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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Dream on

Last night I dreamt that A died. No reason, as usual; no heartbeat. The doctors thought it best to wait and see if I went into labour on my own. I thought I could still feel her moving but they said no, that was impossible. The paralysis came back in a second, all the familiar thoughts locked it in place. My little girl gone, reduced to nothing. The still-growing age gap. The dread at trying again. The senseless comments. Some thought it was "obviously" "for the best". Others couldn't see why I was coping so badly given that, at 22 weeks, it was "just another miscarriage".

A is fine. So why did I do this to myself? I am happy now. All the other stuff hasn't gone away, nor do I want to hide it away. How could I anyway? But I am very adamant that I don't want the past to ruin the future. The dream was so vivid, the feelings were so intense and so accurate. Why now?

I tell ya, this was one morning I was very glad to wake up.

The Internet says: For expectant mothers, dreams of miscarriages are common in the second trimester of pregnancy.

Now, if only I could find some stats for the live birth rate amongst expectant miscarriage dreamers!

14 Comments:

At 3:49 PM, Blogger Sinéad said...

Right in the middle of my pregnancy I had a couple of similar, horrible dreams. They were so realistic that I woke up so upset a couple of mornings. Apparently it's very common. Just our biggest fears burrowing into our dreams. It's awful.

Hope you're continuing to thrive. :)

 
At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Feebee :-( What an awful dream. I'm no psychoanalyst (luckily!) but my nightmares are always closely linked to my worst fears. Maybe your pschye is giving them a 'safe' outlet? Anyway, mind you & A and your boys. xx

Dee (MM)

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger Deborah said...

Oh Feebee - I've so been there, but of course with your tragic history it must seem just too real. In the states you could rent dopplers during your pregnancy. Might be something you could look into for your own piece of mind. Meant you could hear the heartbeat anytime, but with a legit medical one, not these tape recorder looking things they sell at Mothercare. Just a thought! Hang in there!

 
At 7:41 PM, Anonymous Denise said...

Feebee,

So sorry that you had to experience that awful dream. I remember having similar dreams when pregnant with my son. I had one mc prior to him and I was petrified the whole 9 mths. Although having said that my three sisters said they experienced the same dreams and fears and they never experience a loss. I guess all Mothers worry about their unborn child, but for us it is that much more terrifying. This little angel will make her way to you safe and sound Feebee...don't you worry about that...this is your time and it is REAL!
{{{hugs}}}}
Denise

 
At 11:59 PM, Blogger Deborah said...

peace even...

You are in my thoughts and prayers... all the time! ;- )

 
At 12:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

F, as Dee says its just your unconscious working out the worst unspoken fears and dread. Dreaming gives you a safe (if horrible) space to explore your feelings about this and also to mourn what could have been. Thats why it felt the same hun..
I think the rise in hormone levels around this time make them common enough in the 2nd trimester.
Take care of you and A.
Ex

 
At 12:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was about to say the exact of what Dee and E said, Hugs to you xxx

 
At 8:25 PM, Anonymous denzo said...

The other night I dreamt I lost my little one two, who's just a few days younger that your little girl. I woke in a cold sweat crying - the dream was so vivid, the blood, the pain, awful. Its not the first one either. I remember having these last time around too. My first pregnancy ended in mc, perhaps that's why. Just remember, you did wake up, it was just a dream, all is fine, she is well.

 
At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Treelo said...

As said above, its a common fear in all pregnant women, I'm just sorry you had to experience it so vividly, you've had enough of it in real life! Delighted A is doing so well (I keep trying to guess what A stands for!), she's nearly at a viable age, wow...

 
At 4:15 PM, Blogger Denise said...

Could A stand for Alison? or maybe Aoife????

 
At 9:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had those dreams too...and dont know any woman who did not have at least one of them.

Yet they meant no more than any of the dreams we have where we are chased by space aliens, marry johnny depp, win the lotto.

They are simply dreams.

Horrid scary ones.

But they are not prophecies. They are your brain getting your deepest fears out there...

 
At 3:10 PM, Blogger Feebee said...

Thanks all. I'm not putting too much scientific weight on the dream and thankfully there have been no more.

Deborah - thanks but I ruled out a doppler a long time ago. I knew that it would probably cause more stress than it cured. And A is moving constantly now so is able to reassure me on her own!

Denise - it's not a big secret but I think I will wait until the big day to make an announcement.

 
At 8:09 PM, Anonymous Denise said...

Don't blame ye waiting.

 
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