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Thursday, November 01, 2007

I know I asked for it but.....

I wasn't going to mention this but then I read Artblog's post about her situation and the fact that nobody talks about it and decided to confess.

In the grand scheme of things, I am the most grateful, overjoyed pregnant woman in the world. I can't believe that our baby is still alive, the tightness in my chest has subsided and my anger and bitterness has been sidelined. But it hasn't been all celebrations in our house in the last few weeks. Mostly, but not all.

Up until last week, I just had 24 hour nausea to deal with. It was horrible but I knew I probably wasn't going to vomit most of the time so I was able to do a few normal things during the day (I work from home). In the last few days, the safety net has been taken away and I am vomiting regularly. I thought this might relieve the nausea intermittently but it doesn't. I have tried the wristbands, ginger, crackers, eating small amounts regularly but nothing makes a difference. I constantly feel like I'm just about to throw up and sometimes even make my way to the loo voluntarily, just to get it over with. Everything makes me want to puke - every smell, taste, crap programme on the telly, that bloody alarm on my phone that signals yet another injection, my Pavlovian response is textbook. I remember Beth talking about the weepukes a while back. While I'm still a long way from what Beth went through, I have succumbed to the weekpukes.

People say that it will all be worth it in the end and there's the rub. Sure it will be worth it if I give birth to a live baby next May, I would live this day every day from now until then (but please no) if I got a baby in return. But it could all be for nothing once again. Statistics certainly seem to think so. And while I'll endure any amount of injections and procedures, will raise the money for as many cycles as it takes, I'm pretty sure I couldn't go through this over and over again for nothing. Maybe I've finally met my match.

28 Comments:

At 9:37 PM, Anonymous T said...

Right, well this pisses me right off. You struggled to conceive? You should catch a break and have an easy pregnancy. It's bad enough you/we feel scared and paranoid about everything anyway. I felt the same way - just grateful, yadda, ya, but you feel like crap, no two ways and that sucks, because you feel like you can't complain about it and the unfairness piles up.

Sorry for the rant - this just gets me that as infertiles we always have to feel priviledged to feel like shit. Bites.

I hope you feel better. Have you tried acupuncture?

 
At 11:41 PM, Blogger niobe said...

Have you tried asking your doctor to prescribe anti-nausea medication? I know that it was a life saver for several of my friends with extreme "morning" (i.e. 24/7) sickness. While it didn't always completely get rid of the nausea and puking, it did reduce it to a level where they were able to function.

Sorry if you've already discussed this and I somehow missed it.

 
At 1:55 AM, Anonymous Claire said...

Ugh...morning sickness is truly horrible, hopefully it will start to ease for you soon. :(

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger Feebee said...

T - you're right. I know the sickness is reassuring but this much is just torture. I've never had it this bad before and never really appreciated what some women go through.

Niobe - I think I'm going to call my doc today and ask for it.

 
At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah Feebee - sorry the pukey pukes have really hit, will second Niobe, try and get the anti-nausea meds. They can be got here...there's one or two MM's who got them....

Take care

Mia01101

 
At 8:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm just glad all is still well with baby

 
At 11:58 AM, Anonymous tiredmam said...

Feebee, you poor pet, noone deserves all day sickness, expecially not someone who has been through all that you have. Please god and in May you and your DH will meet your little one.

Love

Tiredmam

 
At 1:29 PM, Anonymous Artblog said...

T's comment was great, thanks T!

As you know, nothing worked for me, which is not to say the same medications won't work for you.

And thanks for coming out the closet too, I tell you, it was a very lonely experience and I wish after all we've been through between the two of us, we could indeed catch a break this time round, but alas, life doesn't always work that ideally, does it?

I feel your pain, I still don't feel perfect, but when the real pukies eventually go (mine stayed till almost 15 weeks, be warned!) it's such a relief and better than nothing!

HUGS from me

 
At 2:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's just the pits, isn't it?
It's so goddamn great to be pregnant, and just so hard to enjoy it. You don't need to be sick every day for 40 weeks to appreciate it.
Hope you find something that works.
Newlad

 
At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

F I puked every day - almost - for 37 weeks. It was just first thing every morning, so was manageable. What you have there sounds completely unmanageable, you poor thing. Hope the Dr prescribes something & don't feel you have to be a martyr. I remember that guilt, and its so unnecessary (but hard to ignore).
Ex

 
At 1:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, I feel your pain. I know exactly how you feel...all day sickness, no getting away from it..you just want to curl in a ball and die arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh it will ease off, but it is a fantastic sign especially now that you are just over ten weeks...I mean really good! My sickness always stopped around 8.5/9 weeks and then I knew something was up. I think this baby is giving you the lip already...the cheek!
Hang in there Sista
Denise

 
At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Amber said...

I sailed through my girl pregnancies and nearly died on my boy one.
The only thing which ever worked for me was granny smith apples, even the scent of green apples seemed to help.
That and a little fatty food, like a small bar of choccie first thing in the morning.
HAng in there, it might stop soon, mine did suddenly at 16 weeks. Like a gift.

 
At 12:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have my every sympathy.

I puked most of the way through my pregnancy on Daniel. I didn't puke for a 2 or 3 week period in the mid 30's but other than that I was sick sick sick.

