Hope and hapinessSixteen weeks tomorrow, I can hardly believe it. All is well and I am the happiest girl in the land. I did have a brief panic last week and decided not to post about it. A lot of close family and friends now read my blog and I didn't want to worry anyone.
All that happened was that I lay still one morning for about an hour and couldn't feel the baby moving. Went about my business and came home with some niggly doubts in my mind. Lay down again for another hour or so and nothing. Tried again later, nothing. Shed a few tears, went back to my (home) office, couldn't quite stop the tears and before I knew it I was back at the bottom of the pit of infertility, crying and wailing like a pro.
I chilled out a little the next day but didn't quite get my groove back until junior started bouncing again the following day.
So, once an infertile, always an infertile? Well that is certainly true but does it mean we can never enjoy pregnancy like normal people? I don't think so. It is terrifying at times but it is also the most fantastically wonderful feeling in the world and I can't stop smiling when I'm not crying. Pregnancy is so important, so special and so worth waiting for. I know it will upset some people to read this and that is the last thing I mean to do but I just wanted to reassure those that are still waiting that it does make all the badness go away.
And I am so proud of myself, for getting through everything, for keeping going when many thought I should stop, when even my doctors didn't know what to do with me. I knew it was the right thing to do, the only thing we could do and when I hear my DS talking so excitedly about the baby (it will be a girl and he will call her Josie or Annie) all the time, I can't imagine what a loss it would have been if we had given up.
I know I am talking like a woman who thinks she is going to have a baby. I know it's not that simple, I know there will be dangerous times ahead. But I have to be optimistic, to enjoy this time that we have waited so long for. And maybe there will even be a baby at the end of it.