by now but I will never get over the loss. I still think about each of them and what they would be like by now, what our lives would be like. I miss my 15 month old the most, he would be the life and soul of the party by now. And my darling little 5 month old, she would have made all the suffering ok if she had lived.
I still keep an eye on the birth clubs on the message board that I frequent. It is partly out of punishment but also out of curiosity to see what my children would be up to by now. Some of the mums are pregnant again. I can't understand anything any more.
I am coming up to my first ovulation since we have stopped trying. Is it any easier? Of course not. I always knew that it would be much, much harder to stop trying than it ever was to keep going. I have nothing to hope for, nothing to look forward to. I can't even look at other pregnant women and console myself with the thought that it will be me one day. Every day I struggle to keep these thoughts at bay but today I have given up. It's too hard. Everything is too hard. All I have left are memories of babies I never even got to hold, my dreams for their futures long since forgotten. I wish I could forget my dreams for my own future, they will take a lot longer to erase, probably a lifetime.
My hair is still falling out. I don't really see a way out of the stress. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.