On my 2 other pregnancies I was hardly nauseated so when I get pregnant again, if I am not sick I will worry.

Laura

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Amber - I read your message and thought, a granny smith apple - yes! So I sent DH out for one and it hit the spot!

Laura - what an awful predicament, to feel you need to be this sick to be reassured.

 
At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, sorry you feel so awful. I had horrendous nausea until week 17, including vomiting hourly from week 10 onwards. I truly hope yours eases soon.

Dee (MM)

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger Adie said...

Feebee, I remember about three years into ttcing, and a friend told me that when I finally got pg, she never once wanted to hear me complain about the pregnancy or the baby...and I'll never forget having to pretend that I didn't mind puking my guts up everytime I moved, because it was "what I wanted"! Actually, what I wanted was a baby, but because I'd spent four years ttcing that baby, I was meant to be bloody grateful that I was sick....
Anyway, I know I'm not being helpful, just saying I empathise with you on the whole thing, and the fact that if you knew that this sickness was a guarantee of a baby, you'd be able to rationalise it a lot better.
And statistics..feck statistics.... they only count for "normal 2.4 children" couples....
((HUGS)) and thoughts for you. Adie X

 
At 12:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Feebee,
Sorry to hear that you're still feeling rough. I'm afraid it's bad news on my front, another early loss. That means I have racked up 4 miscarriages in one year. I'm thinking of giving Napro a go next. We seem to have no problem with the conception part of the process, it's actually hanging on to a pregnancy that's the problem. I feel that time is ticking fast, I'm 38 and still no babies yet.

Anyway I really really hope you feel better soon, you have served more than your fair share of time at the toilet bowl at this stage ;o)
Take care,
Jane

 
At 1:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uuuughhh...morning sickness???
More like all day bloody sickness...mine lasted for 39 wks...only consolation...the baby was fine...even when I felt something wasn't right,was told it was all perfectly normal....small consolation when darling first son was stillborn at term....and worst thing was I was fuming that I had felt like crap for 39 wks for nothing...not at all true but just how it felt at the time..there is a glimmer of hope at the end of that tunnel though...it is worth it when all ends how it should.
You truly deserve this baby,you are in my thoughts..don't even think about bloody statistics!!

 
At 8:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I just suggest Granny Smith Apples, they were the only thing that helped me with my sickness at the start.
Other than that I am thrilled for you that things are going well.

G

 
At 2:34 PM, Anonymous Bekim said...

Feebee - am so sorry that you are that sick - it must be awful (I had pretty bad nausea but no vomiting - and its the worst feeling). I hope that it lifts soon - or at least eases (you probably need a little but manageable!). Would you try acupuncture - it really helped me with crippling migraines and nausea on DD x

 
At 4:10 PM, Blogger Red Mum said...

Sorry to hear its been so rough, and crossing everything for you.

 
At 5:04 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Jane - so sorry to hear that, hope you will be ok. Have you had any testing done? Are you on any support meds?

Anonymous - what a awful time you've had, I hope that happy ending refers to you.

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger peep said...

I am so sorry you are so sick. Complain away, no one in their right mind would blame you. I hope it ends suddenly like people claim and you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

 
At 11:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Feebee
So far the only tests we have done have been chromosomes (normal), LH & FSH (only tested one month, but results looked good) and progesterone (low in July, around 7 on day 20 of a 31 day cycle, tested again in Sept and it was 45 on day 21 of a 28 day cycle,), so nothing overly conclusive there.

Last month was the first time we tried since the last miscarriage in May. I went on baby aspirin and progesterone as soon as I got the BFP, but I really feel that the consultants approach seems to be to put you on those meds and it's pot luck if they work. I just don't feel that the investigations we went through were adequate. My name is down on the waiting list for the miscarriage clinic in my local maternity hospital, and we have an appointment with Napro clinic in Galway in two weeks time. I don't really know how it works, but we'll look into it anyway and see what it's all about.

I really hope you pull through all the sickness soon. It's hard after all you have been through already, you deserve a lucky break! How many weeks are you now? When is your next scan?
Take care,
Jane x

 
At 12:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feebee, has your tummy started to pop out? how exciting!

 
At 1:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never never mix dry food with wet food, its the only thing that will work, so if you need to eat, then do but don't take a drink with it. its the combination of wet and dry that makes the morning sickness worse.
BTW, i am over the moon for, took me 10yrs after DD was born to have a successful PG, but when i looked into that little babys eyes i knew it had been worth every tear .

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Jane - I have been to that doc in Galway. There's not really much more to it than progesterone and HCG but he will probably prescribe you Clomid to give you a better quality of ovulation. He may also suggest Naltrexone - I am on this but my obs is not in favour of it. Another tip is to start your progesterone the day after ovulation because if you have a deficiency, it will be too late by the time you test positive. Those are the three things I did differently this cycle - Clomid, progesterone since O and Naltrexone.

My tummy hasn't started to pop out at all yet - I don't look the slightest bit pregnant and have even lost a couple of pounds!

Anon - I didn't know that about wet and dry foods, will give it a go today. Congrats on your happy ending.

 
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