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Sunday, September 23, 2007

You can take the girl out of infertility.....

We had a wonderful holiday. I was amazed at how normal and content I felt when taken out of my usual surroundings. Of course I had moments of anxiety but they did not predominate. So life outside of infertility is possible. If you can just work out how to remove the remnants of it from everyday functionality.

One thing I was fairly sure of when I returned was that I didn't want to write this blog any more. Maybe another blog but not the one about that poor girl who couldn't have a baby and couldn't cope with the consequences of it. I just wanted to be normal and even if I couldn't really be normal, I wanted to pretend to be. I did it for a couple of weeks while we were away, I could certainly try it for a bit longer.

I was in the 2ww, hence the optimism. We hadn't really given up TTC, well we did for one month but that was all I could bear. So we did a cycle of Clomid with follicle tracking. Didn't I mention it? No, actually I wanted it to be a surprise. Wanted to wait until the second trimester to make my announcement. What a dreamer I am! I would have had to have had the most perfect pregnancy of all time and even then I would surely have cracked after a few weeks.

I am not having a perfect pregnancy. At 4w2d my HCG levels are still very low but at least they are rising. I don't want a beta so am just torturing myself with pee sticks.

So I am still the same poor girl who couldn't have a baby, who couldn't pretend to be normal for very long, who couldn't stay away from her blog. I don't want to be, I want to be the holiday girl. If I can just make it to 5 weeks, I might be in with a chance.

14 Comments:

At 4:17 PM, Anonymous KC said...

Feebee, positive thoughts winging their way to you. I really really hope this is it for you. It would be magic

 
At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Tiredmam said...

Feebee, thinking of you and sending positive, sticky, hcg rising thoughts your way.

x

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger Adrienne said...

It's hard to be the holiday girl when you've been through so much. The memories of that do not fade so easily.

I know this blog has certain painful connotations for you now, but I hope we can all be a source of support for you as you try, try, try again. You still have the hope, or you wouldn't be trying again. And it can happen. Believe that.

 
At 9:00 PM, Blogger Alice said...

Thinking of you. Rise Hcg, rise! Here's to excellent numbers!

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger Chili said...

Thinking of you.

 
At 7:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee,

Just stumbled across your page here on a sleepless night in NYC. I am in my first IVF 2ww, but it has been very hard because although I am turning 36 tomorrow, I conceived naturally and easily at 34, carried my beautiful son to 36 weeks, after which he died in an umbilical cord knot -- only 1 in a thousand said helpful OB. Furthermore, my dad (who lives in the South) was diagnosed last week with terminal cancer and given 'months to a year'. My son was named after him.

So -- I wanted to say that reading your blog made me realize that although our situations are not the same, I'm not alone in this seeming morass of extraordinary grief. I don't know if this IVF will work. I may be too stressed and also we could only do a 3 day transfer with an 8, 6, 5 and one 4 (that one I made them put in). If it doesn't work, I don't know how I can do it again, as I'll have to deal with my parents and they are nowhere near a clinic.

Good luck to you. Don't let anyone tell you that there's a reason for everything, or that your babies 'were not meant to be.' If only the things that were meant to be occurred, I doubt we would be living in such a world.

 
At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee,

just to say that you will always be in our thoughts- do what you feel you need to re continuing with your blog, but know that you are not alone and we will all keep you in our thoughts and prayers. I'm sure I'm not alone when I wish happy times for you and your family.

dee 1 (MM)

 
At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Artblog said...

nice to see you back and I hope you get to 5 weeks and beyond my dear. X

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger peep said...

I'm thinking of you Feebee and I hope things turn around for you.

 
At 4:27 PM, Blogger Girl Grissom said...

FeeBee, it's lovely to see your posts but my heart is both excited and petrified for you in equal measures.
Wishing you all that you truly deserve... and don't listen to anyone tell you otherwise.

Be strong
(and congratulations)
GGxx

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger ~Carrie said...

I was so happy to see this post - I really hope this is a successful one for you! You have been through so much.

Your blog was one of the first ones I came across months ago while looking up 2ww symptoms. I have read it in its entirety and was heartbroken at everything you have had to endure.

I so hope this time everything works out for you!!

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger Chloe said...

I hope that your HCG levels continue to rise. Stick little bean stick!

I hope and pray that it all works out for you this time.

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger nancy said...

Wow. I am hoping all my might for you. This post surprised me and I hope it turns out well. ~sticky vibes~

 
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